Balance of power
 

Oftentimes, in relationships (if not all the time, but I don't know because I'm only 21 and haven't got the experience to definitively state that) one person has more power than the other. Or, it is a case of one person being dominant, and one being subordinate. Not necessarily in bed, but obviously that could be a part of it. In past years, it was assumed that the male would be the dominant one in the relationship, but now this has obviously changed. So my question is- once these roles are established in any given relationship, are they fixed indefinitely? Or is there the potential to switch them up? If so, how does that happen? I think that this is more evident and/or important at the confusing stages of a relationship- does he like me or not, will she let me sleep with her or not, etc. None of this may actually make any sense or hold a grain of truth, but if it does/is, then answer me this- how specifically do you obtain the power position?

In an established relationship is difficult.

These types of boundaries and decision making practices are usually agreed upon in the initial stages of a relationship.

I think it would be terribly difficult to change the balance of power in a relationship once it's established. The person who has the power is likely to resent it if the other person tries to be more dominant.

IMHO, the best relationships are ones where the people share the power as equally as possible.

I think you lost your chance of being dominant when you started giving butt sex.

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im my relationships we both have power. His would be of something and mine over others. I like it that way.

agreed. sharing the power equally works well.

Yep. When I quit doing what my bossy ex-boyfriend wanted, he went wild...he called me bipolar, a bitch, everything under the sun. He was like, "The first 2 months were great...and then you CHANGED!" :rolleyes: :p

Early in a relationship, the person who has the power is the person who is less invested in the relationship... In other words, whoever is more smitten is less powerful. This is because they feel less secure.

By mid-relationship, feelings should be more equal and both parties should feel secure (or else you've broken up) and power will be divided. Not only will it be divided by "subject" (like one might have more power with money and the other has more power with disciplining the kids), but it will shift back and forth. It is very rarely completely 50-50. One might be going through some extremely stressful time at work, or having a lost a parent, etc. and focuses on that, letting the other partner be the one to focus on the other issues. It should swing back the other way too though.

I actually don't like the word "power" relating to relationships though. It more of a shift of support and responsibility. Power implies being controlling, to me. Both partners should be making each other's needs a priority, supporting them, and encouraging them to grow. Compromise and negotiation are always important!

Dee

ETA: This thread reminds me of my favorite quote from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding": "The man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck! She can turn the head any direction she wants" .. which is exactly what my traditional Italian family was like. The man thought he was the "boss", but the woman had soooooo much influence because the man was lost without her to take care of him!

This doesn't necessariy change that much . . the person that can leave the easiest has the most emotional power.

However, in a long term relationship power is harder to read.

The person with the most power is the one that says no the most and has the ability to make that stick .. . the limiting partner has the most power in the relationship.

Its a subtle thing . . . emotional dominance is another issue. The peron who usually gets what they want because the other person seeks to avoid conflict is the one with the most power . . and that usually goes hand in hand with the person who says no the most often.

Oh James, I knew you would have some wisdom to offer on this topic. And when it comes down to it, there's no way for me to acquire the power in my personal situation (and no, this has nothing to do with butt sex). But I was hoping maybe there was a miracle solution that involved me actually doing something, anything...rather than playing the email exchange game.

It is a game I tend to lose because I am OCDish and thus promptly reply to all emails, and then am tempted to irritate the person with a follow up email if I haven't heard from them in a week. I'm about ready to disconnect my keyboard because logically I realize that this is the exact opposite of what I should be doing. So far I've been doing a whole lot better.

I guess what irritates me most about the situation is that I'm not trying to have a relationship with this guy...I mean I'm moving in just a couple months, and that's never what him and I were all about really anyway. So now I have to be careful not to say or do anything that will cause him to think I'm pushing for commitment, but balance this with the fact that I want the only thing we have together- ie really good sex. Mostly I like being a girl but I suspect this would be an easier situation if I were a guy. Or maybe not but whatever.

What it boils down to is that both of us can- and do- hook up with other people, but the quality of hookup with him is exponentially better than with anyone else thus far. So I almost don't like wasting my time with other guys because 1, I'm not a big fan of sleeping around, and 2, it wouldn't be as great anyway. This is all I'm sure too much personal information but I'm suffering from a delusion that someone will respond and say hey, guess what, just call him and say this, and then you will get laid tonight and all will be well.

And besides, after you've posted some of the shit I've said, admitted that you have a booty call really isn't all that shocking. And if nothing else James will now tell me I'm stupid and I will have further confirmation that I cannot actually win this game. Tragic. :p

I didn't carefully read your first post, you want to know how to get power?

Ever hear that song by Expose . . I'll never get over you getting over me? Its kind of like that. People like to be liked, and they will often onvest more effort into keeping something whatever it is, then getting something new.

If you back off a little, not totally, you should be able to get him to chase you a bit. That will give you some space and power.

I am still not clear on what you want. When I read your post I think that you really like this guy, but that you don't think he wants anything really serious from you and/or you are going to be moving anyway so don't want to commit.

But emotionally, it sounds like that all else being equal you would normally want this guy for a serious BF. The reason i say this is that most people don't put a lot of effort into their booty calls.

So it sounds like a lot of the conflict is on your side, you are torn between really wanting him and not thinking you could/should have him.

I could be reading this way wrong because there isn't much information here . . .

This is what I would say: Two months is a long time. In two months we could all die, the world could end, or the horse could learn how to sing. . ..

Get the most out of the relationship. Don't deny yourself a great experience now because you are afraid of the pain of seperation. Act as if you are not leaving. Also, you don't have to pressure him into committment or whatever, that become obvious after a while. If you both see each other all the time and have a great time, you don't need to speak the words.