[Pinecone]

I would also add that the mysticism around greek organizations is (imo) a little misleading and can lead to this weird post-pledge feeling. All of the talk of destiny and home and finding where you belong in rush can get expectations really high when in fact it is just a group of people who got together in a somewhat strange way.

I didn't feel completely a part of my group until around initiation, and then really felt committed going through rush the next year and getting my own little sister. On the other hand, I had a feeling the whole time that I was in the right place and whenever I met someone new in the group I connected with them really well (or at least 90% of the time). So it honestly could be that this is not the place for you. You will know if you have that "click" or not. I would wait and see if it develops and if not then don't initiate. If it isn't there in a couple of months it won't come. Just know that you aren't leaving something that was "meant to be" just because people talk about greek stuff that way. It's just a group.

Also, most people don't get involved as alums. You can, it's probably fun to do so, and some people get a lot out of it but you aren't picking something to commit to for a lifetime. Later in life it won't matter which sorority you were in very much. Just know it's not a big deal one way or another and that might help your anxiety?

good luck! Follow your instincts and you will find your way.