Yaya Nuri, have you asked the AA women why they come back to work so fast when their non-AA counterparts tend to come back after a longer time off? It may not be a matter of the husband not being supportive - it could be any number of factors that AA women sometimes deal with that non-AA don't deal with to the same extent. For example, in my line of work, the longer you are out, the less likely that you will get the good work when you come back - unless someone is looking out for you, like a very powerful mentor, and has mercy on you (things that AA often do not have). Also, the less likely that you will be promoted, unless someone is really looking out for you. AA women may face being relegated to a lesser position upon return and non-AA women may have the luxury of mentors, etc. that will ensure that their place to held to some extent. For another example, AA are often raised to be very independent and although they are married, some do not feel comfortable with just being at home for months on end. Why? B/c the upbringing is sometimes to ensure that you are able to take care of yourself at all costs. I don't advocate this sort of upbringing and what I call
hyperindependence, I'm just pointing out that it happens. Finally, the women that you work with may just be bored at home. That's what happened to a friend of mine. She had her son, her husband was completely supportive and she could still be at home now if she wanted to be (a year later) but she got BORED with sitting at home after a few months and wanted to do something outside the house so she went back to her job as a professor. And she isn't taking her son to a babysitter, her mother and father are retired and her mother and mother in law are gladly watching their new grandson while she is away at work.
I also have to say (with reference to your post) there is no way that I would be able to stay off my job for 2 years. I would be BORED out of my mind. There are only so many Mocha Moms meetings that one can attend. LOL. Also, if I stay off for 2 years, I might as well not come back at all b/c my job will not be held for me for 2 years. I'm sorry, SC just doesn't have it like that. Maybe others on GC are more lucky in their work environments. Finally, you mentioned your Dad working two jobs and your Mom being a Homemaker until you were 14 or so. I guess that being a Daddy's Girl growing up, I would rather go back to work sooner than have my husband away from his children so many hours of the day and so tired when he gets home. I know that I would have missed my Dad dearly and we wouldn't have the relationship that we have now probably. So there are trade-offs to each situation but my point is, perhaps there are other reasons that the AA women come back to work sooner.
Just pointing out possibilities that may explain AA coming back to work sooner.
I would also like to add that in my opinion, just b/c a husband is not able to support the entire family with his income alone (or at least support the family for 2 years) does not make him a poor provider in my opinion. It depends on the standard of living that *that woman* and *that man* have decided to have as between the two of them. If they have decided that they want to have a certain standard of living that cannot be (long) supported by just the man's income alone, what is the harm in that? I just don't see that it's fair to infer that the man is basically shiftless and slacking on his duties. For instance, in Cali, the median home price is 550K (3 bedroom basic house that may need some repairs - not joking) making the mortgage over 3000 per month, add to that the cost of utilities, two cars, insurance for both cars, gas (LOL) and food, and you are probably over 5000 per month - that is w/out anykind of extravagant living, dining out, clothing, etc. This means that the man must *net* (not *gross*) over 5K to support this very basic lifestyle where nobody is buying clothes or dining out or going to the movies or taking vacations. He probably needs to gross at least 7K per month - which is 84K income per year. The median income is around 30-40K across the U.S. Even if he has a good job with a good income of 70K per year, he couldn't afford it on his own w/out his wife's income. He's not shiftless, he's just living in Cali.
Also, you never know someone else's financial history. Many times others may have inherited money, a house, anything that makes their financial picture rosier and which has nothing to do with their husband being a good provider or not. A friend of mine always says not to assume other people's financial situation and I think this is appropriate here.
SC
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Originally Posted by Yaya Nuri
I would like to know when exactly, did Black men develop such distain for Black women?
Traditionally, because of circumstances, Black women have had to be the backbone of the Black family. I won't even go into slavery; let's talk 50, 60 years ago, when Black men were being systematically shut out of "the system" (jobs, etc). Not to mention the slaughter of Black men. Someone had to feed/clothe the children, pay rent, etc. Black women were left to do that, as a result of a Black man not working, or having been killed.
Look at the footage of Bull Connor sic'ing his dogs and fire hoses on Black people, and tell me how many black WOMEN you see out there, side by side, with black men. How many Black WOMEN refused to ride the Montgomery buses? How many Black WOMEN put up with disrespect from rutting white men? The stories of white men taking sexual advantage of Black women...and encouraging their sons to do the same...is documented.
Having dealt with all this trauma, having loved Black men through all the hardship...and what is our reward? Black men have no more use for us, because we're not what, soft and feminine enough? Because we're assertive? And while I understand a Black man wanting "peace" in his life, let's be real...the behavior of more than a few Black men certainly does not contribute to "peace". In fact, I believe that, unless a Black woman is psychotic, many have legitimate reasons to be pissed off. For one, Black women are TIRED, with a capital T.
I've worked for the same company for over 15 years. One the things I've noticed is when black women...married black women...have babies, they are forced to run back to work after only six week of maternity leave (or 12 if she's had a "C" section). They are exhausted from caring for a newborn and having to work a full time job. Question: WHERE are the husbands, and WHY are they NOT doing their job? And what is their job? To care for their wife and child. Period. Don't get me wrong, I am not an advocate for a sista sitting on her ass all day, while hubby works, but I think EVERY woman should be allowed the necessity...not privilege...of being at home with her baby until it is old enough to attend nursery school...usually about age 2. Then she can get back into the work force. Compare this with white women who have children and who take extended leaves of absence. I have yet to meet a woman in this co. who has NOT taken an extended/indefinite leave of absence, to be home with her children, with the exception of two executives who had the privilege of having live in au pairs care for their children. They do not drag into work exhausted as a result of having been up all night with a baby. Because their husbands take care of them both, until baby is ready for school, and mother is ready to return to work.
It is sad to say, but many married black women don't have it much better than single women with a baby. And that makes no sense to me. What good is a man if he is not able to care for his family the way he should? It is a man's JOB to provide for his wife and baby. How can a man be comfortable with his wife having to trudge to a babysitter with his baby, a few months old? What happened to stretching a dollar? What happened to doing without unnecessary items? Is an extra paycheck more important than the safety and well being of a newborn? Is it not more important that a new mother be able to properly care for, and bond with, her baby? A man does what is necessary to take care of his family, even if it means working two, or three jobs.
I remember being a little girl. My mother did not work outside the home until I was a teenager. And my father took care of both of us. I remember that he worked two jobs in those early years. And yes he was tired. And yes, I had to keep quiet while daddy slept. But the point was, he "manned up" and did what a man is supposed to do...take care of his family. In fact, he was not pleased that my mother wanted to work, but there was no need for her to be at home all day. I was 14, a pretty mature young lady, and able to take over her duties i.e. cooking, etc. But he didn't stand in her way of working. And work she did....and helped him to purchase a home they've had for nearly 40 years.
I think that a situation where a black woman is "nagging" a good black man, or giving him a hard time for no reason is extremely rare. In most cases, when a sista is nagging, there is a good reason behind it. However, nagging doesn't fix things. So it's up to her to sit down and make some serious decisions regarding her marriage.
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