[AlphaGamGirlAY]

I love my Big. She really has filled a void in my life....I'm the eldest child and I've always wanted a Big Sis. She's been there for me in some real tough times and we do hang out every now and then...Like we have a lab class together and we plan on eating lunch before that class each week and stuff. She's the most open sister I have (IMO)...I can open up to her and she opens up to me.

But what's weird is as much as she understands me, she just doesn't and I don't know if it's me or her. I'm an affectionate person and I've been told that I have a big heart and that I "wear it on my sleeve". I have bought my Big gifts for no reason...the most recent one she did get sorta mad at me about, and now she's alright with the idea, but I'll have to wait and see how she reacts to it. And it's not that I'm trying to "buy friendship or love"...that's just the way I am. I've bought gifts for my Grand-Big and for other sisters for no reason and they've never gotten after me...and it's not that I expect gifts back b/c I don't. I'd rather give a gift than get one. But my Big doesn't seem to understand that about me...she's like "you shouldn't have" and it's more of a literal tone rather than the way it's usually said.
And like, with my Grand-Big, I may just give her a random hug or lay my head on her shoulder and she's never said anything (if she cares that I do that)...but my Big, she's told me sometimes "don't lean on me" and like things. But what's weird about that is when something is totally wrong and I'm bawling my eyes out, she's one of the first to hold me in a tight embrace while I'm in tears. I remember one night after my parents left my dorm, I was so upset from that weekend and I called my Big, went over to the house and she just held onto me as I sobbed my heart out. But it's like when there's nothing wrong, she doesn't want me around at times, but she will never say that directly...I just get the feeling from how she acts.