Greek life interfering with relationships
 

I'm currently an interest/prospect for a sorority at my school. I know that I will soon be beginning my educational process and I'm worried about it affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. He has made it very clear that he does not like the greek system and that he does not approve of me pledging/joining a sorority. I have tried several times to discuss it with him and reach some sort of compromise and he usually shrugs it off. He's not threatening to break up or anything but he's not exactly being supportive either. I know that in these following months my time with him will be limited and I'm worried because I know he might be resentful. He doesn't understand my reasons for wanting to join a greek organization and he doesn't understand the purpose for a pledging process. I've tried to explain it to him but he gets insulted and doesn't understand that I am limited to the information that I can share with him because we've never kept anything from each other before.
I need advice on how I can maintain a good relationship with him and how I can get him to be more accepting of my decision. I've been with this guy for a long time and I love him...I don't want this to tear us apart. I would appreciate any advice that you guys have. Thanks.

Oh, boy! I guess this situation is timeless! When I was on line, My boyfriend gave me a similar song and dance. The ironic thing about our situation was that he was a neo himself! What it really comes down to is this...If he loves you, he should respect and accept the aspects and decisions of your life that make you happy. I do not know what organization you are pledging, nor what their process is like, but don't let him get you 'caught up' in a bad situation of trying to manage the two during the process! That usually does not work. He should be proud of your accomplishment, and learn to compromise with what really makes you happy! That is more important. Out of respect for him, I would suggest that you let him know that your new sorors will be a permanent but postive addition to your life, but that will not make you love him any less.
Good Luck!

How would your boyfriend feel if you wanted to join an organization on campus that wasn't a sorority, like Astronomy Club, or Spanish Club, something like that? Is he against sororities per se, or does he feel sort of threatened that you are trying to "forge out" on your own and create your own friends and experiences. If he is against you expanding your horizons and making new friends, then he is trying to control you. If he is only against sororities, please keep trying to educate him about what they're all about. If he refuses to listen or even hear what you have to say, then you need to listen to your heart. In the end, what is most important is YOUR HAPPINESS, not the sororities' happiness, not HIS HAPPINESS. YOUR HAPPINESS. If you still decide to pursue sororitiy membership (and I hope that you do), I think you have to tell him, "I want to go Greek, like it or lump it."

Very wise Deltalum, very wise

Dear Soon-to-Be,

First, what you are going through may or may not have anything to do with your desire to join a sorority.

I'm making an assumption from your post that you are about to start college. That's a big life crisis -- a time of stress not unlike getting married, starting a new job, buying a house, losing a loved one, etc. (Psychologists tell us that a crisis can be a good or bad thing, and isn't necessarily to be construed as bad in this context.) You will shortly be going through a lot of changes that you can't even imagine at this point. It's a very exciting time.

From the perspective of a parent who has seen a lot of young ladies, including two daughters, go through this age, let me make a couple of comments -- for whatever they're worth...

First, because of all of the differences you both are about to experience, your relationship may or may not last. There are lots of new friends to meet and things to do. It's a time of great change. It can be unfortunate, but it is a fact.

Thinking back to my transition to college -- my relationship at that time didn't meet the challenge. That's hard at that moment, but generally ends up being for the best. I dated quite a bit in late High School and college, and ended up meeting my wife of the past thirty years in a college class. (By the way, one of my serious girl friends from the time when I met my wife is still a very good friend)

One thing is certain -- and this is for you and your boyfriend -- IF you both want your relationship to last, you can't invent problems. If he wants to stay with you, he must give you a little space to figure things out on your own.

One of our daughters dated a young man throughout her junior and senior years of high school -- but the relationship did not last through her Freshman year of college. She is NOT Greek, incidentally. Just new friends and challanges. People can grow apart. The Greek system has nothing to do with that.

In post college life, a close friend was very interested in Theatre, but her husband wasn't and gave her such a hard way to go about the time she spent in Shows, etc. that they are now in the process of a divorce.

The message here is that relationships are a two way street. Both parties have feelings, priorities and constantly changing horizons.

It is understandable that your boyfriend is nervous about you pledging. He's heard all the stuff about Greek life and parties and fraternity men, etc. What he must realize is that by giving you a hard way to go, he's simply making a time of transition much harder than it needs to be. And he should relize that he's potentially playing with fire.

IF your relationship is to succeed, you must both be happy for the new things that are happening to you both.

If you can't do that, you may be better off separating now.

I've got to learn to write shorter posts. Sorry. I think I'll hide my soapbox.

Best of luck to both of you.

DeltAlum

Thanks Emily. Not particularly wise -- just have a good memory and life's experiences.

Always liked Fuzzies.

DeltAlum

Thank you everyone for the replies. (Delta-I'm actually a second year student and my boyfriend and I met here at school.)
It's not that he doesn't want me to be involved...he just doesn't want me involved in the Greek system. I guess he's just worried about the stigma that comes along with wearing the letters. The particular organization that I'm interested in is extremely respected on my campus (by the students as well as the administration) but they're also known for being REALLY close and for dedicating the majority of their time to their organization. I think my boyfriend is worried that I'm going to put him second to them and, because I'm going to be so busy while I'm pledging, I don't know if I'll be able to convince him otherwise.

Soon to be, trust me...you can't convimce him, but if he truly cares, he will come around. I am a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., and when I first pledged, I was in a similar situation. My boyfriend ultimately accepted my decision because his concerns were put at ease for primarily 2 reasons. 1. He realized that my affiliation with Delta did not change the way I felt about or treated him, and 2. He developed life-long friendships with some of my sorors that last to this day! ( I pledged nearly 10 years ago.) Those 2 aspects of my life mixed very well, and soon his apprehension was gone. I joined Delta at a school where the sorors were so close that people on campus used to say that there was only 1 continuous Delta line there called "Delta Ship Joined at the Hip!" It was pretty much true, and it still is to this day. The relationship that I have with my sorors, old and new, is absolutely wonderful. I have been in everything from weddings to delivery rooms, and the person that I have become enhanced by the positive relationships and life experiences I have had with my sorors has made me a better person all around. My guy benefits from that as well (yes, it's the same guy http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif) , and I am sure that yours will too.
Good Luck, and don't worry...nothing just happens, everything happens just.
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soon, he may be threatened by the time that you will spend not with him. Remember one thing, the friendships youmake if you join are not just at the moment but life long for you will always have sisters to be with. In my 35 years as a member of my Fraternity, not only do I have many fond memories of what was then but of the many of the new Brothers that I have come to know over that period of time, and will continue to meet. They are all my Brothers as they went through the ritual as I did and we have a common bond. I learned many things about how to dress, how to act at social functions and to present myself to other people. The only way you do this is to learn from people who may be doing the same things as they had to also learn. I am sure he is threatened but if he joined a Greek Fraternity the shoe could very well be on the other foot.

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Tom Earp LX Z#1
Pittsburg State U. (Kansas)

I think that at the core of your boyfriend's problem is that he is afraid of what he does not know. Most people outside the Greek system have very heavy stereotypical ideas about what Greeks are all about. I am sure that your boyfriend is mostly worried about you going to a Greek party and hooking up with some Fraternity guy.
I had the same problem with my girlfriend when I pledged...she was very suspicious anytime I went to a social or a mixer with a sorority...she just "knew" I was going to get drunk and cheat on her with some drunk sorority girl. That never happened (as my brothers can attest to) because I was committed to her (we've dated for 5 years), and she just had to learn to trust me in those situations.
Once she got over her initial distrust and dislike for my fraternity (although there are still some individual Brothers she does not like), she became very involved in that part of my life and eventually ended up meeting some girls and pledging a sorority herself.
My advice to you is to be patient with your boyfriend, and do not give him any reason to distrust you. Get him involved as much as you can...have him help you study for your pledge exams, invite him to functions (parties, fundraisers, community service projects, etc.) to meet your sisters and most importantly to meet your sisters' dates (fraternity guys). The more involved he is, the more he will understand.
The issue of secrets is another thing...just tell him that there are certain things that your sorority is based on and there are things that you can only share with your sisters and he should respect that. What ever you do, no matter how much he bugs you, DO NOT, EVER, EVER, tell him the ritual or secrets of your sorority. Although it will hold a special meaning to you, and I am sure you would like it to have the same meaning to him, do not jepordize your bond with the sorority by betraying the core issue of secrecy...because I can promise you that if you do tell, it will mean NOTHING to him other than a personal victory in your relationship.