|
Oh volgirl, what a sad, sad story. Here is a little he said/she said
observation.
You said you were his first. This is something that will always be with him (since it wasn't a drunken one timer in the back seat) Take solice in that. Basically, you opened him up to relationships and it's sad to say, but "first loves" aren't always lasting loves. Just remember, he will NEVER forget you. This could explain why he distances himself-he treated you like rat and speaking to you or seeing you reminds him of that. The signs were there and even the best romances struggle when distance is a factor but we all know love is blind, and you didn't see them or perhaps want to see them. Part of what you're feeling COULD be tied into how you feel about yourself right now. We have all asked the questions,the- why did he- what does she have- did I do somthing wrong- how could he/I...You know the ones that just stir around in your mind over and over. This is natural for a while, but it appears for you, it has gone on too long. You recognize this and want to deal with it-best choice you could make, and remember it IS your choice. This is why amycat is sooo right, "Closure can only come from you" BUT, the question of HOW varies from persn to person. When the old truism of time healing all wounds fails, you have to look a little deeper into your own feelings about the past-not just this relationship-but other times that can mirror what you're feeling now. Some common catchalls are-
1"I felt like I did something wrong"-Yep, you said it. No honey, you didn't do anything wrong. You were in love and opened yourself up to all the joy and pain this emotion/state offers. Have you ever taken the blame for other failures when ther WASN'T any blame to take?
2."I was devastated-I felt foolish" This is such a hard one-you have to let this one go. No one likes to appear foolish, but it's only in YOUR eyes, not anyone elses. Forgive yourself. You are judging yourself when there is NOTHING wrong in believing in a promise of love. You must believe he did love you, but there are all kinds of love and this one just wasn't the forever after kind.
3."It tok me four months..." This also seems to fall under the area of pride. You felt foolish and didn't want ANYONE to peceive you as such.
4. Rhonda as the "one in a million girl" No, it wasn't YOU that was meant for him. This doesn't mean you are meant for NO ONE. Just not him. Love isn't a competition or even a comparison. There isn't a "Why I like Rhonda better" list with plus and minuses. True love comes from matching hearts and souls. The match was incomplete. That doesn't devalue it, it just wasn't complete-nothing more or less. Wasn't there something missing for one or both of you in your other relatonships? Who recognized it first?
5."It wiped out any esteem I ever had, and it makes me doubt every guy I go out with." This is the real crux of the problem, don't you think? Once you realize that the breakup is not a reflection of YOU, rather, it is a reflection of the RELATIONSHIP, you can free yourself, even if slowly, to gradually re-enter that fiasco of finding yourself and finding your heart.
You gave a gift to him- as he did to you. You showed each other there is a greater depth to love than anyone had before. You should find comfort in knowing that. There really is more out there, someone who will value you as you value him. If it was easy to find, would we treaure it as much?
|