Prospectiverushee, AlphaChiGirl, and CA Theta, I apologize for not responding earlier!
CA theta, sure, I wouldn't mind starting a journal-type entry thingey. Here goes, just for you! LOL
Sunday, January 20, 2002
Dear Diary,
In the past few days, I've been increasingly thinking about how March is coming up fast, and how my destiny is about to be "defined" with those envelopes in the mail. I'm just so worried because there is a part of me that majorly doubts that I will be accepted into my top three choices. I also am obsessed with the University of Southern California and I know I will be heartbroken if I'm not accepted, or if I don't get enough financial aid to go. My parents keep on telling me not to get my hopes up because it is easier that way for my heart to get squashed. But I can't help it; I'm in love with the school. What's not to like about USC? Though the location and the $$$ leave little to be desired, every other aspect of the school is so appealing. I can imagine myself there, with the beautiful Romanesque brick buildings behind me and the football field in front of me. I love the USC songs of "Tribute to Troy" and "Fanfare" among others. They send shivers up my spine each time I listen to them. Okay, I better stop now before I get my hopes WAY too high and before I offend any of those UCLA alums/students!
People tell me all the time that in the long run, it won't matter which college I did or didn't get into. But to me, it matters so much, at least right now it does. I worry that if I don't get accepted, my parents will remind themselves that I am their failure. I've already "failed" them so many times already, by goofing off/partying way too much sophomore and freshman years, by quitting piano (in Asian-American world, piano is God), by being a rebel. College rejections would just add to that list. I know that in the back of my mind, I will also berate myself for being a failure. I know that college decisions shouldn't determine my self-worth, but in my mind, they sorta do. I went to a family dinner a few days ago and my relatives kept on saying how they hope I go to a prestigious university. They made it clear that it would be shameful to not get into a prestigious university.
People say that if I don't get into my top choices, I could just go to a JC and transfer. But for some reason, that route just doesn't appeal to me at all. I guess I would be ashamed to take that route (and I'm ashamed to write this in this public forum), just because I would feel "incapable" myself and I would also embarrass my family, where it's "prestigious four-year university or bust." For some reason, my pride would make me go to even my safety school (the one that I hate) rather than go to a JC and transfer after two years. I guess I am being too stubborn...
I have been logging onto review.com a lot these past few days and have been reading up on my favorite choices. I just pray that my hopes won't be dashed come March/April.
CA theta, yes, I am so excited about going to college. It is something that I've wanted to do for years. Last year, actually, I had senioritis in March - as a junior! I had friends that were seniors and were so excited about going to college and leaving our old high school behind. I was so jealous and wanted to go to college along with them...as college seems to be the best four years of one's life. Going to my high school has left me more jaded than when I came in as a bright-eyed freshman. I can't wait to go to college and find the variety that my daily high school life seems to lack. Of course, I can't wait to rush and hopefully join a sorority. I've wanted to join a sorority since I was little. The sisterhood and family aspect appeal so much, because I know that college will also be a confusing time, especially since I will be in a totally different environment.
For some reason, I don't feel much like a senior. I know I am, but I just don't feel it. Going into this year, I thought that senior year was a time for plain fun and nothing but memories. Instead, I find myself constantly worried and wondering which direction I will be headed next year. I feel like I have matured a lot (which is good), but that I have lost some of the optimism and vitality that people always knew me by. Oh well, second semester is just a few days away (thank God), so I'm sure the fun will come rolling in!
Hope I haven't bored you guys to tears! Sorry that my "story" seems to lack transition...
Until next time,
Newbie