[SummerChild]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
I have to be honest with y'all... It ain't easy being single. I was 34 when I got married and I am almost at my 1st year anniversary...

Y'all are trying to find "good men" that fit your terms. Well be honest: What are your terms, really?

I gave up 2 extremely good bruhs because they did not "fit" my little "fantasy" I had as a "husband"... One was an extremely good man--a medical doctor, smart, sweet to me, no pressure to be physically intimate... The other was a lawyer, but there were questions about his "preferences"...

Anyhoo. I wanted the tall, dark chocolately, rich and handsome... And I got those men, too. But they treated me like crap... And it hurt...

But where I HAD to paradigm shift was with my husband. He ain't tall, he's not chocolately--more like honey caramel, he ain't rich in monetary supplies, and really, his first picture he sent to me, was less to be desired...

But he was smart, and loverman gave me a massage package at this upscale downtown Dallas hotel spa when I first met him--like the isht was not cheap... He said he wanted me to be relaxed...

He was good to me. And that is important.

COMMUNICATION IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!

If you can communicate at ALL levels with your love--even telepathically--then half your relationship problems will never be a problem...

There are several men around that are "dateable" and "mateable". It is matter of what you are willing to have as the "dealbreaker"... What can you tolerate? Can you tolerate a man who wants the "corporate wife" that doesn't work and only cleans and makes his dinner? Can you tolerate bruthaman that loves to work? Can you deal with men's fragile egos... And OHH how men love to "grandstand"... What CAN YOU TOLERATE, REALLY?

Do you want to be fighting with your husband's toys all over the flow as well as your kid's toys? And YES, men have toys... My husband has an XBOX... Do you want the man to bring home the bacon all the time? When do you want to buy that house? Do you want Inlawitus? Can you deal with that? Forget the fact of all your side wonderin' when the pregnancy is gonna happen... What about fertility issues?

The grass always looks greener over the septic tank...

You single ladies, I feel fo yah... I was there myself before. But what worked for me was to paradigm shift and YES, settle if I wanted to be married...

I do not think I settled for less. Nobody can fulfill all your fantasies. That's why they are called "fairy tales". Only you can fulfill all your desires by being happy with who you are and wanting someone else to enjoy the "wonder" of you...

Men do fall for how a woman makes him feel... Meaning, they fall for her "smell", her "touch". How she makes herself presentable when he sees her... How she dresses, how she keeps her house, how she runs around the house and the place. It feeds his ego when he knows he has made a woman happy with the littlest of things--like taking out the trash... Putting the toilet seat down...

Men do love to feel needed... Don't ask me why? Many men are not secure with themselves. The asswipes that we've been with are the ones you see the most insecure. But the good ones have many insecurities that need nurturing too...

At the same time, don't doormat yourself... Don't be "there" for him at a drop of a "hat" and he ain't married to you--and even then...

And I can tell you marriage is give and take. More giving on your part than taking... But it is about "biting" your tongue. Mine is totally thrashed. I want to "lit" into my husband for doing some stoopid-assed isht, but I can't. Then I cannot fly off the handle when I am PMS,MS,post MS'ing... He calls me "wiggin' out"... So, when I put myself in check with him, half the time, I stop, 10 seconds, breathe, breathe again, and the wigginess subsides... It hurts his little feelings when I get on him. And that hurts our marriage... There is only so much we can take...

So ladies, that is why we old married ladies are telling you that you best know yourself and what you will tolerate before you get married... Cuz you MUST know how to handle your idiosyncracies before you can handle his...

Soror, you are so on point with this!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I have had to do a paradigm shift as well. I gave up at least a handful of good guys over my 20's with good jobs (engineers, etc.) b/c they were not cuties (they were just ok). Heck, one guy I gave up and he was fine, an engineer, kind, honest, and patient, and loved me to death but he was 5'3 or so and I couldn't get with it at that time. That was a loss. However, I know that G-D had to work with me b/c I am a much better woman now then I was then and now really am beginning to understand what is important in life.

Thanks again for your insight,
SC