[newbie]

OK, this might be one of my saddest/most pessimistic AND LONGEST posts ever on GC, but please bear with me. I'm just so frustrated right now!

So basically last night and this morning/afternoon -- till my dad picked me up from school -- I felt on top of the world. SEriously. I was SOOOOO excited about becoming a Trojan...it's something I've wanted since the BEGINNING of my college search. Yes, I can name the concrete things I love about SC (school spirit, campus atmosphere, private school, alum connections, Trojan Family, etc. etc...the list goes on), but there has always been something intangible about SC that I just LOVE but can't explain to people!

I'm just so sick of being on the roller coaster ride that I'm on right now. I've grown so much in the past 2 months -- much more than I've ever grown, I think -- and have changed so much, and have experienced the extremes of emotion (exhilaration and despair). It began in March, when I was elated when I was accepted to UCI. It was one of the schools that I wanted to go to, but USC was always IT for me. The thing is, and I never told you guys this yet, that though I sent out 7 college applications, the only one I ever truly cared about was SC's. I worked my butt off jr year and sr yr to get into SC, and though I had other favorites college-wise, they were my "backups" just in case the large possibility happened that I wouldn't get into USC. I was elated tho when UCI accepted me, because in my eyes, I'd be going "somewhere" I liked in the Fall.

Then there was the Davis acceptance. The first reaction -- and I kid you not -- that I had when I got into Davis was, "Oh OK...cool." Nothing like my enormous excitement with Irvine's, where I jumped and screamed, running around the house with glee and never stopped smiling (my mom said she saw me smiling in my sleep, too, that night!). But then, I realized that Davis is a good school, too, and that I should give it a chance. I grew more and more excited that another competitive school wanted me. It's just that throughout this whole college admissions process, I've doubted myself like never before. I feel like I've changed from an optimist to a pessimist. It's just that I made serious mistakes sophomore year, academics-wise, that I felt that no good college would want me. That's why I worked my butt off junior and senior year to prove to everyone, especially SC, that I was a good student and would be a great asset to their school. My teachers have told me time and time again that I'm the most worried person they've ever met. Before my Irvine acceptance, I heard about other friends and classmates getting in. I was so nervous and kept on comparing my stats to theirs, thinking that I would be stuck at a community college. So Davis was also a boost to my (admittedly low) academic self-esteem.

After I visited Davis, I was all set to go there. I just had this "feeling" that SC wouldn't accept me. Most people heard from SC in late February or early March...not like me (I found out April 3rd). I was so excited about Davis, too. Deep down inside, I told myself that SC was a longshot...in both terms of admission and finances. I was satisfied with Davis, too.

And then everything started. SC accepted me April 3rd, and I feel like I've been on such a roller coaster since. I was so shocked to get in, but was also exhilarated because I had worked so hard JUST for SC. JUST to feel the feelings that I felt when I got accepted. And then after that, I was so nervous, and being the constant worrier I am, couldn't stop thinking about when the SC fin aid package would arrive. Despite my worry, though, I just thought that things would work itself out...SC has a good reputation for financial aid.

So I found out April 20th, a Saturday, about my SC fin aid package. I looked online, and immediately called my parents. Actually, initially I was pretty pleased with the package...for some reason the 1800 they offered me, I thought it looked like 18000. Yes, I was wearing my-not-20/20-glasses at that time, heh. So I caleld my parents and then was like, "Ohhhhhh....it's 1800. Ummmm, they offered me a $585 grant!" My parents laughed sarcastically and were like, "Um, Yeeeeeeah. USC is crazy!" That afternoon, I sobbed and sobbed, thinking that my dream of becoming a Trojan was shot. I kept on telling myself and my friends, 'why couldn't I have been just REJECTED? That would have felt so much better than to get accepted and not be able to attend. It's just, I already was prepared to get rejected! Why did they have to totally hurt me like this?' And though I tried long and hard, I couldn't push away the thought that Davis was also good too. I just thought too much of SC.

So then last week, my Dad told me that we should, as we had planned, still go down to visit SC. I was like, "Why?!? USC sucks. Are they crazy to expect us to pay so much? I don't want my heart to be punched out AGAIN. Just to see the campus again, that will hurt so much. I don't even want to set eyes on the campus. It already hurts enough." But my Dad persuaded me to never give up. That life is too precious to give up so soon, when I've gotten so far. I rolled my eyes, adn was like, "Ok, whatever. We're still going to Disneyland, right?"

So I got on the plane, just expecting to spend an unsuccessful day at the USC financial aid office, and go to Disneyland on Saturday. I even called my Mom on Thurs. night (the night I got to LA) to complain to her, saying, "Dad's out of his mind. Yeah, like USC's gonna give us anymore than 1000. No thank you. I don't even wanna go Mommy!" But my Mom told me that I should just go...since I'm in LA anyway.

So I went to the fin aid office, and when I walked on campus, I just felt so sad. I thought to myself, "Why does USC have to be so mean?? It's not like they know me, but still, why do they have to let me in and not let me go because of money??" Then in the fin aid office, USC really pleasantly surprised me. They surpassed my expectations....giving me so much in aid, compared to the original package. Thank Goodness.

So I walked around campus, loving it more and more. I realized that I had a VEEEERY good chance of going to SC. I just loved the architecture, the spirit that every student at SC has, the warmth that the campus seems to have for its students, and the people, who are all amazing. Then the next day I returned for campus for Admitted Students Open House. I loved SC even more (quite impossible, but true!). The only thing I dreaded about my trip was leaving...I didn't want to leave SoCal, I didn't want to return home to face my mother....who was SO AGAINST me going to SC.

The whole plane trip home I was thinking about how I wish I was back in LA. LA, BTW, is amazing, for those of you who haven't been there. Then I got home, and my mother refused to listen to anything I said about SC. But slowly, after several crying and yelling matches, she began to come around. That afternoon, she told me, "Though I don't like the school, and though it will be SO DIFFICULT for us to send you there, I want you to go. You love the school so much, and I think you will do well there." I immediately ran to my mother, jumped and hugged her, and told her just how much I appreciated her and loved her. I told her how this was the best present she ever gave me, and how I would make her SO PROUD of me at my SC graduation in May 2006. I told her how I would make sure of it that she would think that all the money and sacrifices my family and I would make for me would be worth all our energy.

Flash forward to Sunday night. I was so angry because my sister called and changed my mother's mind about USC. My sister, again, ruined my dream (at least temporarily) about USC. She and I had a shouting match, in which I hung up sobbing. My mother then made me feel horrible when she told me all the sacrifices we would have to make just so I can attend my dream school. That whole night, I sobbed like never before. I never knew that I could cry like that. I just thought, "What am I gonna do? It's already April 28th, and I have to make my decision befrore May 1st. If I choose SC, I will have to deal with the possibly-major financial consequences that will face us. If I choose Davis, I won't be following my heart and will always wonder WHY I couldn't have just signed my SIR card to SC." I cried myself to sleep, and decided that I just wasn't in the right emotional state to go to school the next day.

The next morning, I woke up at 7 AM and overheard my mother telling my father, "I couldn't sleep at all last night. Was thinking about what will happen to us should we send her to USC." I started crying again, and put in earplugs because I knew that I needed rest -- my good friend Jess had told me that what I truly needed at that time was rest to clear my head from all the frustrations and worries I was experiencing. I went back to sleep, woke up, called my cousin and again started crying, because I just didn't know what to do. My mother, bless her heart, called me around 1 PM to tell me this: "You can go to USC." I thought she was joking, and I was incredulous. She told me that she knew how much I wanted it, and though we will all have to sacrifice things that I wouldn't have had to at Davis, that it also will be worth it. I was so happy, called my friends on their cellphones (they were at lunch) and was screaming because I finally had reached my goal of being a USC Trojan. Then I went back online, talked to Amycat, and downloaded a USC buddy icon and wallpaper for my computer .

So last night and this morning/afternoon -- till my dad picked me up from school -- I was on top of the world. I told my other friends and teachers the good news, and they all hugged me so tightly because they knew how elusive this was for me. They knew how much I wanted this to come through. Then my dad picked me up. The whole car ride home, I was talking about USC-this, USC-that. He was silent. I knew something was wrong. When we got home, he told me, "I think we should still send in the Davis SIR." I was AGAPE with shock. I was like, "What?!!!! WHY???????????????????????" In the house, I asked him point-blank, "Tell me honestly...where do you want to send me?" His answer: "USC!" Then I asked, "Are you 100% sure as of now that you want to send me there?" He said yes. Then I asked, "Are you expecting to lose 100 dollars (the SIR fee of UCD)?" He said yes. So then I asked him WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEND IN THE UCD SIR after ALL OF THIS! He said, to keep options open! But I just don't get it. If he and my mom are 100% committed to sending me to USC, like they say, why the hell (pardon my language) are they sending in the UCD SIR?? If he even said that they want to send me to USC, WHY WHY WHY???????? Then he stormed off after I told him I just frankly did not understand WHY he wanted to send in the SIR.

He left the house with the UCD SIR. I called my mother, sobbing yet again, demanding to know what happened. My mother, as it turns out, is vehemently against him sending the UCD SIR, because she wants me to go to USC now. She told me that one of my uncles had persuaded my dad to send in the SIR. That just got me soooooooo pissed. First off, this uncle does not know me very well -- I see him once every 2 years -- TOPS. Secondly, he doesn't know why I like USC so much...has he ever asked me? Noo. Thirdly, just because he's a doctor he should know everything?

So I called one of my good friends and sobbed while she tried to counsel me. Then, on the other line, was my mother. She said she had convinced my dad not to send it. I called my dad immediately, asking did he or didn't he. He said he didn't. Then he hung up, saying that he had to talk to me later. I got back to my friend, relieved that my dream of being a USC Trojan was fully intact.

Fast forward 30 minutes later. My dad proceeds to call me to tell me how disappointed he is in me and how selfish I'm being. I then try to explain to him how MUCH it WORRIES me for him to send in the UCD SIR....how much my future hangs on the line just b/c this uncle told him to do this...how MUCH I want CLOSURE after this stressful and confusing admissions process. How MUCH I want to be a Trojan. How I had already PLANNED to be a Trojan. How proud and happy everyone was for me, because they knew how much I've wanted it. How much it worries me that this SIR -- this commitment -- means that there is a GOOD possiblity that I will be forced to attend UCD this Fall. All the time I was tellign him this, he kept on saying how selfish I was being. The thing is, though, I might be being selfish, yes, but he must realize that behind this whole SIR thing, there is a person with feelings...an intense person who never stops worrying about her future...a passionate person who has let the whole world know how much she loves USC...a girl who has wanted to be a Trojan for so long, and just yesterday, WAS one....

He still hasn't decided whether to send in the UCD SIR. And I'm so scared right now. So disappointed in him. So frustrated that I've come SO far...and maybe not far enough. So frustrated that I might not be able to be a Trojan anymore....just SO frustrated knowing that my future might not be in my control.

I'm just so sick of crying, so sick of being on this stupid roller coaster ride called life, so sick of this whole college thing. The truth is, I'm such a worrier at heart (one of my teachers said she has not known anybody who worries as much as me). I won't be able to enjoy the rest of my sr yr, because just thinking about UCD and USC makes me mad. Makes me sad, disappointed, worried, frustrated. I hate thinking that at my Graduation -- where I should be truly content with myself -- I might not know where i'm headed. Who knows when this whole drama will end? Will my dad force me to continue sending UC fees? Will he not let me stop thinking about UCD until the end of SEptember (when classes start for the UC system)?

WILL I BE A USC TROJAN???????

I'm sorry this is so negative, it's just I thought I would be truly content come May 1st... ha ha...that is so not happening unless my dad doesn't send off the UCD SIR.

I'm still not removing the "Fight On Trojans" from my signature...no matter what happens, I will still root for USC. I'm just hoping that I can become a student there come next Spring...and not some UCD girl who likes USC.