[justamom]

Mary Jane was walking down the street when a man pulled her into a dark alley and started ripping off all her clothes. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

Mary Jane was in the theater when a man sat down and stuck his hand down her blouse. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed. She knew she kept her money in her shoe.

Dirty Ernie's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Dirty Ernie says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life savers. First she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "cherry!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, "peppermint?" "excellent," said the teacher.
Finally she gave them honey- flavored brown ones. They tasted the life saver, but could not name the flavor. "I'll give you a clue. It's something that your mommy calls your daddy" said the teacher.
Suddenly , Dirty Ernie shouted, "Quick ,spit them out ! They're ass holes!"

My FIRST and all time fav Dirty Ernie joke.
One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'.
Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things.
She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple".
"Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.
"Butterfly."
"Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Ernie would say.
"Caterpillar."
"Great job, Billy!"
She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ."
Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS Teacher RATS!!!! BIG F*#KING RATS WITH D!*KS THIS F#*KING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Just for good measure-
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"