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Just got this from a sister...Everything is very very true and very very funny!!!
LOUISIANA HURRICANE SEASON NOTES
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two
basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to
do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big
one.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as
long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So
you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value
of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used
dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27
different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob
and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in
addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to
my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane --all the
toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so.(He lives in Nebraska.)
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property": As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,
patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a
precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't
have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-
lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana,"
you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.
Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles
from your home, along with three hundred thousand other evacuees. So,
as a bonus, you will not be lonely.(Remember three days food supply
in your car. Now you know why!)
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you
wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and
get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of
SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. Of course
these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell
you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay
away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Sportsman's Paradise!
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