Toxic friends?
 

How do you know whether or not it's worth having someone in your life anymore?

Some brief background: I've been friends with these girls since basically the beginning of my time here at the UW -- one of them was even my roommate my first year here. We've had times when we were closer and times when we had more distance, but we were probably at our closest this spring and early this summer. I was dealing with coming out of a long spell of depression and a nasty breakup, and they were 100 percent there for me. I was living with two of these three girls this summer, and at the beginning of the summer we had an awesome dynamic going, I was getting my life back on track and making a bunch of new friends, just generally having an awesome time. About halfway through the summer, however, the complications started.

"Amy" has been going through depression herself, but because depression gives her the attention she craves, she's unable to pull herself out of it. (For a while she was having substance abuse issues as well but fortunately she is getting that under control.) She has a habit of demanding attention and help from well-meaning friends until she drains them of their energy and they finally have to cut her off, and then she finds somebody else to leach off of. I was one of these people.

"Beth" has major insecurity issues that lead to irrational behavior. I can't even count how many times I heard stuff like "You're the pretty roommate, boys don't like me, etc." when I was living with her. Obviously her insecurity issues mean that she puts up with a lot of isht from people that she shouldn't put up with -- especially when it comes to Amy's attention-whoring. These two feed off of each other. Also, her insecurities lead to behavior like hooking up with two guys who are friends and then watching them fight over her because she needs that ego boost -- and then trying to get me to "take her side" and accusing me of being a bad friend when I don't.

"Carly" is not as bad as the other two, but she is sort of a package deal when it comes to them and is caught up in their isht. She also has some issues with spilling secrets for the purpose of stirring the pot.

Also, I want to point out that this is just scraping the surface with what I've dealt with this summer. The rest is just too much to list! I've gotten to the point where I know these girls are just dragging me down and we've all discussed it and decided it would be best for us to "take a break" from each other. But I'm not sure that a temporary break is going to be enough because I am so worn out from dealing with them. I really like these girls, but all of that has just been overwhelmed by the amount of bullisht I've had to deal with lately. I don't ever want to get sucked back into that again.

How do you know when it's time to cut friends out of your life entirely?

Re: Toxic friends?
 

How about when two of the three have serious psychological issues that they either refuse to or incapable of dealing with, and you have no power to help beyond that? Oh and the other one, the 'good' one, is a tailcoat rider who tells people shit told in confidence?


Fuck it dude, roll out.

How about asking yourself the famous Ann Landers question: "Am I better off with them, or without them?"

I've been in your shoes, and as hard as it is, walk away. The women who will be your true friends will shake themselves awake and come back to you. With people like these as self-absorbed as they are, a conversation about "breaking up the friendship" really isn't worth anything. Just back out of it-- avoid plans, stop returning phone calls, etc, and act like a typical guy.

All three have deep personal issues they need to work on, and you've clearly been drained from their issues... so for the sake your mental health, clear out until they get healthy again, too. You can only be there for your friends so much... and sometimes a good friend knows when to let a friend be. Help them help themselves by letting go.

You have other friends to get you through and you are doing the right thing for both yourself and them.

Good luck.

PS: Don't drag it out. Just go.

I am thinking you are still an undergrad from your post. We make meaningful friendships in undergrad that we think will last forever. As our time in this make-believe land comes to a close though, we realize who are real friends are and who are friends are just to fill something in our lives for a moment. It sounds like you are in a completely different place in your life then these three. It is okay to move on. It sounds like you are already heading in that direction, especially because it sounds like you've made some great new friends. I'd concentrate on the people you are friends with now and let the toxicidity run its course into the ground. From what I've seen most people we are close to when we first enter college we are not close to for whatever reason by the time we graduate or shortly after. Good luck with whatever you choose. Sadly, I saw that happen with 4 really close friends from college, 3 who were sisters, and one of those three I was her maid of honor at her wedding. Sisters or not, I couldn't deal with the drama anymore. I still keep in touch with everyone on occasion, but it's still not the same anymore.

I think you need a huge break. The biggest question I have is: "what is your mental state through all of this?". It can't be healthy for you, coming out of what you said was a hard time, and then dealing with all their drama.

Which sounds very cold to say. But you do not want to go back down that road. You want to continue to stay happy and healthy minded. Which in way sucks for your friends, b/c in their minds they will see it as "i helped her through her difficult time, why isn't she there for me?". But thats really not it at all. You basically just don't want to keep falling into a spiral of everyone's problems, until suddenly - they are now your problems.

If your friends have that much drama going on, I say skip out for a while. See how much your attitude changes towards the good and then somehow say "girls, i gotta spilt from this".

This past year I was going through a rough time and some of my sisters pulled me through. But after that, they pulled me right into their drama. I had to take a serious break and walk away from some great girls that I know would be there for me again if I asked. But the constant tears, fighting, "omg why isn't my life like her's?" broke me down into that sad pattern again.

I mostly rambled.....did that make any sense?

Re: Toxic friends?
 

When whatever fun and enjoyment you experience when you're with them is outweighed by your resentment and dismay at the lousy things they do.

I'm struggling with somewhat of the same thing - I had a fallout with one of my good friends several years ago and even though we went to another friend's wedding after that, we haven't been in touch since. She sounds like "Amy" except substitute "depression" for "romantic life that rivals a soap opera." I miss her like hell sometimes, but I know the choices she makes and her overall outlook on life are something I can't put up with anymore.

See if a break brings back the good feelings - if not, be done. You telling them you have to do that might be a wakeup call that they need.

How do you know when to cut it?

When a predictable amount of time is made unhappy by a friend.

Like if you know that at least one day a week that friend is going to make you unhappy cause of the way they are, you need to get rid of them.

Also, this isn't just one friend creating toxicity, this is a committee based on toxicity. Thats like a really bad dream.

Find happy friends. :)

This tried & true question never fails. I've often had to ask myself the same question. There are people in this world that I love more than I love myself but I'm simply better off without them. If they ever needed me I'd be there in a flash but having them in my every day life was seriously hurting me emotionally & mentally.