Black Women's Self Esteem
 

Sorors, Sisterfriends, & Brothers,

I was thinking about something that has been bothering me lately. The Black Woman's Self Esteem! I know that all of us have some women we know that has low self esteem. Maybe even you have it.

What do you think is the cause of this growing epidemic among women of color? Low self esteem cause many women to sometimes do stupid things in their lives, and it hinders happiness. I would like to hear some opinions on this, if you have the time.

ZetaAce

Well, I believe that the self-esteem thing starts at home...I speak from experience, my self-esteem having been chipped at by the worst possible person...my mother. So I had issues for a long time. Now I am a mother and I am driven to make sure I dont treat my daughter the way my mother treated me. I have since forgiven my mother for things in the past because I realize that she must not have been very happy with herself to act towards me the way she did. I still love an respect her for having me, because if she hadn't , i wouldnt have been able to experience all of the best things that have happened to me in my 25 years.

I feel I still have a long way to go, but the person I am today is a DRASTIC improvement of how I was a few years ago. I think my homie ZetaACE can vouche for that!

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I look DAMN good in red, but I prefer BLUE...Z-PHI!

I feel that some of our low self esteem levels can be attributed to television and the like especially the make-up and hair advertisements. Although now, I think some companies are appealing more to us, they did not always do so. For a long time, make-up and hair product companies always had non-black models to advertise their products as if they were somehow saying that black women were not beautiful enough to model their products.

Well I didn't add my views when I started the topic, so I am going to go ahead and do so now.

I think a lot of our self esteem issues can be attributed to hurting families. Issues with our parents is one of the factors that can hurt a young womans image of herself.

I also think that we as black people tend to keep damaging people in our lives. Men who don't treat us right, friends who we keep giving chances to, even after they have hurt us too many times. These people hurt us when we keep letting them abuse us mentally.

Societal images play a part too. We're brought up from when we are little that a certain body image or way of dress is the way to be (think about Barbie, or the images of women on TV). We aren't taught to love the curve of our hips, the fullness of our lips or the testure of our hair! And that's a shame!

Now as far as changing that, I think that we need to start loving ourselves, and building nurturing relationships with those around us. Stop letting people who are detrimental rmain in our lives, and start caring for ourselves, completely!

ZetaAce

I agree with much that has been said. It really does start at home. When your mother and grandmother and cousins and aunties are very confident and comfortable with who they are (warts and all), it is much easier to also appreciate the same in yourself.

I have noticed that women are not as confident about our "place" in this society, so it leads us to do things we would not have done before. We're told to be either "superwoman" or "hoes" (be down for whateva) or "stay at home moms" or career-focued"...the list goes on. Is it any wonder that women are now involved in many self-destructive behaviors?

One solution? Women to women mentoring...I mentor a 17-year old girl, and while I'm not perfect, I know I have learned some things between 17 and now, and try and impart them to my mentoree. I also have mentors that I continually learn from--older women whose opinions I value. If you can start a "Girls Rites of Passage" program in your church or community group, do it!

Just my $19.20.

When mom and/or dad never tells you that you are beautiful, never compliments you on your looks or personality, never tells you that you are smart and can do anything you set your mind to, or never encourages you to be anything you want in life, the problem begins.

These young girls will grow up seeking love and admiration from anyone (always the wrong person)and will end up doing something stupid and unbecoming. I speak from experience. It wasn't until recently that my mom told me that I was smart and beautiful. I asked her why she's never mentioned it before and her reply was, "I just didn't feel comfortable speaking to you in that way."

I believe that we need to encourage our young girls, tell them that their smart and beautiful. We need to stop fearing being corny or melodramatic. I am constantly telling my son that he is handsome and intelligent and "I know you can do it!" out of the fear that, otherwise, he will grow to be one of the many men in my family who are slackers (for lack of a better word).

--Shelacious--
I would love more information about the Girls Rites of Passage. I am the youth and young adult director at my church and I think this would be perfect for my girls!

Peace & Blessings

I truly believe that when women (or anyone for that matter)have low self-esteem, it is because they were never taught or conditioned to think much of themselves.
My parents have always encouraged me, coached me, educated me and basically...molded me and they also criticized me. But, when they criticized me, it was constructive and always presented well. When I see parents yelling at their children in the street and worst of all cursing at them...calling them everything but a child of God, it sickens me. My parents never cursed at me and, of course, I got yelled at; but, never in the street (Mommy waited until we got home http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
So,when you treat a child like they are nothing, then they grow up to act like nothing and think nothing of themselves.

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SapphireSensation
RoyalBlueDivaDivine
The Epitome of Finerwomanhood

[This message has been edited by SapphireSensation (edited August 09, 2000).]

I whole-heartedly agree. As amother I am constantly finding myself telling my son how proud I am of him when he does a good job and that i love him. I actually call him handsome as a nickname wich his father hates, but my point is that you instill these kind of things into your children. I can remeber the first day thgat my son just came up to me and told me "I love you" for no reason and not because i said it first.

I know i'm taliking about a boy and this topic is for girls, but I think what I am saying is universal. Besides I also think we must teach our males to respect our women if we want them to feel better about themselves.

We must tell our children and the youth aorund us how important they are and teach them to strive for eveything that is within there reach and if they can't reach it now then keep stretching because it's on the way.

There might not be alot we can do to changfe this genaration of women, but I'll be damned if we sit back and teach the next generation anything but that they are the future kings and queens

Self esteem is originally built at home: how you perceive the way you're treated in comparison to your siblings. Then it is positively or negatively reinforced by your peer relationships, and events that ocur in your life. Many women do something early in their lives that they are ashamed about, and never let go of the guilt. This guilt, and the fear of it being discovered, becomes ingrained in their own self perception; thus a low self esteem. Subsequent negative experiences reinforces this low self esteem; especially if the experience resembles in any way, the event that originally caused the shame.

Think about it.

Wow, what a great topic and one that hits so close to the heart for me for I have had self-esteem problems for the longest time. And the worst part of it is, the more I recognize the problems in myself, the worse I feel about them. what a circle!

I can't say the cause of the way I feel, because I'm not sure what it is, and I doubt it's just one cause anyway. My mother, like Wynna's, just recently told me she I was pretty and she was proud of me, because she could see how I was feeling. But I don't know if I can put this one on my mother . . . My entire personality was built around academics. It was all I felt I could do properly, so when a HUGE academic failure came (i'm still too embarassed to talk about it), it was like I lost all of who I am. And weaknesses that were already in me just, well, plummetted (sp?) to to their depths.

I have started the process of getting better, but it seems like an awfully long one, so long I can't see the end of it. I stopped pressing my hair and learned to appreciate its natural beauty and the beauty of my body as a whole. Most importantly, I try not to talk about what I think is wrong with me all the time. Talking about it doesn't make it any better and people get tired of listening to it. So I was really feeling Erica Badu's song telling the bag ladies to let it go because that was me. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/frown.gif

Well, anyway, just thought I'd ramble a little. I can't believe I just told this to a public forum . . .

[This message has been edited by mwedzi (edited August 21, 2000).]

Thanks for sharing your story mwedsi! It will certainly help us who are facing similar challenges. You should be proud of the fact that you realize some of the issues and are being pro-active to change them. There are many of us who never even get to this point http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/frown.gif.

All of us are plauged by esteem issues to one point or another. When I feel myself falling into that abyss, I think of two things...one is a gospel song called "Be Grateful", that talks about in part "...there is somebody else who's worse off than you," which is extremely sobering and accurate. Secondly, I think about what I'd like people to think about me when I leave this earth...and I realize that while my career is very important to me, I don't want that as my epitath. I want people to say I'm a caring person, with a desire to help others...that I love life and having genuine fun. That I was honest and fair...these are things that I can control and I work on in my personal life...everything else that goes my way? Just gravvy http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif.
-shela

Interesting topic...interesting direction in terms of our reflection on self.
I just finished an exhausting week of evaluating proposals for competitive grants given by the U.S.Dept of Education and the National Endowment for the Arts.

The focus of the grant addressed media literacy in school systems with respect to decoding messages focused specifically on violence.

After, reading over a dozen proposals 40-60 pages in length, it is very clear the issue of self worth amongst people of color is problematic amongst young children too. Some of the solutions proposed encouraged greater interaction between family, the arts community and children. Learning how to dissect these images are paramount in creating healthy self images.

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Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated...Every Finer Woman's Dream!

GREETINGS EVERYONE,
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO MAKE A SMALL COMMENT. I HAVE A VERY DEAR FRIEND WHO HAS A SELF-ESTEEM PROBLEM. FROM EVERYTHING THAT SHE HAS TOLD ME, I THINK IT STEMS FROM HER FAMILY LIFE. ALL OF HER LIFE SHE WAS OVERWEIGHT AND HAD A DARKER SKIN TONE THAN HER BROTHERS AND SISTERS. THEY ALWAYS CALLED HER NAMES SUCH AS FAT AND BURNT BLACK. I HAVE TO FAULT THE PARENTS FOR THAT BECAUSE I KNOW MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE NEVER TOLERATED MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS TALKING BAD TO ONE ANOTHER. ANYWAY, SHE HAS NOW LOST 100 LBS. IN THE LAST 2 YEARS. SHE LOOKS GOOD AND NOW EVERYBODY WANTS TO GET AT HER. SHE FALLS FOR THE FIRST MAN THAT SAYS HELLO TO HER AND SHE IS CONSTANTLY GETTING HURT FROM THESE MEN. I THINK SHE IS LOOKING FOR THE LOVE SHE DID NOT RECEIVE AS A CHILD IN THE MEN THAT SHE DEALS WITH. I HAVE SUGGESTED THAT SHE SEEK COUNSELING BECAUSE IT IS A CONTINUOUS CYCLE AS WELL AS BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.


[This message has been edited by ridiculous2000 (edited September 24, 2000).]

Hopefully with a few more years under her belt she will be able to be more reflective of her decision making process in the "man" department. Sometimes we just make plain dumb moves in our youth.

Tell you friend she is a QUEEN and she should only allow the kind of men in her life that will give her royal treatment. If she listens, she will be amazed at the difference in the change in her self esteeem.



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Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated...Every Finer Woman's Dream!

I must echo what everyone else has said about self-esteem starting at home. But, I must also say that even if it doesn't start at home, you can still have self-esteem. Love of self starts from within.
Growing up, I was told that I was too skinny among other things and I let that color how I saw myself for a long time. Then one day in high school, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was beautiful no matter how others perceived me. I also realized that a lot of the negative comments which came from "friends" and family came from jealousy. Once I realized this, couldn't a soul hold me back!
And look at the Finer Woman that I have become :-)

Love and confidence in self are the back bones of self-esteem. If you don't have these things, then you will not have self-esteem. If you do not have self esteem then it will show in everything thing you do and in the relationships you have with others.


ZZZZZ PHIII !!!!!

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The Epitome of Beauty, Style, and Grace, Always Exemplifying Good Taste, A Zeta Woman, A Finer Woman, That's Me!