[Chuck Norris]

An update from this morning's Chucktastic recruitment adventure...

Round 3: Philanthropy

Chuck has been learning a lot on GC about being panhellenicky. Therefore, Chuck decided to incorporate panhellenic spirit into his morning routine. First, his choice of wardrobe: Chuck wore old blue jeans, an ivy-green shirt, olive-green boots, bronze spurs, and a pearl-studded crimson belt affixed by a gold lion belt buckle. Chuck finished the look with a straw cowboy hat. Underneath, Chuck sported his usual white briefs, and after the clown scare yesterday, Chuck equipped himself with an anchor-shaped death star tucked into his secret ammo pouch. Chuck also made sure he ate a large bowl of wheaties (marketed by General Mills) to start out this very busy day. Chuck later told his fellow PNMs that in the Panhellenic spirit he is hereby renaming the famous crescent kick as a “waxing crescent moon kick.”

Chuck really enjoyed getting to know his fellow PNMs this morning, and they unanimously elected him MVPNM for the recruitment week after watching his lightening-quick reflexes at the Kappa party. Chuck isn’t so sure the sororities themselves felt as safe, because he noticed that (yet again) their Rho Chi had been replaced. But this time, it appeared that the replacement was not a collegian, but one of the American Gladiator girls. Chuck thought this was interesting, but did not feel threatened because most of those sissies just looked tough without any actual skill.

On to the parties…

Zeta Tau Alpha – Chuck really enjoyed the Zeta party today. Zeta’s philanthropy is the Komen foundation, and Chuck is all about saving the boobies. All boobies of all sizes. Little Zeta, whom he spoke with yesterday, was a little naïve today, but Chuck really likes her anyway, along with this one Zeta with a really strong southern accent. Chuck finds that sexy. Chuck didn’t see creepy zeta anywhere today and decided she must have disappeared, or was possibly banned from the house? Chuck doesn’t care though. There were plenty of nice Zetas to keep him company. At one point a Zeta came up to Chuck and told Chuck that she was a theater major. She asked Chuck, “As an experienced and talented actor, I was wondering if you had any tips on getting into such a badass character?” Chuck said, “Chuck doesn’t act, Chuck is a badass.”

Kappa Alpha Theta – Theta’s philanthropy is CASA, or Court-Appointed Special Advocates. The Thetas told Chuck that kids often need to have someone involved in the legal system to make sure their needs did not get overlooked in the process. During the party, the group made cards and toys for the CASA kids. Chuck sat down at a table with kung fu theta and reached for some scissors to make a card. Kung fu Theta said “Actually, Chuck, we brought some special scissors for you to use today.” Kung fu Theta handed Chuck some special plastic-ended scissors with plastic yellow handles. Chuck did not appreciate this, but Chuck was quickly distracted by the large amounts of gold glitter the girls were using. Chuck likes glitter.

Pi Beta Phi – The Pi Phis support “Champions are Readers,” a charity that promotes literacy. Everyone sat around tables and made these bookmarks for kids that were SOOOO cute. Chuck started talking to some of the Pi Phis about Mike Huckabee’s books and how people should read them before they vote for someone else. For absolutely no reason whatsoever, a girl started getting really upset with Chuck and told Chuck that people shouldn’t have to read candidates books to know what they’re about. Chuck told her “You’ll read what I tell you to read.” and threw the Japanese-death anchor from his pouch at her. Chuck wins.

Kappa Kappa Gamma – Chuck walked into the Kappa house and sat at a craft table with some of the girls he remembered from the first party. Throw-up Kappa made a special point to thank Chuck for his bravery the day before against the scary Kappa Clown. Chuck looked around and realized that the Kappas, too, were making bookmarks. Chuck said, “Wow, Chuck is going to be really good at making bookmarks after this party. Did y’all realize the Pi Phis have the same philanthropy?” One Kappa got really mad and said “No, Chuck, our philanthropy is RIF, Reading is Fundamental. RIF is totally different than Champions are Readers. If you can’t see the difference between us and the Pi Phis, then maybe all you care about is having letters, anyway.” Chuck said “Chuck doesn’t need keys because Chuck likes to break stuff open” and gave the Kappa his ancient kimono knee jab.

After Chuck left the Kappa party, Chuck realized that was two violent Kappa party outbursts in a row and that probably did not bode well for Chuck. Chuck cut Kappa for tonight’s preference round.