Good Manners vs. Keeping Your Sanity
 

Hey all!! I have a question pertaining to events that have happened throughout my life. And, I never quite know what's appropriate.

I'll start with an example:

Jane Doe is very active in a civic organization. But, she has made a career switch and she will be unable to maintain her level of activity. She starts to take herself out of the mix, but she meets great resistance. There's a lot of pressure for her to stay. She doesn't want to be rude but finally musters the courage to force herself to believe she will not stay where it is unhealthy for her. She tells the people once and for all that she is leaving and that's that - but of course in a "nice" way.

So, members of that organization start calling her and leaving cruel or inflammatory messages on her answering machine. The messages aren't necessarily that bad, but she doesn't want to deal with these people at all anymore.



Does she not answer and not return the calls? Is that childish? Does she have any further responsibilities to these people?

Edited for a typo...

Just be a bitch to them. That usually does the trick for me. If someone's trying to force me to do anything, I just tell them exactly what I think of them. Make it blatantly clear. Tell them you've tried to be nice, but now you've had to try a new way of dealing with them since they could not act in a civil manner.

The truth always works. You just have to phrase it like you mean it.

I think it's not childish to ignore these calls -- if anything, they're the ones being childish.

I sort of went through the same thing in college -- I distanced myself from a group of people, and they retaliated by spreading rumors, calling me names and throwing water balloons at me (haha!).

One other option might be to have Jane speak to the leader/supervisor/owner (whomever) of the civic organization and explain that, although she has enjoyed her time in the past, she simply cannot make the committment now. She hopes her schedule might clear to allow her to become involved again in the future, but the way these people are treating her is turning her off, and it might turn others off as well. If this civic organization relies on their volunteers/members for manpower, then they certainly wouldn't want to scare people away.

IMHO, the two best methods to use which still leave some dignity to the situation are:

1) Ignore the calls, but if confronted in person, smile but firmly state that you no longer have the time that this project deserves.

and

2) The broken record method: no matter what, just repeat the same phrase. Example:

Person A: "You said you would do Project X!"
You: "Yes, but I no longer have the time to give to this project that it deserves."
Person A: "But you promised!"
You: "Yes, but I no longer have the time to give to this project that it deserves."
Person A: "No one else will do it."
You: "Yes, but I no longer have the time to give to this project that it deserves."
Person A: "Do I have to do everything?"
You: "I no longer have the time to give to this project that it deserves."
Person A: (no matter what is said)
You: "Yes, but I no longer have the time to give to this project that it deserves."

I guarantee you, it will work every time, yet there is no screaming or bad manners on your part!

LOL! Honeychile - I like that broken record approach. I'll have to remember that next time! I'm still learning the power of "no" and how not to spread myself to thin.

I don't have any specific problems right now, but I want to be better prepared to act like a grown woman in stressful situations.

The broken record approach is the only way I can effectively communicate with my MIL.

The first assertiveness training class that I ever took taught a lot of different methods, but the broken record one is the one that I'm the most comfortable with - and really, it does work every time!

Absolutely! I find that when I employ this method, I enforce to MYSELF what I'm stating.