Sympathy card etiquette?
 

The husband of a very involved member of my local alumnae association passed away recently after a long illness. I wasn't able to get to the funeral, but would like to show sympathy from our alum group (of which I am president). In lieu of flowers, the family has asked donations be made to one of three different charities, so I'm planning on a small donation to one of those.

Do I need to mention so in the card? Do I send the card directly to her house? What exactly *do* I write in the card? Is it strange I'm sending it on behalf of our alum group? I'm not even 30 yet, so I don't have the most experience having to send sympathy cards.

I'd like to know how this should be dealt with as well,
one of our alumni lost her newborn a few weeks ago, and I'd like to send a card... and I asked the active sisters to do so as well, but i'm not sure what I should say.

I might consult my etiquette guide when I get home

http://www.thefuneraldirectory.com/card_howto.html

http://www.comfortandgrace.com/how-to-write-a-sympathy-card.cfm

http://www.sympathy-card-etiquette.com/etiquette.htm

If you send a donation to the charity in his memory, they'll ask who it's coming from. The family of the deceased will get a list from the charity of who donated.

Do not mention your donation in the sympathy card. Send the card directly to her house. You can address it to her, or to "Alum's Husband Family" at her address. It is not strange that you're sending it on behalf of the alum association at all. My chapter sisters got together & got flowers for my mom and just put on it "Alpha Sigma Alpha Sisters and Alumnae." As a rule, the simplest cards are the best. Unless you know someone well, I would caution against a personally written note (as opposed to a sympathy card).

I asked another coworker who is in an NPC org (and in her 50s) her thoughts as well and she thought it might be nice to send a donation to our foundation instead, since the member was so involved.

I was thinking or writing in the card something like:
I was sorry to hear of your husband's passing. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
ISUKappa CR Alumnae Association.

Too much? Our alum group is small, and I did know the member fairly well. Our group is also mostly older members, some of whom have lost their husbands, so I think they could be of help once some time has passed. I know our group has been a big comfort to those women and hope in time it will be for this member as well.

Send a donation to one of the charities the family specified. If you want to additionally send a donation to the foundation during your annual giving campaign in his memory, that's your prerogative. But to be blunt...it's about what the deceased wanted done, not about the groups his relatives were in. If it was a long illness he had a lot of time to think about where he wanted $$ to go and if he wanted his wife's sorority to be one of the things, he would have said so.

What you are writing on the card is fine.

I agree with the above, follow the "in lieu of" directions, but a separate donation to the Foundation would also be a great, personal touch. The group can send another note following that donation to let your sister know about the donation in her husband's name, if the Foundation doesn't already send something recognizing it (check with your Foundation first).

And the only change I'd suggest to what you plan to write on the card is starting with "We", if you're sending it on behalf of the club.

Thank you for your input. I think I will send small donations to both one of the charities they specified and to our Foundation, specifically the Rose McGill fund which helps Kappas in need. Her husband was a doctor, so I think it would be fitting and I think the member would appreciate it.

ISU-

You are being very thoughtful. One minor suggestion that I have in regards to your wording: often people will write "please let us know if we can do anything to help." The thing is, many families are afraid to actually ask for help, even when it is desparately needed.

Is there something specific that you could offer? I recognize this would be easier in the case of a closer friend. I have had three very close friends lose their mothers (very young) to cancer. All three friends were most appreciative of the people who said things such as:

1. I/We would love to bring a meal. Would next Saturday be a day that is good for your family?
2. I will be going to Target/grocery store this afternoon. Is there something that I can pick up for you while I am there?
3. In the case of someone that you are close to, offers to help with laundry, house cleaning, etc are also very appreciated. Offers of childcare while the family writes acknowlegments are also appreciated.

Again, some of the above are going to be specific to certain situations/families, but these are designed to help you get ideas rolling. You can also file them away for future needs too. All three of my friends lost their mothers while we were in our 20s.

That would be perfect.

I think that note is perfect other than the change to "We were...". I'd call her in a week or so to see if there is anything else you can do.

I, too, like the "We" version.

I send at least one sympathy card every two weeks, and I do my best not to get into a pattern. There are, though, a couple things I try to say:
-I try to say, "Please accept my (our) sympathy." Many bereaved people are okay on the outside but have some intense anger on the inside. (Why did he leave me NOW? How am I going to get through this?) The phrase I mentioned allows the family to scream, "NO! I don't accept it because I don't believe it happened yet!" And yes, I have had a widow say that directly to me at a memorial service. Talk about awkward situations!

-It's okay to mention that a donation was made, just not the amount. That way, if they don't receive a card, you can look into it.

-I try to use a regular (but very nice) notecard, not a sympathy card, if I really know the family well. When a friend of mine from school died, I sent a card to his mother, and mentioned that (her son's name) will always be the popular guy in school with the guitar constantly at his side. I did not tell her that he was also my first kiss - that would have been too tacky. BTW, I once read what Calvin Coolidge wrote to a friend whose son had died, and it was something like, "Together, our sons will forever be boys in paradise" or something like that. It was quoted in a book on superb sympathy notes.

-Even if several months have gone by, still send that card, especially if you just heard about the death. My daddy's been gone for almost six years, and I promise you, I can tell you exactly who came to the viewing, the funeral, or sent a card!

And as others have said, follow up. Ask her how she's doing, or if she'd like to go to a movie or something. Sadly, widowers get asked everywhere, while widows are put out to pasture. Sisterhood will mean everything to your sister now!

I recently read an article by Katie Couric where she talks about reading all the sympathy letters she was sent 10 years ago when her husband died. Since she and her late husband are/were public figures she received many she didn't read at the time, or couldn't because of the grief. She stated reading them now, the ones she cherished the most and will be sharing with her daughters are the ones which told a story about her husband and the sender's friendship (we were friends in college and I remember this one time...blah blah blah) While not necessarily appropriate for a card coming from a chapter, perhaps that would be something you could write if you knew the family/him very well. I've decided thats what I'm going to do in the future. Send the sympathy and write a favorite memory I shared with the deceased.