Sports Illustrated, June 7, 2004 v100 i23 p92
It's Greek to Me. (The Life of Reilly) Rick Reilly.
Full Text: COPYRIGHT 2004 Time, Inc.
Byline: Rick Reilly
Ever munched on a gyro? Sipped ouzo? Smashed a plate on the floor while dancing?
If so, you, too, might be able to compete in the Athens Olympics.
No, no, not for the U.S.
For Greece.
Thanks to a very stupid rule, all kinds of Americans will be donning the ol' blue and white of Greece in the Summer Games, and most of them have never set a sandal in the place.
Once upon a time, somebody at the IOC with moussaka for brains decided that the host country of an Olympics should field a team in every sport, even for a sport that the natives don't know from a Macy's purse sale.
If you brought a baseball mitt into most restaurants in Athens, they'd start trying to slice it up as overcooked leg of lamb. Until recently there were only two baseball diamonds in the entire nation, and both of those are on abandoned American military bases. Yet Greece has a team in the Olympics!
Of course, the Greeks don't particularly want to take the world's stage looking like nine drunk guys chasing a bee. Answer? Yank in some Yanks! The Greek government says that if you, your parents, your grandparents or even your great-grandparents were born in Greece, you can compete for the Greek Olympic team--even if all you know about the Odyssey is that it has 11 cup holders.
You may have watched only half of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The only Greek you ever heard of may be Jimmy The. The closest you may have come to Greece is working the fry vat at White Castle. The IOC doesn't give a fig!
Find an old baptismal certificate, get dual citizenship and you, too, can walk into the Olympic Stadium last during the Opening Ceremonies as a proud, fake Greek.
Opa!
Eighteen of the 24 players on the Greek Olympic baseball team are Americans, which is 18 more Americans than will play for America in the Olympics because America didn't even qualify. Maybe if the IOC didn't fritter away a wild-card spot in the eight-team tournament on the host nation, the U.S. would've gotten in.
True, some Homeland Security officials are nervous about Americans showing the red, white and blue in Athens and becoming instant terrorist targets, but disguising them in another country's uniform seems a bit drastic, don't you think?
Plus, you can't imagine the research--some of it paid for by Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos--that went into proving these American athletes have Greek blood. During one search, an athlete discovered a family secret: Her grandparents were not married when they started a family.
Oopsa!
Clay Bellinger, who won two World Series rings as a utilityman with the New York Yankees, is loaded with Greek connections. "Well, my wife went backpacking there once," he says. Bellinger will be in the Olympics because his mother's grandma was born in Greece ... or once ate feta cheese, one of the two.
Jared Theodorakos, a pitcher for Baylor, says glowingly, "It's a dream come true!" Wait a minute--the dude dreamed of playing for Greece? Whose poster was on his bedroom wall, Zorba's?
Chris Demetral, a former Triple A player who is an infielder on the Greek roster, says, "Actually, I'm still waiting for somebody to tell me they're kidding."
No kidding. Sixteen of the 18 women on the Greek softball team will be Americans, too. You talk about unorthodox.
It's not really Greece's fault. Nobody knows softball in that country. Linda Wells, the Greek Olympic coach who happens to also coach at Arizona State, has been to Greece eight times in the past year trying to teach the locals how to play. But the outfielders still stand and look up at fly balls sailing over their heads like it's the Fourth of July.
Stacey Farnworth, a former college player who will be on the Greek team along with her two cousins, says the Americans are trying to bridge the language gap. "We try to use as much Greek as we can on the field," she says. "Like, How are you? is Ti kaneis? and Hello is Yassas." O.K., what's Greek for, The ball just rolled by us and two runs scored while we were chatting?
More than a third of the players on the Greek women's soccer team are Americans. That must make the folks in Sparta swell with pride.
None of these teams has a meatball's chance of winning a gold medal, nor do they have a right to. This is just the IOC wanting to be richer than King Croesus. It wants the host nation to have a team in each sport purely for ticket sales. After all, how else are you going to get Nick and Nia to go see a game that is so boring it requires a seventh-inning stretch just to stay awake?
If all the IOC cares about are tickets, let's get Jennifer Aniston on the softball team. Her name is shortened from Anastassakis and her godfather was Telly Savalas. Who doesn't love ya, baby?
In the Greek tradition, I'd like to spit in the hair of everybody involved. And not to ward off evil spirits, either.
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