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R.L. Married 3 Months No More Wifey...by Jamie Foster Brown

About six weeks before this interview, R.L. came to my hotel suite in New York and talked about how excited he was about his recent marriage, less than 2 months earlier, to Ra'sheda, his longtime love. I got an interview done, and Sister 2 Sister even ran the wedding pictures he was so proud to offer. Then, less than a month after that, before we got a chance to run his interview, I got a phone call from R.L. saying he was getting his marriage annulled the next day. He wanted to explain it all to me, whom he calls "Mama," but I was so sad and upset I couldn't even talk to him. I couldn't handle what I thought he had to handle. I called him back later, when I got combobulated again, and this is what he said.

Jamie: R.L.?
R.L.: Hey, Mama.

Jamie: You were fabulous on Sister 2 Sister's "What Men Want" panel. Everybody is talking about that panel. Michael Baisden said he was a little worried about you because you were really getting into it. Tyler Perry wants to do it again. He liked the combination of all of you guys put together because you came from so many different perspectives.
R.L.: I think that'll be good.

Jamie: One of the women that was there said it taught her not to generalize about men. That was very important. Now when did you get married?
R.L.: May 24 [2003].

Jamie: May 24th and everything was fine?
R.L.: Everything wasn't fine, but…

Jamie: You told me that you had an experience with her before you got married.
R.L.: Yeah. The way that I really want to put it is basically I had to focus on my music. I couldn't give her all the attention she deserved and when she couldn't get it from me…. I felt like she could move on with her life because we are still young.

Jamie: This happened in the last three months?
R.L.: I loved her more than myself. I woke up one day and realized that if I didn't love me, there's no way she could be happy.

Jamie: What do you mean you loved her more than you loved yourself?
R.L.: That's why I married her because it was always about making her happy and not about making myself happy. What makes me happy is my music and she couldn't understand that. I can't give this up; this is what got me here. I think she wanted more of me and my music has the most of me.

Jamie: How much time were you spending with the music?
R.L.: Basically, when I'm at home I'm in my studio. And I'm on the road a lot. On the outside looking in, you say I want a man that's successful, but you don't think of all the time and preparation it takes. I'm on the road more than everybody else because I'm out here hustling. So I wasn't here for her and sometimes I feel like she needed me to be. But this was me when we met. I couldn't change that part of me. Not yet. When I get 30-something years old and I got enough money to where I can just live off of investments and stuff like that…. But now I got to think about not only me, but my son, my mother, my father, my little sister…. There's so many people that I'm responsible for.

Jamie: But didn't you all know that before you married?
R.L.: I mean, I thought she did. It was all about wanting me to change and I think that's why she went elsewhere. So for me, Jamie, I felt like I'd rather do it now and let her move on with her life than being selfish because I knew the way things were going. There was no way I could make her happy and be happy myself at the same time. So I had to make a choice.

Jamie: Now when you say you had to take care of your son, this is your son from another relationship, right?
R.L.: Yeah, my son is seven.

Jamie: Does he live with you?
R.L.: No, but I get him once a month, you know, for a couple of days out of the month and every other weekend.

Jamie: Were you the one who decided to get the marriage annulled, or was it both of you?
R.L.: It was a decision that we both came to. We sat down and talked like adults and went and did the adult thing. We still love each other, but in the end we knew that this is what was best because we would argue all the time about stuff that we couldn't change. I can't change me being on the road. I can't change me always having to be in the studio. Not right now.

Jamie: You're not touring now, are you?
R.L.: No, but I write for other people, so it's always something, whether I'm going out reading for a movie or just trying to better myself. I want to be the best person I can be for the woman that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

Jamie: So you can't even think about getting married until you're about 33 or something like that?
R.L.: No, I don't feel like that. I can marry somebody that accepts me for who I am and what I am. And what I am is an artist. Artists are more sensitive. In my relationship I was insecure and there's no reason a man should be insecure in his relationship.

Jamie: You were insecure because of yourself or because of your situation?
R.L.: Because past indiscretions were made and because of me always being gone. There was a lack of trust there.

Jamie: Now when you were on the road, did she have insecurities about whether you were being monogamous or not?
R.L.: I don't think so because I'm the one who called you to put [the wedding pictures] all in the magazine. If I'm out here trying to be a 'ho, I'm not letting nobody know I'm married. So I'm ready to be in a monogamous relationship; that's not a problem. But I think we lost out on the friendship.

Jamie: How old is she?
R.L.: She's 24.

Jamie: What kind of work does she do?
R.L.: She's in retail.

Jamie: When did you meet her?
R.L.: I met her years before we were actually together. We were together for almost six years. I feel like in the relationship, Jamie, I shouldn't have to worry about me at all. My main focus should be my woman. I should want to cater to her because her main focus should be to please me in every way possible. I feel like it got to a point where all I was worrying about was her. I would be happy to make her happy. That's what made me happy.

Jamie: What did you do to make her happy?
R.L.: Anything I could. She came home one day from work and there was a new truck in the garage. And it's not just a money thing that I'm talking about. That was just an example.

Jamie: Did she move in with you?
R.L.: Yeah, she did. Another thing you gotta understand is I'm 26. Like we were talking about on the panel—there's a difference because a lot of guys who were on that panel, when they were 26 they weren't established in the sense of having a house, investments and things like that. So me, every time I meet a woman, 9 times out of 10, if she's my age she's not established. She's not gonna have anything to bring to the table. Maybe a degree, which is good, or maybe the promise of having a career because she's in college or something like that. So that's another insecurity. Women always think like, okay, whenever I meet a guy all he wants is some coochie. Well, after you give it up, you gon' know. But if I spend some money on a woman, she's gon' be nice to me as long as I keep spending. So for me, I would never know if a woman was just with me just for my money. Not saying she was, but for any artist that is the thing. It's not an ego thing, but I refuse to think that I couldn't get a woman if I was working at McDonald's. I'mma get me a woman.

Jamie: So you can't know who loves you. How do you feel that this girl loved you? She had been with you for six years?
R.L.: She's the only girl that I ever loved. She liked me way before I made it. We dated before "Butta Love" came out. She came from a good family. She worked at Nordstrom. When I was younger I had the fantasy of "I want a girl that has to be an actress and I'm gonna be a singer." But I mean, things change.

Jamie: What do your friends and family think about the marriage ending so soon? Did they try to counsel you out of it?
R.L.: No. You know what? It was between me and God. But they told me they support whatever decision I make. I feel like me and her grew apart. I grew in certain ways and she didn't. In my heart, that's what I feel, but she's not a bad person. I just think that maybe she needed to be in a situation where she had to pay rent in a little studio apartment for a while, have to worry about certain things on her own. I'm not gon' lie, when I'm with a woman I want to take care of her.

Jamie: Was she home alone? Was she still working while you were married?
R.L.: She was here. She was working. Any woman I'mma be with, I'm sorry, she gotta work. She's gotta bring something to the table.

Jamie: Did you all have a pre-nup?
R.L.: Yeah, fo'sho. You know me. Come on now! I work too hard. And I don't think she was using me at all. That's not what I'm saying. But at the same time I feel like she got comfortable. This is my number one rule to a woman now: Expect the best, but always appreciate it and never take it for granted.

Jamie: Now you were saying that it's okay for a woman to have sex on the first date, right?
R.L.: Fo'sho. I feel like this: I've been with women and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is, "I don't usually do this." As soon as they say that, I know they're lying.

Jamie: All the time, R.L.?
R.L.: Let me tell you something, Jamie If you know you ain't no 'ho and you know this is an exceptional situation for you, you ain't even gotta tell me because, if I'm any type of man, I wouldn't want to do it anyway. If I thought you was doing it to everybody like that, I wouldn't want you because it would be dangerous, number one. And number two, every man got some kinda ego. I sing, I sell records, I'm in videos, but I want to feel like any woman I'm with is with me because she thinks I'm handsome, sexy, something like that.
That's another thing about my relationship. Women don't compliment their men enough. I'm on the road and women everywhere are telling me how handsome I am—and I've been working out lately trying to get my body right. I eat right. I don't eat after a certain time. I get up at 5:30 every morning and hit the gym...and my woman never told me she loved my body. When I went to Allen Iverson's thing, I was at the club with a tank top on at the white linen party and one girl noticed my braces and I kinda smiled. I'm not used to compliments.

Jamie: What did she say about your braces?
R.L.: She said, "Oh, look at R.L., he got braces." And the other girl said, "F@#k his braces, look at that ni##a's body!" Man, I almost cried 'cause nobody ever complimented me. Like I said, I fell into low self-esteem since I was little. When you're on stage and the crowd is screaming at you, I feel like they're screaming at my music because that's my love. It ain't no ego with me at all.
Everybody that's around me knows how I am. And everybody needs reassurance. I didn't get that at home. I didn't get compliments. I dress every day. I take care of myself. I keep my hair groomed.

Somebody once told me that if you put a flower in a window, whichever way the sun is shining, the flower is gonna lean that way. And my sun wasn't shining at home. I had one of the most beautifullest women on the planet. I would tell her that every day. I would tell her, "Come to the gym with me." And she'd say, "Why? I don't look good enough?" I'd say, "No, that ain't why. I want you to come to the gym because I want us to grow old and take care of one another. We gotta live healthy. Eat right with me." I don't eat red meat or pork, I don't drink soda. I'm trying to get it so we can live longer. But I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy with myself and if I'm not happy with myself, I couldn't make her happy like she deserved.

Jamie: One of my friends said that that's all her husband ever talks about, cooking and the sex.
R.L.: Nah, that's not right. He gotta tell a woman how intelligent she is, how special she makes you feel, how good she smells, how you like her hair. See, I'm into hands and feet. Gotta have your hands and feet done when you're with me 'cause I'mma have some toes in my mouth and they gotta look right. Preferably French manicured, nude colors on your toes and hands. I like that. I grew up in a hair salon so I'm looking at hands and feet. The house was stankin'. My mom had all that fingernail polish remover going on in the house. My mom was in the house doing my sister's hair, then coming in there doing the nail polish, while she was smokin' a joint. My mom is old school gangsta! [Laughing]

Jamie: But why did you have low self-esteem? Are you the only child?
R.L.: No, I'm a middle child. I got an older brother and a younger sister. My older brother has a different father, but since he was 13 months, my dad is the dad he's known. So everybody overcompensated for him because his biological father wasn't there. So whether it was my grandmother, uncle, even my father, everybody did more for him. Then my little sister, she's the baby. Me, I had a full scholarship to college, graduated early from high school, everything. I didn't get nothing. But I think that's why I am the way I am today. My dad came to my house and cried. He said, "You know what? I know I was hard on you and I regret some of the things, but this is what I wanted for you." I used to get put on punishment for going to sing. He didn't want me to sing. He's an engineer. Academics was easy for me. He wanted me to go to school, but I had a dream. Nobody in my family really supported my dream.

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