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I think separate bathrooms is a very good idea too. I can't stand the mess in the bathroom. The whiskers in the sink, the bad "aim" issues, the amount of hair in the shower..ick! We tried to split household duties when we first got married and I asked him to choose which rooms he was going to clean. He picked one of the bathrooms and, since it was the only shower in the house, I had to use the shower, but I used the other bath to do my hair, makeup, and to use the commode most of the time. Several years later, he says to me "We need a new toilet upstairs". And I say "Why? Is it broken?" and he says "It's brown". I blinked, stared and said "Have you tried cleaning it?" I handed him a bottle of bleach and guess what? The toilet was like new again and he still has the same toilet now, 10 years later!
The first weekend that I had to work after we got married (I worked every third weekend then), he called me at work and asked "How do I turn the dryer on?" Yes, 30 years old and had never worked a dryer. He knew how to cook two things, eggs and toast. He called me once at work (again on a weekend) to ask me how to make macaroni and cheese.. Kraft, from a box, because my daughter wanted it for lunch. The whiskers in the sink, stuck to the shaving cream and solidified were so gross. He left doors and drawers open all the time. His dresser was on my side of the bed and he'd leave one drawer open, right at shin level. I went to bed after him so I'd sneak in, trying to be quiet and WHAM, right in the shin. Then he'd get mad cuz I woke him up! I'm a snooze alarm person and a very deep sleeper, but he is not. He would turn the alarm off before I even heard it and I'd wake up way late. I have to say, he has made great strides in the housework and cooking arenas. He had to, since he has the kids every other week. I taught him to cook before I left. He really liked this baked, breaded chicken that I used to make and he makes it regularly now. I never liked it that much, so I don't make it much. A couple years after we got divorced, my daughter said "You should ask daddy how to make his chicken, it's really good" and I said "Who do you think taught him how to make that chicken?" LOL
He does have deep seated issues that prevent him from being capable of the type of emotional intimacy that marriage requires. This came out during marriage counseling. I understand where his issues are, but I can't live with them. Had he made any real effort to work through them, we may have been able to make it. Every time the marriage counselor tried to address them though, he stopped going. A few months later, I'd tell him I was going to file for divorce and he'd beg me to stay, promise to go to counseling again and we'd go again. Then the same thing would happen. He's still searching for something that has to come from within him, but he seeks it externally. He still hasn't worked through those issues. I feel sorry for him because he cannot find his inner peace but at the same time, he's not willing to face the painful things he has to face to find it. Because of his childhood experiences, he never learned the basics of a family being a cooperative unit. In his experience, it is "each man for himself". That simply doesn't work in a marriage and is very hard to see while you're dating because it just doesn't come up in the same ways. In a private session, the counselor explained to me that he is only capable of a certain level of emotional intimacy. When I tried to move in closer, he would back off. When I backed off, he moved in closer, but that same distance was always maintained. When dating, it was an acceptable distance. For marriage, it was not.
We get along surprisingly well for ex-es. He told me months ago that "much to his chagrin", I am probably his best friend. Until money issues related to the kids or his selfishness impacts me or the kids, we can get along fine. Our occasional fights are always about money or his selfishness. I work hard to coach both him and the kids so that their relationships with each other remain good.
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