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everyone says they would leave if it was them
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And for a lot of those people, it is true.
There's no one model that fits all abusive relationships. I've seen this up close and personal with someone I love. She wasn't slowly boiled to death. Yes, it got worse over time, but he was an asshole from the word go. Everyone saw it and brought it up when she first met him, but she wouldn't listen to reason. She liked her fantasy of who he was and what they would be together.
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I sometimes have a hard time finding a victim, sometimes it's really easy to find the victim.
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This is also my experience from my law practice. Sometimes there's just an abusive mess.