[CrimsonTide4]

The other day, I was reading the paper, and I flipped past the funny pages and ended up on the horoscope. I read the message, and it was so vague, that anything I did that day could fall under what they told me in my daily horoscope. I wondered to myself," Man who thinks of these things," so I went and did some research. Come to find out people look at the stars and stuff like that to determine your mood and temperament for each day. Yeah right. Somebody is probably in the back of the Washington Post's Main Office, smoking a Jay and sipping some Remy, steady writing these messages in the name of astrology and has the whole Nation believing it. I thought to myself, "Hell, I can do that." But rather than give you all some random guess of how your day, week, or month will turn out, I'm going to Break down each of the signs of the Zodiac, UF style. I didn't look these up or anything, I'm just going off of people that I know, and you'll see that I'm no Miss Cleo or anything, but I hit the nail on the head with these:

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Capricorn's are natural leaders. Competitive and hard working, they are often successful because of their confidence and strong will. My Main man Jesus was a Capricorn, so that should show you how they roll. Capricorn's are cool peoples, but that confidence and leadership stuff really sucks when they take it too far and turn into control freaks and snobby nitpickers. Capricorn's talk too damn much, too.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 17) Aquarius are weird. They are often disguised as quiet thugs, or timid fly girls. But in actuality, they love to do stuff like read books, argue, dance in front of the mirror naked and occasionally stalk someone. Watch out for these folks, man.

Pisces (Feb 18-Mar 19) Nurturing and compassionate, people who fall under this sign tend to be boring as hell. These are the people who call you on the phone and sit there and don't say anything. They are great at keeping secrets, and picking winning lotto numbers; that's the only reason to keep them around.

Aries (Mar 20-April 19) You know those free-spirited people? The ones who used to be hippies in the 60's and don't like to wear underwear to work? They fall under the Aries sign. Most Aries are mistaken as freaks, but they just are spontaneous by nature, and can't be tied down or kept on a leash. Most Aries men are professional college students who are like 30 and still live in the all boys dorm. The typical Aries woman is a waitress at Applebee's or IHOP, a groupie, or a Hairdresser. Yo Mamma is an Aries, isn't she?

Taurus (April 20-May 19) People who fall under this sign are very determined. As well as stubborn. They have a vicious mean streak, and will scare the sh*t out of you at any given time. You want a "ride or die" partner for life? Taurus are loyal to the very end. They end up either successful, or locked up. With no parole.

Gemini (May 20-June 20) this is the sign of the twin. Gemini's are very inquisitive and just happy for no reason. These are the folks that are chipper for no reason while the rest of the world looks at them like they are crazy. Ned Flanders from the Simpsons is a Gemini. They are also two-faced, meaning they have two sides to their personalities. Church girls, secretaries, and strippers are Gemini's. Most are bisexuals. Sike.

Cancer (June 21-July 21) Cancers are big balls of emotions. They live off of the love or hate that they receive from others. A Cancer will kill you with a plastic fork. Male Cancers are Police Officers who beat their wives, then stab themselves for hitting a woman. Insecurity runs deep in these folks.

Leo (July 22-Aug 22) Leos are Narcissist. They are the wannabes; in their eyes, they are perfect. You can't tell a Leo that they are "not the bomb" 'cause they'll look at you and laugh. The thing is, they believe and act on this so much, that others start to think it too. Most...no, damn near ALL Leos have terrible road rage. Oh, and they like to yell.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 21) I'm a Virgo, but I'm not gonna make it seem like we are perfect. We are caring, and cooperative, but at the same time we are stubborn and cold hearted. We can look you in the face and lie to you without blinking or smiling. We can also give you our last dime. We need to be needed, and it shows. Beyonce is a Virgo, with her sexy ass.

Libra (Sept 22-Oct 22) Libra's are beautiful, but lethal. They have the personality that you love, but they are treacherous if you get on their bad side. Libra's are good cheerleaders and models. But beware, Libra's are too emotional, and will slash your tires and shoot at you in public places.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) Very sexy, freaky and exuding confidence, Scorpios are HOT! Too bad they are sometimes dumb as a brick, and so complex that they don't even understand themselves. They are possessive and jealous, stemming from their natural conceit. But yeah, at some point, somehow, they will turn your ass out. You will NEVER forget a Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Sagittarius are very charismatic. A good worker, and centered around family, Sagittarius only downfall is their weakness to bend. While very enthusiastic, they are subject to succumb to bad influences. "Damn homie..in high school you was the MAN, homie!" This is often said to Sagittarius after they have fallen on their ass. Most turn out to be weed heads, or gangs leaders.