Quote:
Originally posted by sigmagrrl:
When I tried to do what I was "supposed to": join the African Cultural clubs, Caribbean Cultural groups, etc, I did not feel accepted, but I also didn't like them. So, I moved on to drama, my sorority, and other clubs that had nothing to do with race and I made more friends there and felt more accepted and appreciated there...So, now, I just don't even bother! And the beautiful thing is is that I don't HAVE to! I learned my lesson. When you are burned over and over, you learn to not put yourself in that fire again. It's a waste of both my time and theirs, usually. The two black women I am friends with have been persecuted the same way. For example, we are both chastized for dating outside of our race, both of us have been asked "Why you talk so white?" while the person's nose is scrunched up and eyes rolling, and both of us have found that WE DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE BUT OURSELVES! I am tired of having to justify WHY I don't hang out with any other blacks, I just hang out with people who are like me: we love to laugh, love to have good conversation over wonderful meals, and travel. And I find that the ones who ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM AND WHAT I AM have NOT been black!! Why does it BOTHER other black people SO much if I do not to associate with them? I want THAT answered...
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I think the feeling that you do not associate with Black people out of some level of anger and a rejection of Black people is why they are bothered. You post reflects some hostility over the rejection you felt and the expectation that you should conform to their ideal image of you. I suspect that may come across in person as well. No one should strive to please others. Yhe only opinion that should matter is your own. A true friend does not have to ahve all the smae likes and dislikes you do. I have friends who do ot listen to the same type of music I do at all. That has nothing to do withthe bond between us and the knowledge that we can always rely on one another. Also, you do not have to approve of all of your friends choices. I have opinions about dating men of oter races that differs form one of my closest friends. She is grown nd can date whomever she wants. I don't ahvea a say but our friendship is bigger than her current boyfriend.
I know what it is like to be ostracised, told you look white, talk white. It is always difficult when you find people constantly questioning your identity and trying to define you for you. I am an EXTREMELY light skinned Black woman (can we say could pas for White back in the day if not for certain facial features and my hair texture.) I am not biracial. (outside of a historical context- many African-Amiercans who are decendants of enslaved people are mixed racially) But because of my appearance, people frequently would try to challenge my Blackness growing up. I was educated in a private school from K-12th that was predominantly White. Because I was surrounded by White kids of course I made White friends. I also had Black friends from the few in the school and from activities outside of my school. My parents made sure my social world was diverse so that I had friends of all races. Still, I socialized primarily with White kids growing up.
Sigmagirl, what stands out to me in your post is the fact that you have some anger towards those who have burned you in the past. What I hope for you is that you learn to get past that and open yourself up to friendship opportunities that may otherwise pass you by without you knowing it. You sound like yoor expereinces have caused you to be closed off in that way. (of course, that is reading a post and could be way off base, so forgive me if it is wrong) I think there is a benefit to all people to have relationships with diverse groups of friends. Although I do not know you and cannot say what the real effect any of this will or won't have on you may be, there often is a more deep seeded issue when some one simply does not associate with people of their own race. For some, it reflects an internalization of steroetypes about their own people, for others it is a feeling of rejection turned to anger based on past experience.
If I could know, what I would want to know from you is what relevance do you beleive being a Black person holds in your life? Is it irrelevant to your life? Is it an integral deifning part of who you are or something more happenstance about you? I am NOT asking you to answer me. I just suspect that the way that people answer these questions has a lot to do with their feelings on this topic. For me, being a Black person is a central part of my identity. It is significant to me and about me. I once had someone say to me- as a compliment- "I could almost forget you were Black." I was angry and outraged that they thought that was a compliment. I mean, that is like saying I could almost forget you were a woman as though it was something to be overcome or overlooked and that I should be striving to be something other than Black. If you really accpet me for me you would be able to accept me without forgetting pieces of me.
Anyway, my belief is that there is more to a person's identity than jsut their race but there is a signifcance to that racial identity from a cultural and historical standpoint. This should not dictate what orgs you join. For me, there was no other choice I was interested in than a BGLO (and that HAD to be DST!
) but to each her own. I just would hope that the choice is not a reflection of anger, disappointment or blanket dislike for members of one's own race.
[This message has been edited by Kimmie1913 (edited May 02, 2001).]