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I opened the bid card, and saw the words that simultaneously thrilled and deflated me:
Taylor.
Some girls screamed, jumped up and down, and took off as fast as they could. Some gasped, standing in stunned silence with looks of terror. Me? I smiled. I was going to be OK.
I stood for a moment, processing the news, turned toward the row and began to walk. Quickly. I knew I would have to run past the lawn at Ryan before I got to Taylor, and I could see all of the decorations and screaming girls arriving at Ryan. I was not one of them.
But then I looked over at Taylor, a few houses down. Their decorations, their colors, their screaming girls. I gave a brief look to Ryan, smiled, and took off running full speed.
There were girls cheering, hugging, handing me a tote bag full of goodies, jumping up and down, just elated. I think the best way to brush off any sting of rejection is to show up at a loving sorority house on bid day as a new member. How can you feel unappreciated or unloved when a hundred women are excitedly opening their arms to you? Inside, there were moments when I got that clenched feeling in my throat, like I might begin crying, all welling up from my feelings of rejection over Ryan. I loved Taylor, and had a fantastic time, but there was a little something I couldn’t shake about feeling let down over Ryan. I kept it to myself and let myself be distracted and consumed by the love of the new sisters I’d found.
I loved my new house. But the first day of classes was surprisingly tough despite my adoration for Taylor. Each PNM wore her new chapter on a tote bag, or hat, or shirt, or all three (we’d not yet been warned of the perils of double- and triple-lettering. *shudder*). If I passed a girl in a Ryan shirt, it was hard not to wonder “why not me?”
My whole first year at Taylor was truly wonderful. The sisterhood was amazing, I found a big sister that remains my best friend to this day, and created bonds that have lasted through moves across the country and major life changes. I embraced my letters and made Taylor my home.
It was that next year, my first year recruiting on “the other side”, when I finally released that last little bit of sadness over Ryan. I know, I know, when we find our home we’re supposed to be so elated that we lose all thoughts of any other badge, but I couldn’t help it. That last little bit of wonder had lingered with me.
We finished recruitment, and on bid day, it was my turn to stand on the lawn at Taylor, holding a tote bag and a balloon, waiting for a new member to run over to me. Maybe she’d show up and scream and cry with joy. Or maybe she’d be like me: peaceful, joyful, yet reconciling sincere joy with a bit of longing for another house she’d hoped for. If she was, I knew I could help her. I’d been there. And hopefully I could help her see all the things I’d come to see in Taylor over the last year.
We could hear the din of the PNMs beginning their run toward the houses. I took a look over at Ryan, the girls on that lawn, their bags and balloons and decorations. And for the last time, I let myself think the question “why not me?”
But then there she was. A girl, a PNM - now an NM - with the biggest smile across her face, headed right for me at full speed. “I’m a TAYLOR!” she cried joyfully. I hugged her. And then I realized, the question had changed. Why me? What was it about me and my sisters that made this young woman so ecstatic, so elated?
The best part was, I knew the answer to that question. I knew all the answers to that question. I knew why Taylor was a home worth screaming and jumping around and crying with joy about.
I walked with my “bid day buddy” up to the house. Quickly, discreetly, I took one last, final look at Ryan. And I smiled. I turned to look at the letters on the front of Taylor, and I smiled more. I was home.
(Post-script...)
I’d go on to become President of Taylor. My best friends from college are all Taylors. And in many ways, I think because Taylor had to fully earn my heart, and had to win it away from a “first love,” I appreciated it all the more. My advice to any women who are hurting during recruitment, or who are happy but uncertain, is to stick with it. Let a sisterhood earn your love, and give them all you have to earn their love back in return.
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