Wedding Ettiquette Help
 

FI and I were invited to a Monday lunch wedding for the daughter of a family friend. Since it is in northern California and we are trying to save our vacation days for our HM, we wont be able to attend but I am a little uncertain how much I should spend on their gift. When FI and I get married I dont have expectations that our guests who do not attend will spend as much as those who do attend but I've never really been in this situation since most of my friends have yet to get married.

Can anyone provide any suggestions?

I think it's all relative to 1. How old you are (are you in debt from college), and 2. How Close you are to the family friend

If you are not too close, my rule of thumb is to get a gift that is about the cost of the reception dinner for myself and a date (regardless if I bring a date). If they are very close, it can go up indefinitely.

How do you know how much the dinner costs?

That "rule" usually applies if you attend the wedding.

I would suggest either going to their registry, where there will be a variety of items at different price points, give them something that they personally might enjoy, or cash. I personally don't do cash if I don't go to the wedding.

I either choose something off the registry (easiest), or in rare cases, find something that I think they would enjoy - think sports tix (you can do cheap seats!); something that they already collect; a gift certificate to a restaurant or a couple's massage, etc. In other words, base in on what their interests are.

Remember, it really IS the thought that matters.

I had planned on sending them something off their registry but the cheapest thing they have is $75 pillowcase covers. Thats the other part thats hard because I would like to get them something more than just pillowcase covers and she didnt really give her guests options in lower price ranges. So I had been considering sending a gift card but I'm just having a hard time deciding on the amount. The bride's parents and my parents are friends and I grew up with her younger sister but because my friend and her sister were not very close and 7 yrs apart I didnt really know her well so our relationship is not very close and I think she only invited me out of courtesy to my parents.

I call the bride and ask her:rolleyes:

Seriously, $50 per person for a nice dinner in a bigger city (alcohol not included) , down to $25 per person for the home-town buffet in the Moose Hall.

ree_xi
$50 - $100 per person in value regardless of if I attend or not. Sometimes I send a check (gift cards seem to be the popular registry gift these days), sometimes I send a gift. It all depends on what I feel is appropriate

How much would you expect (reasonably) for them to spend if they attended your wedding? I'd say balance that with what you can comfortably afford and don't worry about it too much. Either they'll be thrilled you cared enough to send a card even though you couldn't come or they'll be more concerned about the quantity of the gift, in which case they don't deserve it. JMO.

To Benzgirl: The whole dinner rule strikes me as odd because it would never occur to me to consider the cost of a dinner. Some of us have never had to arrange for a reception so we wouldn't know. Essentially aren't you basing your gift on how much money the bride and groom (and/or parents) are blowing on the wedding itself? As if your gift is a replacement for the $ spent for dinner? It just seems weird.

If this is a family friends' daughter and nothing on the registry strikes your fancy (or wallet), I'd suggest a $50 gift card to one of the stores where she's registered.

$50 is a decent, respectable amount, especially if you're still relatively young and saving for your own wedding. Get the gift card, mail it in a nice card, you're all set.

They're having a Monday lunch wedding (a very cheap option!), you don't really keep in touch or have a relationship with them but get an invite anyway, AND the cheapest thing on their registry is $75 pillow? Sounds like gift grabbing.

^^^pillowCASE, yet. I agree, do not sweat this one. Send anything you're comfortable with as a decent gesture and so she can tell her parents (and they'll tell your parents) "oh yes, we did get something from HBADPi, how nice of her!"

I'm so with kddani on this one. I'd probably get a gift card and not sweat it too much. Besides, $75 for a pillowcase cover? When you think of what's happening in Myanmar, that sounds so... greedy.

Question to piggyback on the one being asked:

If you go with the "$50 per person for a nice dinner in a bigger city (alcohol not included)" rule, that is just the wedding gift and not the combined wedding gift + shower gift, correct?

I've read that when deciding what to get the couple, decide what amount to spend and spread it over the 2 or 3 gifts (engagement party, bridal shower, wedding gift, or just the bridal shower & wedding gift if they don't have an engagement party).

Agreed on the cheap Monday lunch wedding option and I'm trying not to take that into consideration when deciding how much to spend. I spoke to my dad last night and he thought out of respect to her parents $50 was too little but I would think my parents would be more concerned about that. Anyway just to keep the peace I think I'll just get a $75 GC to one of the stores their registered at and have them figure it what they want to spend it on.

Honey - if it makes it any better (which it doesnt) it was $75 for a set of pillowcases and I just looked and they are now on sale for $60! ;)

I would say go with a giftcard too. You can't go wrong with a giftcard to where they have registered, because then they can pick up items that they either forgot to register for (but want) or items that didn't get bought. My brother and his wife got tons of giftcards (which they wanted) (don't get me wrong they got other stuff but they registerd at like Target, so there was a wide variety of pricing).

BTW how is your wedding planning going?

Yeah I think giftcard will be the final gift.

Wedding planning is going alright, less than 4 months to go and I'm ready for the big day to get here so I can celebrate and then go on my honeymoon!