[OtterXO]

One of my friends is notorious for the most awesome bad date stories. This is kind of long but awesome. I cut and pasted this from her email about a bad match.com date:

Oh my gosh - the date was awful! I've been going over it in my head since I got home last night and then gave a summary to my mom this morning and the girls at work when I got in.

Ok, here's the scoop - mind you - most of the time throughout the date I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and it didn't all hit me as being so awful until it was over and I was in the car and was like, man that was awful. I think it's like when you think you might throw up and you're holding it in as long as you can, and then suddenly as the toilet gets within sight it just all comes raging out. Hahaha.

So in a nutshell, he was spastic, manic, inappropriate and a skosh creepy. He was not as good looking in person and was dressed kind of like a dork in khakis with the belt a little too high, sneakers (good right? wrong) that had giant floppy, 5 year old boy looking laces hanging down to the floor like bunny ears, and a polo. Whatever, his looks would have been ok if he had been a normal person.

He used the word 'right?' to end every sentence and after about 20 times when I said "you use the word right a lot" he said, "oh, I do, right? Oh I said it again, right? Aahh! I know, I will say something nice to you every time I say it, right? Ahh, I said it again. You have a pretty watch."

So that was the general manic disposition I got from him. He ate the dessert like a little boy, swirling it into soup and then shoving a giant pile of soup into his mouth and making noises like he was trying to be funny like "aaaa laaaa aaaaa" like he was a monster. Ok, so whatever. On more than one occasion he wanted to find out if I smelled good and tried to bury his face in my neck and hair and then went "ooooh, you do smell good. I smell pretty good too, right? Ah! I said it again. You have a nice sweater."

Then it went really down hill when his leg touched mind so he reached under the table and started rubbing my pant leg and said "oooh, those are nice, let's see if you shaved your legs, OH you didn't!!!!" As he rubbed my leg under my pants. I was horrified! Then he abruptly asked for the check after literally less than a half hour saying he had to be at work at 7:30 - and it was like 7:40 at that point cause we met up at about 7:10.

Other spastic things: when we get outside he suddenly wants to take me somewhere and I'm like "but you just rushed us out of there. Um no I don't think so." He wants to show me his car he says is so sweet and just got in Sept. So we walk up to it and I'm like "um, is it new?" And he goes "do you think it's new?" and to be polite I go "uuuuhhhhhh, yeah?" And he goes "ah! hahahahaah! you think it's new! hahahaah - it's not!!!" (it's a 1991 Toyota MR2). And I'm like "well I was trying to be polite". So then he wants to walk on the pier instead. Ok fine (only like 40 minutes have still gone by). He not only puts his arm around me but puts my arm around him and goes "no spare tire right? pretty nice, aahhhh, you have pretty toenails" (which you can hardly see btw).

We get on the pier and with his arm around me goes "hmmm, you're curvy, let me see" and then turns me to face him and pats me down!!!! "Ooooh, you are curvy, nice" (ugh, this hurts just to type).

Ok so the grand finale: we're sitting on a bench side by side, he puts both arms around my waist, rubs my belly and starts grabbing at it and goes "hmmm, let's see how much fat you have. Wow - you have like no fat. Oh wait, yes you do, you have a little! Ah hahahahaahah!" Um, really?????

A few seconds later he tries to kiss me, I go "NO!!" he doesn't listen so I turn my face, then I have to turn it again and go "uh we just met!!!", he goes "oh right right, we have plenty of time" and a few moments later I go "ready to go?" and hop up.

We walk back toward the restaurant and I go "uh this is me!" as he's walking right past the valet. Tries to kiss me again, I turn my face over and over like f*cking Max Headrum, say "talk to you later" and he basically just walks away. I don't remember if he said anything or not, I was half way to handing my ticket to the valet. Total time lost: hour ten.