Moving in
 

Yikes, what do you do when your sig. other talks about moving in, getting a place/house together? Personally I am not for it since I prefer to be married first.

I have to agree with you BabyP. I'd much rather be married to the guy. Otherwise, what's the point in being married?

I'm all for it. I'm living in sin right now. Would highly recommend it before making it for keeps.

I believe that marriages are forever. I don't want divorce to be an option for me. I want to REALLY know if it'll work.

I also want to be done with school before I get married (that includes my post-graduate activities).

Right now it just makes financial sense -- and she's a way better cook that I am.

Ditto, only I suppose that strictly speaking since I don't believe in the concept of "sin" I can't really call it that. The last thing I'd ever want is to move in with dude I just married only to find out that he throws his laundry on the floor and doesn't know how to do household chores, or, worse yet, refuses to do them. You can talk about stuff like that all day long but until you're shacked up with someone, you never know how it's going to play out in real life.

I personally don't want to live with someone before I'm married. Not saying its right or wrong, just a personal preference. Before my boyfriend and I started having problems, we talked about it a lot. He was all for it if we were in the same city (our problems stemmed from distance). He knows how I feel about the situation and he's okay with it. I'd just say if you aren't comfortable with it, make sure that your s/o knows that it isn't about him/her, but a personal thing for you.

I lived with someone when I was young (18-22) off and on through undergrad. It was a learning experience and opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn't ready to settle down with him. Now my current boyfriend knows that as much as it would be convenient for us to live together due to the commute and being able to save on expenses, I love my independence and I am not ready to give that up unless I have a ring on my finger. It is too much of a risk for me at this point in my life. I think for me, it is good to semi-live with someone because you can still learn a lot about them, through staying with each other a lot during the week and on weekends. Also communication is a big key in any relationship. My boyfriend and I talk NOW about what we want now AND in our future. If you don't know these things now moving in with someone is not a good idea. I don't always buy the "I will learn everything about them if I live with them". You still learn the major stuff without that element I believe.

It all boils down to what you and the other person are comfortable with. It's a real touchy moral issue with some folks, so it's something that needs a lot of discussion.

I'm VERY cautious about the whole marriage thing and take it extremely seriously as I understand it to be something that is FOR LIFE. Therefore, anything you can do to improve your chances of selecting well the first time in my book is a good thing.

But that doesn't work for everyone and I respect that.

First of all, I want to congratulate Baby P on starting a mature, non-scandalous thread!

Second, I would be honest about your feelings. Tell him how much you care about him and appreciate the fact that he wants to be with you, but that you feel that living together should be left til after marriage.

I have a question for everyone in relation to the whole "moving in" issue. What about when your s.o. says "I will be ready to live with you at such and such a point but I don't know if I will be ready to be engaged yet"..........How would you/have you dealt with this? Especially because I think many people think that getting engaged=instantly married and all the responsibilities that come with that (ie. "accidental" pregnancies, bills, etc). Just curio:)

i'd be skeptical about moving in if they said they weren't sure about marriage. You move in with a guy to take that next step in being together all the time b/c you're that giddy in love with that person.

As my mother says, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" - love is an absolute gift-but you all are right to be cautious IMO.

True. True. The reason I make this statement is because I see people move in with S.O.'s and then it seems eons before they get engaged, if they actually do..............You hear stuff like "oh he's saving for the ring" or "we want to be more financially stable or know where we are living" and what not.........If you know you love a person enough to live with them and you have been dating for awhile I think that engagement should be an appropriate next step. (Not saying he has to pay 10g's on a ring but you know what I mean................).

Re: Moving in
 

Personally, I think it depends on the relative maturity level of couple. If two consenting adults who choose not be married, without issue of being married want to move in together for whatever reason, then hey, this is America, folks can do that...

However, if one person feels that moving in together will eventually lead to "bigger and better" things, i.e. engagement and marriage--well, sometimes it works out, most of the time is does not... But that's my opinion.

My now husband tried to say that to me. We actually considered me moving upto where I now currently live and just "live together"... But neither of us were reared to think like that by our parents.

I choose to get married and not to "shack up"/ "live in sin" with my now husband for any reason because I basically felt I was too old for that sort of thing and I wanted to be married to my husband. That is the way my life goes...

The issue is, who wants to be married? If any person in the couple wants marriage as the penultimate of the relationship, then something has to give. How long will it take to be married? When? What happens afterward? This questions are I think are most relevant when one person absolutely does not want to be married currently...

So, it is a matter of values... A matter of either pee or get off the pot...

I'm living with mine right now. Well, more accurately, he's living with me. ;) We recently graduated. I moved to NYC for my job, he was jobless. He moved back home, which is near PSU. There is NOTHING up there. So, he moved here to continue looking for a job and doing temp work until something permanent comes along. There's obviously more chance of him working here than where he's from. Also, we've been together for four and a half years. We felt fine making this step, so personally it was our preference to do so. My parents wouldn't have been happy with it normally, but because of where I am, and the fact I lived alone, they don't mind so much. That being said, I can understand how others may not want to. In other circumstances, I may have wanted to retain my independence. Living alone got old pretty quick though. :D

My boyfriend and I just moved in together last week. We are not engaged, but we know that we are going to get married. I agree with you that the engagement ring should have been the appropriate next step; however, we bought a house together instead. He was renting an apartment, I was renting an apartment, and we spent most of our time together anyway. Combine both of our rents and bills, it financially made sense to purchase a house and actually make money off our monthly bills. We are both "financially stable," so that is definately not the reason I don't have a ring yet. (I think he's waiting for our 4 year anniversary and this house purchase just happened to occur before the date of our anniversary.)

In a way, us purchasing a house together (with a 30 year mortgage commitment) is worth more than a ring to me. We're bonding and learning so much more about each other because we're living together. Yes, it's tough sometimes, but well worth it. Besides, I think moving in with your significant other forces you to learn how to deal with things that you would normally run away from in a relationship. But I guess it's all about your personal preference. No answer to this question can be right or wrong. :)