[DSTKellie]

Your thoughts....



Monday, March 5, 2007
Dating for Black Women

The quickest way to start a heated debate amongst Black people is to talk about the state of Black relationships. All of the feelings of insecurity, betrayal, hate, and despair rise to the surface, and most would rather not discuss it for fear of being blamed for the issues that we face. Both are angry and have some very strong opinions about the others' behavior. While I do understand that there are issues on both sides of the sexes, I can only sympathize with the fairer one, being female myself. I acknowledge that both men and women have had some difficult and painful relationship experiences and do recognize that both are to blame for our sad state of affairs. With that being said, I would love to hear opinions from others concerning this topic, and welcome all responses.

From what I hear, we all have some issues with our gender counterparts. Black women are disgusted with they way Black men have developed a strong attraction to non-Black women. They are disgusted with being thought of as bitches, moody, or too strong when they achieve a certain level of success. They are disgusted with the lack of decent, eligible brothers. A single, educated, independent woman feels that it is nearly impossible to find the same in a Black man. They feel that since Black men know they are a commodity, they use that to cheat, lie, and mistreat their women because they know she'll never leave them. Black women feel that they are thought of as sexually repressed because they do not engage in sexually deviant behaviors that many of the non-Black women do. Black women feel that Black men date and marry white women because they are status symbols and make Black men feel more successful. They feel neglected, rejected, and abandon by Black men, and consistently feel attacked when they express these emotions.

Throughout the history of this country, Black women have always been the lowest on the totem pole. We are taught to hate ourselves from a very young age. Our body types are not symbols of beauty, from the curves of our hips to the texture of our hair, we are underrepresented in the media, in the workplace, and even on college campuses. We arrive to college realizing that most of the eligible brothers are dating and sleeping with white women because they have been taught to hate us too. Once we graduate from college with our high priced degrees, that we had to work ridiculously hard to achieve, we are thrown into the workforce. This is where we are further humiliated.

We have to be stronger, smarter, and more cunning to even be recognized as good. As we begin to achieve our success, we have to ignore the rude side comments, look past the office functions and parties that were definitely not meant for us, and contend with all the questions about our hair, way of life, and my favorite, "why don't you hang out with us on the weekends." Any sign of resistance, annoyance, or challenge that we show is cause for us to hear the angry black woman comments, not just from non-Blacks, but from Black males as well. We are the most misunderstood, misrepresented, and mistreated group in the United States. Now after we have spent 8 or more hours with the fake smiles of insincerity, we come home to either an empty home or a house full of kids we're raising by ourselves. And the sad part is, a lot of married women are raising kids by themselves.

So now you may ask, well just how bad is it for a single, educated, financially independent woman. Oh my friends, it's really bad. If pick at random 100 black men over the age of 18, 4 are in prison, 15 have HIV, 29 are gay, 93 have not completed a four-year degree, 43 are married, 65 have been married more than once, 75 of them have children, and 90 of them have an income of $19,000 or below.

I will not comment at length about the statistics because I think they speak for themselves. Go to United States Department of Labor's website to see more statistics that are equally as troubling.

Now I already know some of the comments or opinions I'm going to get. "Black men have it rough too," "Black women don't do a good job making us feel like men." "Black women do us dirty too." "Black women don't want a good man". Yes the responses are endless. I'm not negating the fact that maybe some of these are true. I think it's important to recognize that both groups have experienced some very painful stuff. I realize that nobody is perfect. However what I find to be typical is that Black women are aware of the struggles that our men are faced with, and are very willing to put up with a whole lot of mess just to be with a Black man. On the flip side, they are not given the same consideration. Black men are three times more likely to marry outside of their race than Black women. What this tells me is that despite the lack of options and despite being abused and misused, Black women are loyal, and would rather be single than marry outside of their race. However, because we are not the standard of beauty, white men don't want to marry Black women either.

So let's look at how this plays out. From an early age we realize that we are not wanted by the media. Look at baby doll commercials, white Barbie choices compared to black barbie choices. We rarely see positive, normal Black women on very popular T.V. shows, i.e. Desperate Housewives, Friends, Seinfeld, etc. The first time a Black actress wins an Academy Award, she plays a woman called "Mammy" in a movie that displays us as property. Then the first time a Black actress wins for best actress, its for a role in which she has disgusting sex with an even more disgusting white man.

In college we quickly realize that our skin is too dark and morals too high to attract the athletes, and then after subtracting the athletes, you're not left with much except the 4 Black men in the fraternity who date all of the 40 Black women in the sororities. Subtract those four, and you're left with the 2 "roommates" who look at each other more than any woman, white or black. That leaves you with about 5 brothers. Three of which have been there since the voting age was moved to 18, and they still have two years until graduation. Of the other two, one doesn't bathe, wear deodorant, or cut his toenails because he's "earthy" and refuses to buy into the white man's idea of beauty. (and he wears Birkenstocks) Oh but the one left is gorgeous, speaks well, a pre-law major, and president of every Black student organization. He is charming, dresses well, and everyone speaks highly of him. The problem: All the other 235 Black women on campus want him, and worse than that, he has a girlfriend back home who he is solely dedicated to and will marry upon graduation. However you don't worry, once you graduate, there will be a plethora of decent, eligible Black men...NOT!!!

So you relocate for that fabulous job you landed after hours of studying and numerous internships. Or maybe you go on to graduate school. Either way you are in for a rude awakening. If you thought Black men were scarce in undergrad, just wait until to get to corporate America or graduate school. Your chance of meeting them there are slim to nil.

So what do we do? To be honest I don't have an answer. I am, however, disheartened at the fact that after everything we have gone through being citizens in a country that despises us, we can't seem to work together for our mutual success. I am not against interracial dating or marriage. I believe that you should marry anyone you want to. However my concerns are the reasons for eliminating people of your own race based on these extremely biased attitudes and beliefs. I am concerned with this attitude of self hatred or the way we define one another. I am concerned with a generation of Black men who, regardless of who they choose to be with, insult, degrade, demean, and debase Black women even though a Black woman gave them life. I am concerned for my Black sisters who continue to struggle with self-hatred, self-loathing, manic depression, single parenting, and low self-esteem, because they don't receive any affirmation, congratulations, support, or recognition from any part of their lives. I am concerned for my sisters who always have to look out for everyone, but no one is looking out for them. I am concerned for my sisters and brothers who can't come together and encourage, uplift, and support one another. I'm concerned for the next generation of Black children who will be born into a world that already thinks of them as inferior, but won't have the support they need to overcome the negative labels and stereotypes that come from just having dark skin.

My hope is that my sons and daughters live in a better world than I do, but in order to do that, I have to make it better, and for me to make it better, I have to be better. So my friends concentrate on being better, so we can make it better.