[facethemusic]

That night, when we'd submitted our preferences, our rush was officially over. It was as if every PNM on campus was collectively breathing a huge sigh of relief.....we were done. We'd made it. Now all we had to do was wait.

I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. I regretted what I'd put down on that card, and I'd psyched myself into thinking I was going to be dropped that night because of it. Time was dragging by impossibly slowly and I knew I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep that night...

Kat had preffed her houses like this:
1. Piano
2. Violin,
admitting she'd be disappointed if she ended up at Violin but would eventually be okay. I was happy for her, but it meant I couldn't explain to her why I was so nervous - it would've just made her feel worse about Violin, which I didn't want to do since there was a real possibility she'd end up there.

My Pi Chi group went out to dinner to celebrate the end of rush, and I seized the opportunity to talk to Amy, who I trusted. Her pref card had looked like this:
1. Flute
2. Piano
3. Trumpet,
and while she badly wanted Flute, she said she knew she'd be happy at any of the groups. I took a deep breath and admitted to her that....














































































I had suicided Piano.

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW, suiciding is NEVER a good idea. I assure you that I'm a firm believer of that. Looking back, it was am extremely stupid decision that I'd made with my heart and not my head. Between the rusher who didn't have a clue who I was, the "stolen" poem, and the wild (and wrong) guess that I was "outgoing," my negative impression of Violin after Pref had been so strong that I managed to convince myself I'd rather not be in a sorority at all than and up here. NOT TRUE. I would've been a little disappointed if I'd seen these letters on my bid, but I would've eventually come to love it, I'm sure. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And it made that night one of the roughest nights of my life.

When I told Amy what I'd done, I broke down crying, suddenly deeply regretful of my decision and terrified that when morning came I would be bid-less. She thought I was a little crazy but reassured me it would be okay and prayed with me. My mom shared her sentiment when I called her after getting home from dinner. She was thrilled I'd fallen in love with Piano and convinced that that was where I was supposed to be, but wearied by my rash decision to suicide. But it was too late now, she said. She assured me that she'd be sending prayers my way for what was probably going to be a long night.

And it was. I turned off my light around midnight and tried to go to sleep, but all I could do was stare at my phone, convinced that it was going to ring any second. My Pi Chi had told us that we'd get a call from her either that night or the following morning if she had bad news to deliver. If we hadn't heard from her by 8:00, we were to head to the bid distribution location.

I gave up trying to sleep and quietly entertained myself all night. Kat slept soundly - good little PNM that she was, maximizing her preferences. I watched YouTube with my laptop and headphones, read a book, and every so often cracked open my Bible, telling God I was sorry for judging Violin so harshly and begging for a chance to don Piano's letters come morning time.

Once 6:00 am rolled around I really started getting scared. I could no longer focus on funny cat videos or my book. All I could do was alternate between staring at my phone, waiting for it to ring, and the clock, ticking by impossibly slowly. Tick tock, tick tock....

Then at precisely 8:00, a sudden noise made me jump a bazillion feet in the air....