[James]

There have been several threads on the deficiencies of EX's. ITs funny to see that most people seem to have no trouble finding fault with others and saying what they think the others should do differently . . but don't seem to have learned much that apply to their behaviors . . or are expressing it.

Here are some for me:

I have learned that when a girl is telling me about her problems, she is usually venting and doesn't want a strategy on solving it. I should be supportive and emotional about it.

I have learned that love in a relationship is a verb even more than a feeling. So I need to learn how the girl needs love expressed to her. I may not think holidays and special events are important to me, but if they are to her, its important I recognize that and react accordingly. Otherwise I am not showing her love in a way she can relate to . . . talk, all alone, is cheap.

I have learned that verbally expressing how I feel is vitally important. People are not mind readers. Plus I need to say it in a way that she understands.

I have learned that while stuttering incoherence when expressing feelings can be endearing . . . eloquence is beautiful and appreciated.

I have learned that in an argument winning is sometimes losing, even if I am a better arguer or have a superior position.

I have learned to NEVER threaten the relationship because I am unhappy (only morons do it). Never use breaking up as a negotiation tool. Even if the person bends to your will they will secretly resent you. Also, a broken chain isn't as strong when fixed . . . and passion dampened by defensiveness and pain never springs to life with its former intensity.

I have learned that my girlfriend is not responsible for my bad moods, things I am touchy about, hang-ups, my lack of sleep or stress, and she should not be victimized by these things. They are my problem. And every time I inflict that shit on her I weaken the relationship. So i.e. its ok to come home and say i have had a bad day, apologize and tell her why (even emotionally) but its not ok to be short and/or nasty with her because of it.

I have learned to "Fake it till I make it" which means even if I don't feel like doing the right thing sometimes . . I do it anyway.

I have learned that generally people forget respect and manners the closer and more intimate they become . . . this is a MISTAKE. The closer and more intimate we become the more important manners and respect become.

I have learned that belching and farting (especially at meals) NEVER become funny just because she loves you.

I have learned that the busier I am the MORE time I should take to schedule time with the girl I adore. But I shouldn't tell her I am scheduling her . . . lol

I have learned that frequent small gifts make more of an impact than infrequent large ones.

I have learned to say I am sorry.

I have learned the importance of reassurance . . . i.e. Sometimes its important to start by telling your partner how much you care and cherish them, even if you are going to be critical.

I have learned to show up on time, smile, and laugh a lot.

I have learned that principles are important, but that stubborn pride kills relationships.

I have learned that win/win is everything in a relationship . . . if you are sacrificing a lot, you are not compromising you are victimizing yourself.

I have learned to have NO sympathy for people that stay in negative relationships longer than 6 months, unless they are in grade school.

I have learned never to stick a square peg into a round hole. Which means that even though there are a thousand ways to make a relationship work . . you shouldn't try to MAKE it.

I have learned that lying is VITAL ina relationship . . .

But I have learned that if you are going to place youself in situations where you have to weave some complicated web of deceit because you were stupid . . . well just don't go there.

I have SOOO many more. . . I'll post more later.