LOL - The lyre sounds like a great idea. I'm a horrible musician, so I'm sure if I played it out the window he would well, probably throw himself off the roof - I'd still have the cruelty to animals issue though and probably irritated neighbors.
When I trap him I will mail him up to UI for you. It's a lovely campus, so I'm sure he'll be very happy there. He's HUGE, so he should provide plenty of protection from all types of horrible people - even BSU fans.
We just moved in, but we're pruning the branches as soon as we get a break in the rain, in other words - July. Until then: ear plugs.