[dzrose93]

Sandy,

I totally understand your reaction, and I'm sorry that your friend hasn't been upfront with you about her choice of wedding attendants. I think I'm more upset about the girl who sent you the e-mail, though. From reading it, it looks as if she's trying to rub your nose in the fact that she's a bridesmaid and you aren't. That's pretty immature in my book.

If it were me, I'd call the bride, let her know about the e-mail, and ask her why she didn't ever mention her bridal party when you were helping her plan the wedding. (It sounds like there were many opportunities.) However, since you mentioned that Aleathia is a non-confrontational person, keep in mind that it could be that she was worried about upsetting you and, instead of just being honest, chose to ignore the issue altogether. Also, she may not have any idea about Evelyn's e-mail, and may be just as upset as you are to find out about it. I'd definitely tell her about it in order to gauge her reaction.

Side story: When I got married, I really wanted one of my college friends-- I'll call her Jane -- to be a bridesmaid. However, I knew that, if I asked Jane, then I'd have to ask another college friend, too-- I'll call her Wendy. (I'd been in both Jane and Wendy's weddings, and the two of them were close also.) Unfortunately, Wendy and I had a huge argument about a year before my wedding and, although we still stayed in touch, our relationship was not nearly what it once was.

I didn't know what to do. Although I wanted Jane in the wedding, I knew that having her as a bridesmaid but not Wendy would cause problems. In the end, I didn't ask either of the girls to be in the wedding party. Instead, I selected two good "after-college" friends (who I'd met while dating my fiance) and one of my cousins. I figured that, by not asking any of my college friends to be in the wedding, I would avoid hurt feelings. It didn't work. As they say, the best laid plans of mice and men...

Jane and Wendy came to the wedding with their husbands, and I thought things went smoothly. Then, I got back from the honeymoon and found out from my bridesmaids that Wendy had given them dirty looks throughout the reception and, to top it off, both her husband and Jane's had cornered one girl and grilled her about how she knew me, how long we'd been friends, etc.!!! One of the comments Wendy's husband made was, in a very sarcastic tone, "Oh, so you've only known dzrose for a couple of years?" It was very obvious that Wendy had put him up to it, and that he was implying that my friends weren't good enough to be in the wedding party since I hadn't known them as long as I'd known my college friends. It made my bridesmaids very uncomfortable, and I felt terrible about it when I found out.

Anyway, that's me going on a tangent... your story made me think of it, though.

All that being said, my advice is: 1) talk to the bride and get her side;

2) if you come away from the heart-to-heart conversation feeling that Aleathia didn't mean to hurt you, then go to the wedding and be happy that your friend saved you from spending money on a dress and shoes that you'll never wear again;

3a) if you do go to the wedding, be gracious to everyone and kill the other bridesmaids with kindness. Classy, classy, classy.

3b) if you don't go to the wedding, tell Aleathia about your decision -- well before the big day -- and let her know why you don't feel up to making the trip. Honesty is the best policy in this case, especially if you think that you may want to re-connect with her sometime down the road.

Good luck, Sandy! Let me know what happens!