Senusret I: Fearless Mercenary and Substitute Teacher
 

(Loosely inspired by Kill Bill)

Our scene unfolds on a school yard in DC. Fearless substitute teacher Senusret I is on playground duty when he hears the familiar sound of his arch nemesis.

BirthaBlue: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEyip!

Suddenly, a legion of blue and gold lady samauri (sp) appear on the roof of the urban school with daggers in each hand. The early childhood grades (Pre-K, Kindergarten, and First Grade stand frozen in their tracks.)

Minions: EEEEEEEEEEEyip!

Senusret I: So, BirthaBlue, you have found me. And you've brought some toys for my kids.

BirthaBlue: If I were you, I'd tell your little darlings to go back inside while grown folks handle business.

Senusret I: My kids aren't afraid of your minions.

Birtha's minions simultaneously make that ching sound of metal on metal. There are dozens of them ready to descend upon the school yard.

Senusret I: Kids? Show the mean lady how you handle strangers.

Kids: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The kids all produce brass knuckles in one hand and machetes in the other.

Sound of metal on metal: CHING!

Kid #1: Mr. Senusret I has taught us well. Bring it on, heffa!

Senusret I: *shrugs* You heard the kid. Bring it!

BirthaBlue's minions rapell (sp) down the walls of the school as the blood bath begins!


(To be continued....)

As women in their early twenties are felled by the four, five, and six year olds at Shaolin Elementary, BirthaBlue and Senusret I size each other up from afar.

BirthaBlue: I see that you've trained your vermin well, Senusret I.

Although Birtha's warriors are attempting to slaughter the mini-killing machines, their ankles are being bitten left and right, tendons being slashed by the machete-wielding kids.

Senusret I: [Smiles] They are prepared to meet their maker if need be. Whatever it takes to protect their master.

BirthaBlue: You flatter yourself, Senusret.

As the last of Birtha's warriors is felled, the young soldiers cheer in victory.

Senusret I: Silence, children. Birtha's warriors were just practice. The real enemy is before you. Do notbe fooled by her pleasant exterior. Birtha is a master of death and won't hesitate to slice you, dice you, and feed you to the dogs.

BirthaBlue: Damn right, Senusret. Either call off your pint sized Shaolin soldiers, or they shall not live to eat another subsidized school lunch.

Senusret I: Oh HELL naw. Soldiers....TAKE HER DOWN!!!!

(to be continued)

Dude, thats funny.

Hee hee hee - don't stop now, this is funny!

The pint sized warriors attack BirthaBlue with all of their might, yet she swats them away like flies, never letting any jump higher than her waist.

BirthaBlue: Senusret, I think your street urchins might pose an actual threat to me if they were taller than my knees.

Senusret I says nothing as he notices the fabric of BirthaBlue's royal blue leather pants becoming more and more tattered. Soon, her pants have become shorts, revealing legs bloodied by the shaolin style of the pint sized warriors.

BirthaBlue: Well I'll be damned. They really are ankle-biters. And shin biters, and knee biters, too.

Senusret I: Smirks. Ready to give up, Birtha?

BirthaBlue: Poor, poor Senusret. Your warriors will never know what hit them.

Birtha hits a button on a device hidden on her belt. Out of nowhere, a haunting melody plays from speakers hidden deep within the school and on the playground.

*jiiiiiigalee puff -- jigaleeeeeeeee-puuuuf.....jigalee, jigalee puuuuffffff*

Senusret I: Damn you Birtha, damn you!

All around Birtha, the pint sized warriors fall to the ground, hypnotized by the Jiggalee Puff song. Not yet immune to its mystic hypnotic powers, they are no match for this dirty trick concocted by Birtha.

BirthaBlue: [stepping over the sleeping children] Looks like it's just you and me now, you fake Egyptian Pharaoh.

Senusret I: Bring it on.

BirthaBlue unsheaths her sword and runs toward Senusret, her tattered leather outfit looking like flaccid tentacles in the wind. Senusret I responds by brandishing a scimitar and dagger and running directly toward her.

*CLANG!*

Senusret deflects Birtha's first blow and slashes at her with his dagger.

*SWOOSH! SWOOSH*

Birtha's sword comes dangerously close to Senusret's face.

The battle continues for minutes. Birtha and Senusret come close to killing each other, but each is a little faster than the other. They are nearly evenly matched, having been trained by the best martial artists in the world.

Senusret I: Give it up bitch, there's no way I'm letting you beat me on my own turf.

*CLANG! SLASH!*

BirthaBlue: Oh, there's no way I can beat you here....by myself!

*BLAM!*

Senusret I is knocked on the head by a flying object and falls to the ground. BirthaBlue kicks sand in his eyes, and before he knows it, he is being attacked from all sides. His scimitar and dagger are taken, leaving him defenseless. He feels a club pounding him relentlessly, knives and swords slashing away at his arms, and finally the cold barrell of a pistol against his temple. He feels that his arms and legs are being pinned down. A noose is being tied around his neck.

Senusret I is about to meet his maker.

He opens his eyes to utter what could be his last words to his attacker, but he is SHOCKED to discover that he has been betrayed.

Affixing the noose around his neck is RUDEY.

Rudey: Sorry, buddy. It's just your turn to die.
Rudey
--Sucks to be you.

Pinning his legs down is his old pal LAIDBACKFELLA.

LaidBackFella: Funny how things change, right Sen?

Senusret I: Why are you doing this to me? What have I done to you?

LaidBackFella: Sorry Sen, you know the rules. One question at a time.

Standing above his head is BOBBYTHEDON.

Bobby: Yo homie, I told you I was crazy, yo. You fixin' to go out Tupac style, knowwhatumnsayin, yo?

But most shocking of all was the friend -- nay, SISTER -- that stood beside BirthaBlue, swinging a baseball bat from side to side, hitting her palms in ecstasy.

Senusret I: You, too, SISTER HAVANA!!!!!

SisterHavana: :D :D :D Hi sweetie! Happy Birthday, babe! AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!

The last thing Senusret I saw was Sister Havana's baseball bat coming toward his skull......

(to be continued)

You are a total fool, you do know that right? LOL

LOL@fake Egyptian Pharoah!!

Birtha, don't hurt his pretty face!;)

I almost dropped my laptop because of this!! LOL! :D

:D good thread.

Oooo...I turn on a Brother. :)