I don't know what to do anymore and I have no idea what's wrong with me. I've never really been a happy-go-lucky person to begin with, so it's not like I've had a sudden shift in mood. It's more like this constant nagging in my head that I can't get rid of. No matter what I try to do, I can't get rid of the feeling that I'm not good enough for or at anything. I'm constantly waiting for the friends I do have to realize I'm not as cool as they seem to think I am and find someone better to hang out with. I end up picking fights with my friends about other friends or about people they try to date because I'm convinced they're going to abandon me. Like last night, my good friend went out with this guy and I was crying for hours because she had a good time and will probably go out with him again. I want to believe there's a possibility they'll only go out a few times and nothing will come of it (part of the problem I had with their date was that I was scared to death he was going to do something to her - this guy is 23 and practically raped an 18 year old who was passed out and lying in her own vomit, among other shady things - he gets drunk and tries to take advantage of girls which I think is really scary, so I'd like to think some of the reason I was upset was about that). However, there's a big part of my brain that throws in the, "They went out once! They'll go out again! They'll fall madly in love and you'll be by yourself!" Then I get upset because I'm upset and think about how I'm a horrible friend and my friend will never want to talk to me again. I don't think dating's an option for me, since I don't see what a guy would ever see in me to begin with. In my mind, I'm beastlike, fat (even though I'm probably only 20 pounds overweight, if that), boring as hell and psycho. I sleep all the time. I can't concentrate at work. All I want to do is drink myself into a stupor and not feel anything half the time, but then I end up more depressed. Any little thing can throw me into a major depression, especially if I feel left out of anything, but then I end up apologizing to whoever it was and telling them that I don't know why they hang out with me anyway. I feel worse if I know I'm burdening my friends with my own issues, but at the same time, there's this feeling in my head at all times that I'm going to be alone for as long as I live. I don't know why I'm even sharing this on here since I feel like a complete nutjob, but I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just go home and lock myself in my room. I feel really really dumb throwing this all out on here since I feel like I'm just asking for an ego stroke or something, but really I'm to the point where I can't take this anymore and I'm really scared and I need to do something before it gets worse.
I really don't know what I'm asking for on here, but if you have any ideas, please clue me in..