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As frustrating as it can be to deal with some folks, bad etiquette isn't made better by more bad etiquette. One thing that may help is to have some "PR folks" on his family help spread the word that only invited guests need to come and that an RSVP is required - a guest list at the door isn't a bad idea, but the "enforcement" of it can lead to so much drama that you won't want that day. Also, I wasn't sure if the appetizers and cake plan was in addition to a meal or if that was the full plan - if that is the plan, unintended guests should be anticipated and factored in the head count - you may even have to follow with those that do RSVP with a phone call thanking them for RSVP'ing and reminding them of the expectations.
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