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My first marriage ended up being abusive. When we met, no problems at all, it was a fun, loving relationship. It was very intense from the beginning. We met our sophomore year of college. Our senior year, he started with insults, little digs here and there that were hurtful. I will admit, I did not have a lot of self esteem back then either. We got engaged right before we graduated and I became totally absorbed in planning my dream wedding. More and more hurtful things were being said. I brought it up in our Catholic premarital meetings with the priest. My fiance said he was just joking with his comments and I took things too seriously. The priest agreed with him! We got married.
As soon as we got married, he became completely controlling. I got reamed out if we had any long distance calls on the phone bill. He "allowed" me $50 a pay period for gas, lunch, spending money, etc. He tried to alienate my friends. The more he tried to control me, the more I fought back. The verbal abuse became more and more horrific. When verbal intimidation didn't work, he started slamming doors, throwing things around , but not at me. I still stood my ground. He invoked rage in me that I didn't know I was capable of as well. I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me, but he wouldn't. I went alone. A few weeks into it, he threw a jelly jar at me. I went to the counselor the next day and said I was done. The counselor helped me make a plan to move out. I was out within two weeks. Then again, I had a full time job, a college degree and very supportive friends.
I found an apartment, ordered furniture and saw an attorney within that two weeks. I made lists of everything I was going to take. We had only been married for 14 months, so I split things up by who gave us what for wedding gifts. He was working days on Saturdays so as soon as he left for work that Saturday, I started packing. My friends showed up to help. I gave them each a room, with a list of what to pack. We moved my stuff to my new apartment, left my car there, and they drove me back to the old apartment so I could tell him when he got home from work. On the counselor's advice, I told him outside the apartment complex, where my friends could see me. He wanted me to come up to the apartment and talk about it and I refused. He wanted my phone number, address, etc. and I wouldn't give it to him.
My lawyer was supposed to wait to file the papers until 10 days after I moved because I was moving to a new county AND it would give him a cooling off period before he had my address and phone number. The stupid attorney filed too early and my ex was served three days after I moved out. It should have been at least two weeks. I was TERRIFIED of how he would react. He had guns because he was a hunter. It was the absolute most scary thing I've ever experienced. I couldn't sleep at all. I would sit in my dark apartment at night and just watch out the window for his truck to show up in my apartment complex. Thankfully, his mom had gone to stay with him for a little while and I think that helped keep him calm through that initial phase. He actually told her that he hadn't treated me very well.
It is NOT easy to leave, it takes so much secrecy and planning and it's very very scary. I grew so strong from the whole experience though. It completely changed my life. If I didn't have a job and financial resources of my own, one of us would have killed each other. His violence was increasing slowly but surely and, as I said earlier, he invoked rage in me that I didn't know I was capable of (and that I haven't felt since!).
Thank goodness for women's shelters. I thank God I didn't have children with that man. I thank God we had little to no real property to deal with. I thank God that I have no idea where this guy is and once the divorce was final, I didn't have to have contact with him ever again.
I pray all the time that other women in those situations can get out safely.
Dee
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