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...in honor of the late great Mitch Hedberg:
"AIDS Tests are scary
So now I get the round about AIDS test
I call my friend Brian
'Brian, do you know anybody whose got AIDS?'
No?
Cool, Cause you know me"
"I had a stick of Carefree gum,
but it didn't work.
I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble,
but as soon as the gum lost its flavor,
I was back to pondering my mortality."
"I got my hair highlighted,
because I felt some strands
were more important than others."
"I'm sick of following my dreams.
I'm just going to ask them where they're going
and hook up with them later."
"Alcoholism is a disease,
but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
'Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic,' or
'Dammit Otto, you have Lupus.'
One of those two doesn't sound right."
"I wrote a script for a guy.
He said he liked it
but he wanted me to rewrite it.
I said 'fuck that. I'll just make a copy'"
"I used to do drugs
I still do
but I used to too"
"I wanna be a racecar passenger.
Just the guy that bugs the driver.
'Hey man, you should slow down.
Can I turn on the radio?
Why we gotta keep goin' in circle?
Man, you must really like Tide.' "
"I would imagine if you understood Morse code,
a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"I tried walking into a Target , but I missed."
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