Dump-A-Man Form
Dear_____________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention
as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware the competition was exceedingly
tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed
to make the cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening
come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic
endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition:
(Check all that apply)
1.___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2.___ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can
picture myself yelling out if a fit of passion.
3.___ The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4.___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.
5.___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6.___ Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
7.___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then
you can't GET into my pants.
8.___ You're too short. Any son that we produce would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
9.___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying
to kiss you.
10.___ You have a hairy back.
11.___ I find you inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12.___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13.___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
14.___ You still live with your parents.
15.___ Although I do enjoy X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek
uniforms a little disconcerting.
16.___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend leads me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17.___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking
in a long term partner.
18.___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
19.___ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.
20.___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, ________________________
[This message has been edited by Hootie (edited May 11, 2001).]
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