Need Advice- Awkward Smoking Situation
 

Here's the deal....our neighbors just moved in a couple of months ago. Nice people, lots of issues. They have a daughter, "Marsha," who has become BFFs with my daughter, "Cindy." The girls are both in elementary school.

Marsha is truly the first friend that Cindy has ever had besides being friends with the kids of my friends- and the only friend that she doesn't fight with after 15 minutes of playing together (Why do kids think play= run around the house screaming and chasing???? but that's a separate topic!). Their friendship is really good for both of them.

Cindy is not allowed to go to Marsha's house for a number of reasons (our rule), but Marsha has always been welcomed at ours. We take her to church with us, out to eat, and the girls just play a lot at our house. On the weekend she's with us pretty much 24/7 which is fine.

I am friendly with Marsha's mother but she is kind of strange to talk to...I always wonder if she's SUPER nervous, on tons of caffeine (overly- stimulated), or on drugs or what.

So anyway, here's the awkward situation..... Marsha smells like smoke so badly when she comes over now. When she first moved in, it was in the summer and she played outside a lot and her parents smoked outside a lot. Now that it's colder, everyone has moved indoors and the poor child REEKS of smoke. She says she doesn't have a lot of friends at school and I'm pretty sure it's because nobody can breathe around her. When we go pick her up, I stand on the porch, and the second the door opens I start gagging b/c of the horrible smoke smell coming from the house.

Yesterday Marsha came over and I was gagging so badly I had to send her home after about 15 minutes (luckily it was around dinner so I used that as an excuse).

So what should I do? Marsha and Cindy really benefit from being friends. I think people who smoke that much do not realize their stench. It is not Marsha's fault. I hate to think of all of the 2nd hand smoke Marsha and her brothers are breathing. It is disgusting. I can't have her over when she smells so bad. Has anybody else run into a similar situation and how did you solve it? Should I talk to the mom? It's not like she'll say, "Oh, WLFEO thinks I should stop smoking indoors so I will! That WLFEO is so clever. Why didn't I ever think of that?"

Thanks for any advice you have!

You could try going to a consignment shop or goodwill or something and buy some inexpensive clothes for the girls to play dress-up with. (Are they still young enough that they'd do that?) Since most of the smoke smell is on her clothes, you could avoid a lot of it by just getting her out of them (and into something else, obviously). You might could even ask Marsha's mom if you could keep a couple of changes of clothes at your house in case Marsha gets really dirty or wet or something. Or, again, you could just grab a few clothes her size from goodwill (or better yet, if they're the same size, Marsha could wear Cindy's clothes).

Let us know what you decide to do - this is a tough situation.

Good luck!

ETA: Buy some Febreeze to spray on Marsha's clothes while she's out of them... or find a creative way to just spray Marsha herself (clothes and all) with the stuff.

wow that's a tough situation.

i say send Marsha home with a bottle of Febreeze and hope her mom gets the 'drift' ..

ok, so I'm really joking. I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation :(

It's bad that there is so much second-hand smoke in that house that all of their clothes smell like it.... and even worse that the adults in the household don't care that their children breathe that in.

It's really a huge issue for Cindy as well...I've read articles about 3rd hand smoke (like what Marsha carries around on her clothing) being harmful for the health as well. I like the idea of having some clothes for her to change into.

I really wish there were more laws protecting children from this. If you want to ruin your own health, fine, but don't do that to your kids. South Carolina actually has a law that you can't smoke in a car with a child younger than 8 in it, and I think that's excellent.

Maybe you could mention something to the mom that your husband or someone else in the family has asthma or a really sensitive nose, and that you love having Marsha over to play but you've noticed that now that it is colder outside she's smelling like smoke. You're concerned that your husband (or imaginary asthma person) would have a negative reaction, and you were wondering if as a smoker she had any suggestions or ideas for how to keep the smell off of Marsha. If she says she doesn't, then ask if it would be okay if Marsha wore "special clothes" to play at your house so the smoke was less of an issue and then you could Febreze her other clothes.

Her teacher or someone should really be saying something to the mom about the smoke smell.

That was my exact thought. How close are you and your husband to Marsha's parents? If you're not very close with them and they've been smoking for a long time, they might be offended by you approaching them and (if they're sensitive enough) might not let Marsha come over to play any more, which isn't what you want. Do the two girls go to the same school? If they do, your best bet would be to ask the teacher to say something to the parents and be as neutral as possible about this.

This was my thought, too. I would tell the mother that someone in the family is allergic to the smoke smell and had a reaction last time Marsha was over.

Chances are, the parents would get offended if the teacher were to say something as well. It's not the teacher's job to settle other people's social problems. If the parents are possibly on drugs, chances are the teacher has a lot more to worry about than smoky clothes.

ETA: I don't mean to sound harsh, but if someone contacted me to handle a problem they had with another parent outside of school, I wouldn't be too receptive. If it's a problem at school, the teacher will handle it.

I think she was referring to this part of the post:


If a child reeks so bad at school no one can stand to be around them (be it smoke or body odor or whatever), I think the teacher has a right to say something to the parents...or at least send a note home.

Of course, which is why I said this ;):

Thanks for the good ideas. I like the idea of having a change of clothes handy (although I think her hair and pores are pretty saturated- but that might make it tolerable) and I could think of a way to pull off the Febreeze spray-down.

My son actually does have breathing problems- he had RSV as a baby and every winter he ends up on breathing treatments again. So I might work that into the convo if I get up enough nerve to talk to her mom.

They don't go to the same school- my daughter is in private school and Marsha goes to the public school, so the teacher idea is out.

And good point about the 3rd hand smoke, AlphaFrog.

Thanks guys. Keep the suggestions coming if you have more.