Why Men Won't Lead
By Brad Winsted
by Faith Online -
Men often fail to lead in the home because of their own lack of personal purity. I Thessalonians 4:1-9 underlines the need for moral cleanliness. And we know from the Sermon on the Mount, that those who harbor impure hearts will not "see God" (Matthew 5:8). And it is, with those thoughts in mind, that we consider the "Christian marriage" of an absentee father, John, and an unfulfilled mother, Mary.
They are Christians who grew up in Christian homes, yet neither saw transparent living from their spiritually reserved parents. And neither was given clear biblical reasons about how they should avoid impure thoughts, fantasies, and sexually explicit media. Neither was encouraged to build accountable friendships, nor did they ever see the means of Christian grace lived out before them: confession, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
In college, John and Mary fell in love and became engaged. And shortly afterward, they became sexually active. They'd be married soon, they figured, "so what the heck." Mary wanted to please John, and John enjoyed Mary's favors. But after their sexual encounters their spiritual and emotional oneness was overtaken by lust for one another. Still, they looked forward to marriage.
But now, a few years down the road, the unexpected has happened. Mary feels exploited, and John feels guilty. They're not becoming "one in spirit" nor do they relate emotionally. Mary doesn't enjoy sex the way she did before marriage, and they've become distant from one another. She puts her energies into the home and the children. He excels in business. Yet, a deep longing for intimacy goes unfulfilled. Mary wishes that John would take a more active role with the family. And John is troubled by his sexual fantasies—they make it awkward to talk about intimate things with Mary. And he feels rejected by her because she doesn't respond to him sexually. Burdened by guilt, he's no longer willing to lead Mary or the children spiritually.
For the last 30 years every head of every home has grown up in an anything-goes culture that made pre-marital sex, pornography, and sexual exploitation the norm. As a result, unconfessed sins have wreaked havoc with our spiritual walk and emotional intimacy with our spouses.
I Thessalonians 4 tells us that, "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that each of you would learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother (or girlfriend and future wife) or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit."
As we read these words we know, intuitively, that most men continue to live with impure thoughts and unconfessed sins. Consequently, there's been no forgiveness or restoration. And married life is far less than God meant it to be. Of course, God through Jesus offers us a way to be restored if we confess our sins. He brings us to that point where we "ruthlessly" allow the Holy Spirit to bring to mind areas where we have failed our wives. But the pain of dredging up past sins is hard, so we remain estranged and unable to lead.
What should the church do?
Husbands need transparent models in order to see that they're not alone in their sexual temptations. Therefore, pastors must confess their own struggles with sexual impurity. It is embarrassing, so no one talks about it. But that's exactly why, with good judgment, we must talk about it—probably with other elders we trust. A broad public confession would be counterproductive, but we need to do more than confess to ourselves. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer points out in Life Together, that amounts to nothing more than self-absolution.
If men live with unconfessed sexual sin they will never be spiritual leaders in their homes. They will not give themselves sacrificially to their wives or children, and they will not be able to cleanse their family with God's Word because they have not been cleansed themselves.
Before men can lead at home, they must first be led to repentance.
Brad Winsted is the Director of Children's Ministry International. CMI produces Reformed educational material for churches, schools, and homes:
www.childministry.com