GDI advice...
 

Hey, so umm. Okay. Here goes. My boyfriend is a pledge at Alpha Sigma Phi and , greek week is next week etc etc.

I'm really new to this whole environment, and so far from the people that I've met in his house, I'm not fond of them. They grope, and drug, and take advantage of, and treat women like they're nothing.

I grew up with reformed "hippie" parents, quite literally, and this whole conformity thing is something that I'm not very good at. I love John (my boyfriend) with all my heart, and I understand and respect that Sig will take up a lot of his time. But it does feel like he chooses his house over me.

Do you have any advice as to how to better deal with this? I don't want to lose him, but I don't like being put on the back burner either.

It is up to your boyfriend to 1.) insist that his brothers treat you (and all women) with respect and 2.) manage his time to both pledge and have a relationship with you. This is not about conformity - it's about maturity and time management. Good luck.

If he really loves you and is mature enough to handle it all, you won't be put on the backburner for too long. He will become a member, hang out with his brothers, and learn how to balance it all in the process.

I'm more interested in the asswipes that are in that chapter. Just know that you don't have to bite your tongue when it comes to keeping your boyfriend's antics in check. He might think he's being "a man" or being a "fraternity guy" when he does some of the things he might do to fit in. Just let him know it's not unacceptable. Period. If his fraternity brothers act up in your presence let your boyfriend know that he needs to check them--or YOU will check them the next time it happens. Whatever's whatever.

Make sure that you are not subconsciously giving off the attitude of "frats are stupid horrible conformist people." If you are, more than likely people will ramp up their behavior just to irk you.

Forget about the fact that they wear Greek letter sweatshirts and get to know them as PEOPLE.

What about the OP's post could you possibly have had trouble reading and comprehending?

isheshx, SWTXBelle is right. It's not about conformity. In addition to the maturity and time management, it's about respect. You have every right to expect your boyfriend's brothers to treat you with respect, and to expect him to see that they do. At the same time, you don't need to conform to any standard for them, but you do need to respect them. Like 33girl says, they will be more likely to respect you if they see that you respect them.

i hate to say it, but the people your boy hangs out with are a direct reflection of himself. (as goes for everyone else).

my main college guy did the same exact thing... though for me it wasn't a change in environment b/c at the time i was part of a local. he decides his last year to join a fraternity, and while they seemed like good guys for the most part on the outside, they were the same exact way you are describing (minus the drugs part).... you would have thought being a senior he would have been mature enough to evade it, but even after we moved 500 miles away, that behavior began to come though in him..... needless to say, we are no longer together.

some guys just want to fit in and they will do so with whoever will accept them. maybe that's who he really was and it didn't come through until his whole fraternity experience? i don't know, but he was definitely not the same sweet quiet guy i knew before.

and that's not to say all greek guys are like that, because i have definitely met great greek guys & groups as a whole...but every once in awhile, you get your 'lemons'.

I guess I'm not seeing where in the post he is putting this girl on the back burner... by participating in greek week?

I think that it is totally reasonable to periodically have a hobby that takes up more time than your relationship. Ebbing and flowing is natural. I think too many undergrads have the idea that being in a relationship means you spend 100% of your free time with that person. [To the OP:] It will be better for you as an individual and your relationship if you think of something else that gives you satisfaction and focus on that while your bf is busy. If it is meant to be, you'll be there for each other when each of your schedules settle down and will appreciate your time together that much more.

As far as not liking the attitude of his friends, keep an open mind for a certain period of time. A lot of times a bunch of decent (but younger) guys get together and think that the way to be cool with each other is to act like chauvanists. Most of them grow out of it but some of them [the ones that come on message boards to brag about their frattiness] don't.

I agree with 33girl and think you should ask yourself if you aren't willing the inappropriate behavior out of them because you expect it from guys who wear letters. There are many non-conformist fraternity guys out there, probably including your boyfriend. I think you should make a concerted effort to get to know them unless or until they give you specific and unambiguous indications that they disrespect you. At that point, you can either try to salvage a relationship and put up with their shenanigans or move on to somewhere (and someone) else where you'll fit in better.

if he starts up some "Bros before Hoes" BS.....please run.....seriously

not only that, but i read a post earlier in this thread and just want to say that if he and his brothers aren't already treating you with respect then they are not worth his time pledging them but if he is and is disrespectful to you then you are wasting your time with him.

find a gentelman who is brother's with gentlemen.

We're good now. Thanks.

Good.

Word of advice: When you open your life up for thread discussions, the threads won't always end when you provide closure. ;)