[newbie]

I keep a diary on my comp, so I'm just gonna copy and paste to let you all know what happened today. Thanks for caring everybody...I truly appreciate it.

Dear Diary,

Today has been the worst day in my life. As I write this, tears are streaming down my cheeks, for the second time today. I thought that I had cried myself out the first time, but apparently not. The first bout of horrible news was when I checked the fin aid website for USC. I was floored to read that they expect us to pay about $16000 – for ONE SEMESTER. As I read the fin aid information, my mouth was agape and my heart was racing in panic. USC expects us to pay $32000 a YEAR? I was/am beyond shocked. In a state of dismay. I couldn't stop crying -- I had been accepted to my dream school -- where I love almost every aspect of it (academic, social, athletic, alum, school spirit), and the only thing that separates me from it is lack of money? I cannot understand that USC expects us to pay so much in one year. I will definitely call them on Monday...I'm hoping that they made a mistake. There's no way in hell that we could comfortably afford 32K a year. But this has just hurt so much. As Linkin Park accurately says, "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter." I just feel so heartbroken right now. It's just, USC has been my dream school ever since the beginning. When seeing people in The City donning SC sweatshirts or cars which bear USC license plates, I always think to myself, "How I would LOVE to be a Trojan!!!" There's almost something magical to it. I thought that getting in was the biggest thing. Somehow, naive little me thought that if I were to be accepted, everything would work itself out, and I'd be a USC come Fall. I'm feeling completely dismayed because it's just so frustrating because for so long I've been in love with the Trojan Family aspect of USC, with their school spirit, with the pride that one undoubtedly feels sporting a USC sweatshirt -- stuff that you don't get at UCD.

And it's just, people say that everything happens for a reson. But it's like, I dont' know why I was accepted to USC in the first place then. Why couldn't I have had a rejection letter in the first place??? Then my heart wouldn't have gotten so involved! I don't understand why a higher Being had to decide to squash my heart by getting my hopes up so high that I'd be a USC Trojan, and then have the money aspect not work out. It hurts like you wouldn't believe. A few days ago, I saw 2 fellow seniors donning 'SC sweatshirts. I could honestly feel the pride that they have for their future school, and I was/am still filled with jealousy. They are so lucky to know that they can be a part of the Trojan Family, and are so blessed to know they can attend even with the high costs.

I know life's supposed to work out for the best, but why was I accepted then?? This hurts far more than any rejection could. Far more. I've never felt this much emotional pain before, with the exceptions of family deaths. Even my worst relationship breakup is nothing compared to this. At this point in my life, I can honestly say with fervor that life's completely brutal and unfair. Painful. Shocking. F-ed up.

To make everything worse, my father said to me tonight, "Well, had you worked harder sophomore year, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!" And then he "hmmped" and shook his head disapprovingly. Hearing that actually made my jaw drop and immediately, tears rushed down my cheeks. It just made me feel so angry and miserable. What he meant was, had I worked harder sophomore year for good grades, I would've had UCLA to choose from. He then wrote off my USC acceptance by saying, "You think it's a big deal to be accepted to USC? It's not Stanford for crying out loud." He then laughed evilly. At that point, I just about fell apart. Everybody -- with the exception of my parents -- is so proud of me getting into USC and are always in awe when I tell them I'm considering USC. They're like, "Wow. That's such an awesome school." They understand how hard I've worked for USC. It's so difficult to get into 'SC -- last year, 'SC's average SAT of their entering freshman class was 1320; their avg GPA was an incredible 3.93. Compare that to Davis' 1163 SAT score and 3.7 GPA. Sure, USC's not Stanford, but many people believe that USC and UCLA are almost equal in quality, since 'SC is better than UCLA in some aspects (connections for jobs and internships; personal attention; and the Trojan Family).

Then, my father delivered a final blow, saying, "Why should I be proud of you? Had you worked hard sophomore year, you wouldn't be in this situation!" That hurt like nothing else has ever hurt. So many amazingly smart classmates of mine are going to the CSUs because they weren't accepted at UCs. And it's not like UCD is a crappy UC; it's pretty good...nationally ranked. It just hurts so much because he doesn't understand how much he has to proud of. All the schools that i wanted to go to, I got in. I MET all my goals. I set some lofty, unreasonable goals -- and reached them. After a horrible sophomore year, I bounced back extraordinarily and promised myself that I would make a minimum 3.5 GPA for junior year -- a hard thing to accomplish at my HS. I finished with a 4.0. I worked my butt off to study, and sacrificed social events and friendships to earn the best grades possible. I questioned myself regularly if it was all worth it -- I was making so many personal sacrifices just to get into a good college. And I'm proud to say that it all paid off. I got into the school of my dreams, plus others. First semester senior year, I slaved over SAT classes, the personal statement, and sought to make my application perfect. I wanted to prove to them that I would be a good addition to their school. I wanted them to realize that my poor sophomore grades shouldn't define me. I spent countless sleepless nights making my personal statement as flawless as can be -- I wanted it to prove the qualities I possess. At times, I just wanted to give up. I was so convinced that my sophomore grades would seal my fate. But, I persisted and worked through it all. It's painful that my dad refuses to see all the lengths I took to succeed after that horrible sophomore year.

I could have thrown in the towel and succumbed to the power of drugs and endless partying. But I didn't, thank goodness. I wanted to get into USC so badly that I also worked my butt off for a 4.2 GPA 1st semester of senior year ('SC counts senior year grades). I chose all these choices -- and met them all. I've come so far -- and grown so much -- and am feeling so sad that my father doesn't see the lengths I've gone to meet my goals. I couldn't believe that he said he wasn't proud of me. He knows how much I've wanted USC (how could he not? I talked night and day about 'SC), and how hard I worked junior and senior years to get into the college of my dreams. He knows that I did the best I could. He knows that I set pretty unreasonable goals but strived to make them.

I feel horrible that he thinks the way he does -- I'm so tired of hearing UCLA-this, UCLA-that. UCLA's not for me...just because my parents like it, and I didn't get in, I'm a failure in their eyes?? Are they ever gonna be proud of me?? Will I ever be good enough for them? Or am I perpetually living in my sister's shadow?

Right now I'm feeling like life couldn't be any worse than right now, but today has definitely wiped any last shot of optimism left in me...

I definitely need to get out of this house first thing in the morning tomorrow...need to go for a swim, where for one hour I can just forget every single thing...