[APhiAnna]

I think that you half understand what you are saying about wanting to change, but I think you are missing something too.

Being "yourself" and finding "yourself" is totally different than adapting the characteristics of another group of people. I think you seem to think that personality is defined by clothing, music, etc. I think that's an outcome of the "indie" scene...although there are many people that truly enjoy that style of music and dress, I also think it can turn into a refuge of people who didn't quite make it in the mainstream culture and so instead flock to a more accepting group so they can savor being an "insider". Therefore, Vampire Weekend and thrift-store vintage and Pabst Blue Ribbon and left of left of left of liberal political views become the defining characteristics of their "personality."

A real personality, though, is more about are you outgoing/introverted, generous/greedy, open-minded/close-minded, excited about or resistant to change, funny, intelligent, snobby, etc. Those are traits people gravitate to in the real world. I could meet a person who loves all the same music I do, or has the same shoes I do, but after 1 minute if our core personalities don't match then it isn't worth either of our time.

I think your "achievement" of buying new clothing is related to this. You were proud that you now fit in with what they wore, but if you don't have anything in common then I doubt they even noticed what you wore, and if you are compatible with them then it doesn't really matter what you wore in the first place. I think you are still so hung up on ridiculous stuff like bands that you are not stopping to consider if you are compatible with either group of women based on core personality.

A quick point: my friend loves 60s and 70s folk music and absolutely hates rap. But she still loves the bars we went to. Why? Not because of music, but because she was a natural extrovert who loved meeting new people and she loves to dance.

A bar is not clothing and music, a bar is the people there and the activities. Forget about the music being played, did you have fun dancing? Did you enjoy the people you met? Did you think the boys were funny, lame, engaging or immature beyond belief? There is a difference between being shy but enjoying yourself (ie, if you didn't have a lot to talk about initially but you had fun) and just not enjoying it or being creeped out. Because then you are back where you were before...not really enjoying your group of friends and bonding over music and clothing tastes because you can't bond over personality.

If you truly want to find out who you are, do what YOU want to do. If you want to say something, or do something, or wear something, DO IT and don't over think it. (Unless it's something really slutty or heroin or whatever haha).

In one of my marketing classes, we learned about the "Spotlight Effect". In an experiment, people were asked to leave the room and return clothed in ridiculous 80s clothes. They were then asked to estimate the amount of people who noticed the change. They said 95%. In reality it was 20%. In life, most people are NOT thinking about you at all. All these people that are judging you based on what you say, wear, listen to...statistically speaking, the majority are in your head. So just do what you want. That is different than "do what you think another group wants you to do".

Are you truly having fun with these girls, or are you just pretending that you are? It could be that neither group is right for you. Stop censoring yourself and just do what you would do if there was nobody judging you.

Even if you get in, a sorority will NOT fix any of your problems. If you don't join one, you can still change yourself anyways. Don't make this one event the only possible catalyst for change in your life. Realize that what people say and think about you is a) happening a lot less than you think, b) should NEVER effect what you do with your life as long as it is a healthy choice (obviously listen if your friends think you are doing something unhealthy) and c) is only a "perception" of you...if somebody thinks you are boring, it doesn't mean your core personality is boring. It means they think that of you, but they aren't privileged to see everything in your life, so how could they know that with any certainty? It simply doesn't make their judgment true.

So get on with what you want...life is short and youth is even shorter. Good luck!