How do you trust someone?
 

I met this guy on plentyoffish.com. He was awesome and we really clicked. He kept insisting that I come over and meet him alone instead of in public. So after a few days going back and forth, he got weirder. He told me we wouldn't meet because I wouldn't do it his way. A friend and I were driving around and happened to be by his house and he got mad that I tried to stop by with her (which I didn't) and told me to never do that again. I decided to do a little stalking and got his zip code and looked him up on the sex offender list. Yep. There he was. For statutory rape... but still it explains his behavior.

Does anyone else do this kind of stuff when meeting someone new?

What kind of stuff?

Investigative stuff. Some would call it "stalking". But with something like this I see it as playing it safe.

Googling someone (or zabasearching, or looking into your state's public records) is NOT stalking. Driving by someone's house is NOT stalking.

Now purchasing the records of a person through Intelius, or showing up at places the person frequents (like a gym or a bank), or worse- places that the person does NOT go to on a scheduled basis (like the movies or the mall), could be stalking indeed.

When I read your posts in this forum, I think of those pamphlets they have in the University Health Center.

A few things:

1) that is scary as hell. I would never ever meet a guy I didn't know at his house alone.

2) I think it would actually take me a long time for me to be comfortable with him alone... i'm talking group dates, outings etc. until I feel safe. I am very scared for my personal safety and don't know this person.

3) I do not think that looking up a person's criminal record is stalking. That's being proactive. Personally, I would venture to say I would likely do it on any random guy I met. I would be more than happy if a guy wanted to look up my criminal record, because I have nothing to hide.

4) It's stories like this that keep me single... haha.

That's pretty creepy. Stay far away from this guy.

It's always best, if you're meeting someone you don't really know, to do so in a public place. Going to their house alone is just asking for trouble. An email exchange tells you nothing. "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."

It's not wrong or stalkerish to do a little googling or look up someone on the sex offender list.

Someone I dated 5 years ago wanted for the SECOND date to come to my apartment to watch a movie. I told him I did not feel comfortable at that stage with his coming to my place. I do not know if he may have thought I had roommates (I lived alone- and still do though in a different city and with multiple pets). But I find it kind of unusual as to why would he want such a specific plan at that point. If he wanted to have sex with me (unlikely, since he was very Christian and we did not even kiss on the first date), that could take place at a hotel room (not that I was going to let it happen anyway). So I am wondering if he just wanted to see what kind of housekeeper and possibly cook I was. At that point in life I was not in the settling down mode he was- and he did marry someone else about a year and a half later.

I personally do not meet people off of the internet, but whatever floats your boat.

I bolded the above for a reason.....leave him the hell alone!! If you can not meet him on public or bring friends around you should be afraid!!

Honestly, if I saw that a guy was on the sex offender list, I would not have to start a thread wondering if I could trust him. Stay away. There are plenty of guys out there. You don't need to get involved with a sex offender.

Well statutory could mean that he was 18 and she was 14. Think Seniors in high school dating freshmen.

So it really depends. Originally, sex offender laws were not meant to cover people like that . . but they do.

This one guy got sentenced to 8 years in prison for having a girlfriend that was 4 years and 10 days younger than him . . senior and freshman again. It was the ten days that did him in.

The thing about how he insisted on meeting alone instead of in public (and made you come to him) as well as the part where he got mad because you wouldn't do things his way raised red flags for me even before I read that you found out he was on the sex offender list. Several years ago I briefly dated a gentleman who acted very similarly and he ended up being emotionally manipulative which escalated into nearly physical violence (I say 'nearly physical' because I at least had the sense to get out--quick!), so every time I hear friends say things like that about new guys they're seeing, I tell them to be careful. And just as an aside, this particular gentleman was accused of raping a girl at college.

I'm sort of wary about meeting people online, but I know plenty of people who have done it and they've met really cool people that way. I guess it's sort of like meeting people in bars (except you can't actually see them)...it seems kind of skeezy because there are probably plenty of shady people, but also some nice folks, too.

And no, PM_Mama, I don't think what you did was weird. I think it was being smart. You never know.

I wasn't asking how I trust him.... just how do you trust people at all. Any new person you, without having some kind of connection to them, could be anyone. So how to you try to trust people you JUST met?


I have a friend from high school like this. They were I think 3 or 4 years apart and her parents found out they had sex and charged him with statutory. He did quite a long time and it was all over our neighborhood news.

ETA: I asked the website what their policy on sex offenders are and they said they remove their profiles immediately, so obviously I reported him. So he doesn't find out it was me, I'm playing how to lose a guy in 10 minutes with him. I'm gona pretend to be the psycho.

I think Auchtungbaby is right about red flags other than the stautory situation.

Not wanting to meet in public is an odd guy. As a male I would want to meet a girl I had no previously established relationship with in public, easier to escape that way.

I mean if you had been talking to this guy forever, I can see that you might be more willing to meet up with him in private, but still, once you suggested a public venue he should have fallen right in line.

Plus he got mad about it. Why would he get mad? You weren't rejecting him. Would he have gotten mad if you suggested a diferent movie? Or different restaraunt? Same type of thing in my mind.

I'm glad you picked up on the red flags before meeting this guy. Stick to your rules and if you ever have any doubts, then don't meet him.

You should come over sometime this summer and meet my next door neighbor's son.. mechanical engineer, Italian, cute (in a "boy next door" kinda way) nice guy (mows my lawn sometimes and helps me with household emergencies sometimes), and I think a year or two older than you!