[wishinhopin]

I suppose my good night's sleep has helped push me more towards hope and less towards despair. Sometimes I get all tripped out because I feel like...I guess it seems like everything is easier for other people to handle. Like I get caught up in thinking that everything I'm trying to do isn't that difficult, I'm just incompetent/lazy/unmotivated/etc. And then that means it's a personal problem relating to who I am, and that's not such a pleasant thought. But I have been going through a whoooooole lot of stressful stuff, so I'm trying to cut myself a little slack.

If anyone read my post a while back about the housemate from hell...well, more drama with him. He's basically threatening to send the police to my house and have me put in jail (although for what I don't know...I haven't the slightest idea what he thinks he's going to implicate me for, considering that-aside from the occasional deviations so common for college students in general and Santa Cruz residents in particular-I haven't done anything the police would be concerned with). But nonetheless I am easily shook up and hearing such a thing freaked me out, and plus that's just more on my plate that I need to deal with. I really need legal advice actually, but I absolutely can't afford a lawyer and so I need to figure out something about that. He's demanding a portion of the deposit money and I don't know what to do about that. But anyway, that's beside the point.

As for school stuff...I know that the only way to deal with the hole I've dug for myself is to meet with my profs and also an academic advisor. But this scares me a whole lot, mostly because I've had two of these teachers before, and I had to go talk to them about times in previous quarters when I screwed something up and/or needed them to help me get back on track. So one, I don't want them to remember me and be like, ok, this girl just doesn't do her work and then expects to be able to still pass. And two, one of the teachers I'm refering to (who has a reputation for being one of the nicest, coolest, best profs on campus) yelled at me when I tried to speak with him last year, and made me cry. So I'm a little bit intimidated about all of that. I hate being yelled at. I still don't know exactly how to approach them, or deal with the situation, but I'm trying to figure it out.

Now on to sorority stuff...a whole lot of the problem is that I feel very discouraged. I'm (hopefully) graduating in June, and I'm worried that we won't be able to accomplish all that I had hoped for my sorority by then. Not sure if that made sense. Basically, I feel like I've had to modify this dream I've had so many times. I wanted to be in Gamma Phi, we wanted to go NPC, we wanted to be a chapter of AZD, we want to be affiliated with Theta Nu Xi. And, for reasons that are neither good nor bad (just the way things go) those dreams have now proven to be either impossible or uncertain.

Even if things do go as I had hoped, I have to consider that June is not so far away, and I'll be away from all of this. I can't imagine anything sadder than walking away from UCSC and knowing that I wasn't able to lead this dream of mine into a reality on almost any accounts. I'll have to face that, though this was a huge part of my collegiate experience, it's just not going to be more than a miniscule part of my post graduation years. Does that make sense? It's altogether just sorta sad, knowing that I'm going to be leaving something that has mattered to me more than any other effort I've ever made. And if we aren't able to make the progress we're trying very hard to make, then I'll also have to face the reality that none of my dreams were realistic, and I guess I'm afraid it will feel like when I didn't make cheerleading tryouts in high school, but as though I tried out like 6 times in a row to no avail. Not sure if that metaphor made sense, but whatever.

Interestingly enough, I think that part of my trouble is that, up until recently, I was able to turn to the Greekchat community and outline every single problem and accomplishment that NBO had. But now I can't do that, and it's very frustrating. I guess I didn't realize how much I relied on this thread! But it makes sense...NBO and actually my entire identity as a sorority woman were born off the internet....all of you who commented and gave advice and support were at times the only thing that enabled us to keep going, or helped us to view a situation realistically. So to have that support system cut off...well it's just made us have to be like most other people in the world; now we have to do things on our own and that's not something I should be complaining about. But I do still miss checking this post and seeing page after page of exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't realize until right now how much motivation we derived from GC. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's the truth.

I'm trying to remember that I have very specific goals for myself that I am closer than ever before to reaching. I've gotten myself in this horrible destructive circle...ie I'm thinking, "I hate school and I hate UCSC and Santa Cruz, I just want to be out" but then I can't get out til I graduate, which now feels slightly less possible because I've screwed up classes so bad, so now I'm stuck here longer, and the only way to get out is to go to class and work my ass off, but I don't want to go because it already feels too late and I hate school and I hate UCSC and I hate Santa Cruz etc etc etc.....

And altogether I read this and just think I'm being lame, because honestly there are so many other things that other people have to deal with, and all of my issues right now are basically petty bullshit. But I'm having trouble putting it all in perspective I suppose. I've made my to-do list and it's pages upon pages long, I have to handle details from every portion of my life (particularly school and finances) and it's very very overwhelming. It's like, in a wierd way, I almost think it would help to write each item on a separate piece of paper, so I couldn't focus on all the things I don't feel like I can get done. I see that huge list and I just feel like I don't have the time/energy/mindset to get even a small portion of it done. So if anyone has any advice on how to deal with stuff like that, I would definitely appreciate it.

I don't know if anyone of this made sense, and I'm sure somewhere I've overstepped some boundaries and said things that I shouldn't have, but I have enough things to worry about right now and I can't stress about anything else. Comments appreciated as usual, even if it is just to tell me that things aren't as hard as I'm making them out to be, and I can actually do all of this. If anybody managed to read this entire schpiel, I truly appreciate it.