What Would You Do?
 

I did a search and saw this topic in the Chit Chat forum, but wanted to bring it to AKA blvd because this almost seems to be a taboo subject among African Americans. I've seen where many of us have done volunteer work in nursing homes, but I want to touch a more personal note.

Have you had to place a loved one in a nursing home? If so, what was the experience like and can you offer any advice that could help others that may be in this situation?

Under what conditions would you ever place a loved one in a nursing home?

Under what conditions would you want your family to place you in a nursing home - and if none - what steps are you taking while you are young to make sure this doesn't happen?

I have my own thoughts and experiences, that I'll share later so that the discussion will not be swayed.

Re: What Would You Do?
 

Why is it so taboo for some? My maternal grandmother sworn that she would never forgive us if we put her in a nursing home. However, she's never really told us why. I've volunteered at a nursing home once or twice and I had an aunt who was moved to a nursing home before she died of a brain tumor. I don't see what's so bad about them. I could see how it would be AWFUL for a young person to go, since there are so many old people there, but otherwise I don't understand. Is there something i'm missing? Please excuse my ignorance.

I would never place a family member in a nursing home. If I had to, I would hire a live-in nurse before I would place a family member in a nursing home. Nursing home is not an option. I feel like, older family members did all that they could to care for me, so it is my obligation to care for them when they are no longer able to do it for themselves. Of course, some medical conditions require the expertise of nursing staff that is why I would hire an in-home nurse. But to place a family member in a nursing home would feel like shoving off my duty to them to someone else. I's rather have my loved one with me in my home where I can be certain that they are taken care of. Nobody is going to take care of them the way I would as a loved one.

I'm against nursing homes. I see them as places people put relatives that they don't want to take care of anymore. My grandmother was in several (3, I believe)nursing homes before my mother decided to move her back to her house and hire in-house nurses and aids. Most nursing homes are understaffed. Half of the time, we'd end up feeding my grandmother, changing her (she suffered a stroke), etc. Whenever we wanted to speak to a doctor, either we'd see a different one who had no updates from the previous doctor that saw her or we'd "just miss him".

What did it was I went to visit my Nana and she had a knot on her forehead. When I asked about it, of course no one had noticed or knew how she got it. It got to the point where somebody had to be with my grandmother 24 hours a day. So, instead of wasting insurance money on the nursing home, my mom hired a sitter, nurses, and a physical therapist for my grandmother. She spent the 2 years of her life right where she wanted to be...at her house surrounded by family.

MamaTrap, who is nearly 78, has made it crystal clear that she wouldn't mind being placed in one. She really doesn't want to be a burden for her adult, unmarried daughters (I am almost 41 and my sister is 56).
And she told me that she would have put my Dad in one, too, had his condition lingered. My father died three months after he got really sick. She always said, "I'm his wife, not his nurse," although she is a RN.

My grandmother was in a nursing home for about 6 months before she passed away. Prior to that, I left my job (I was only 25 and it was not a great job, so it was not a big deal to me) to move in with her and be her primary care giver (I took care of her and my 40 something year old uncle with Down Syndrome). My grandmother went into a nursing home after being hospitalized. At that point it was really difficult for us to care for her, and frankly there was not the money for a private duty nurse at the level she would have needed it (not to mention physical theraphy) At that time (don't know if it is different now) Medicare/Medicaid would pay for a nursing home before someone private duty (for skilled nursing care--they did pay for semi-skilled care)

While she was in the nursing home I, along with several other relatives made it a point to be there EVERY DAY. The nurses/doctors knew us all and knew that she was loved, so there were no major issues of neglect.

Before my mother passed away last year, she spent several months in various rehabilitive(sp?) hospitals. One was connected to a nursing home, but in a different area. Although I was working at the time, I still made a point to go by there every day after work, some mornings before work and on the weekends. In addition, my dad was there as well. I was so involved with my mother's day to day care (I won't go into the gorey details of what I did) that many of her care givers asked me if I was in the medical profession, then when they found out I was not, encourged me to think about it. I told them I did that because I loved my mother and I would NOT do similar things for folks I did not love!

I think the reason people are against nursing homes (my grandmother was adament about not going in one) is because they think people will forget about them, not visit, etc. I've certainly seen that happen, but that was not the experience of my family members.

While I struggled with the decision with my grandmother (since I was the primary care giver at the time it ws primarily my decision), I knew I could not adequately care for her. I know that if my mother and grandmother had not had serious medical conditions (versus just getting old), we probably would have had them at home with us.

For those who are against skilled nursing care, I encourage you to have your loved ones look into disability insurance and the like that will pay for skilled home care. As I said earlier, it is VERY expensive.

Long Term Care insurance is being offered more and more as companies look to enhance compensation packages. Although the benefit is voluntary, in most cases it is portable and can be used to help defray the cost of both facilities and in-home care.

About 4 years ago I ended up having to place my mother in assisted living - which eventually progressed to a nursing home. I'd tried for several years to take care of her at home, but she was a "wanderer" and an agressive one at that and I'm an only child - so there are no other siblings to help.

Unfortunately, private care or home care was not an option. The reason I wanted to discuss this, though, is that if this is ever an option for anyone - there would be a thread here - where we visit so often. Some things I've learned:

You can go online and view nursing home inspection results. Usually when you walk in the door, there is a book showing their recent inspections and violations. It should be out and visible. If you have to ask for it - be suspicious. If there are numerous violations - choose another one.

Go & visit them b4 you choose them. If you notice any smell i.e. urine, feces - choose another one - that one is probably understaffed.

As Eclipse said - visit frequently. Make yourself KNOWN. When you walk in, the staff should be very receptive to you and know you. I also place pictures up of her family, cards, etc. so that they know - she comes from somewhere and we love her - we're not just dumping her - so you'd better take good care of her.

Nurses should keep track of what your loved one eats and how much they drink. This is important to prevent malnurishment and dehydration. UTIs can be caused by dehydration and elderly people can't recover as quickly from a UTI as youor I can - many die.

Attend as many monthly planning care meetings as you can - the directors, nurses, and Dr.s need to know you as well. And ask numerous - intelligent, well researched questions. This way - they know that you know what they should be doing and take notes so that they also realize you are documenting.

Think carefully before signing DNRs. I read an article where a man was basically left to choke because a DNR was signed. That is NOT what a DNR (do not resuscitate) means. Basic preventions and method should be taken to save a loved one's life.


Personally, I do not want to go in a nursing home, but if I were to get violent, uncontrollable, and pose a harm to myself or others - then yes, I'd say I'd have to go in one, but research, research research. To prevent it for other reasons this is where making sure you have some sort of retirement plan in place and a living will so that others will clearly know what you'd prefer.

Longterm care insurance is a good idea and most employers offer it.

This is pretty much the way that I feel as well. Unless my parents have some significant medical problems that require a skilled professional and 24 hour care to manage, then I will keep them at home with me. I just feel like if I had been born disabled, challenged, or sick in anyway, then they would have done all that they could to care for me themselves. They would not have 'sent me away' or anything like that, unless my life depended on it. I couldn't do any less for them in return.

Thank you!! I just started a new job and what was supposed to be a quick post turned into a long one and I couldn't think of LTC to save my life!!

My last employer started offering LTC insurance shortly before I left. Based on what I read/saw, it seems as if the trick is getting it at the right time, and making sure it is the right benefit level. It was too late for my mom, as she was already in a LTC situation, but it seemed to me that the payout levels (at least for the ones we offered) were pretty low.