True Story: Would You Tell Your Friend?
 

Sorors and Sisterfriends,
I was a little disturbed about this situation that was just revealed to me and wanted to get your input.

A guy friend of mine just revealed that he used to date a woman that is now married to a man who is apparently homosexual and he refuses to tell her about her man's past indiscretions.

How does he know? Well, he has a homosexual friend who, upon finding out who this women was marrying, remarked that he had ahem, had relations with this man almost a year prior to the wedding date.

I asked the guy that I know why he wouldn't at least try to anonymously make this woman aware of who her husband is and he replied that they had broken up on bad terms and he didn't want to get involved.

With all this talk about men on the DL and the spread of HIV/AIDS, I am very disturbed that he *knows* that her husband is on the DL but will not reveal this to her any kind of way. I just can't help but worry that she may be one of countless women who contract a life-threatening disease b/c he "didn't want to get involved."

:confused:

If I knew her, I'd tell her (even if I had to do so anonymously but she's in another state and I don't know her - I barely know him).

What do you think? What would you do?

SC

Soror SummerChild,

The only thing you can do is pray for her. As you said, you don't know where she is and your friend is unwilling to get involved. Let go and Let God.

I think I might send an anonymous letter or something. I just couldn't sit idly by while she is potentially being put at risk. Then again, what if it was just a one-time thing and he isn't "gay". I dunno, I'm very leery about getting into couples' business, but I would have to think really hard about this one.

Sorry to crash, but yes, I would tell of ANY indecretion within the last year, male or female! And, I would do it anonymously, but with a detail that would make it believable.

In this day of stds, NOBODY has the right to withold this information!!

1) It's none of your business.

2) It's gossip.

3) People LIE all the time about sleeping with people they really haven't.

4) Don't they require HIV tests before issuing a marraige license?

5) Even IF he has had sex with men, that doesn't mean he is is HIV positive!

6) What if she DOES know that her man has slept with men and she's okay with it?

NOPE
 

STAY OUT OF IT! WHAT's DONE IN THE DARK WILL COME OUT IN THE LIGHT

4) Not in my state - the Wasserman's aren't even needed now!

5) Most true.

6) Good for her - but it's her decision to make. Not giving her a chance to make a choice is like hiding her life preserver when she may be on the Titanic!

*sigh* This is a sad situation. I would want to tell her, b/c as 1sd said I wouldn't want her to continuosly be faced w/ the possibility of putting herself at risk (just b/c he doesn't have HIV now doesn't mean he can't contract any and spread them to her later, gay or straight)...I would want to send her an anonymous letter or note or something, and make it very detailed (as someone else said)...

BUT

The fact that you got this info from someone who got it from someone else would make me hesitant to get involved...

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this particular situation. You are too far removed from the 6 degrees of separation to get involved.

But I would question your friend, and ask would he act the same if it was YOU in this situation? Is his friend a drama queen and he isn't pursuing this because he thinks he's lying (a la Jack from Will and Grace who claims to have slept with everyone)? Would he cover for every man or just because this is his ex? If you don't like his answer, cut him loose. You don't need people like that in your inner circle.

I have homosexual friends and no amount of "keeping on the DL" is going to allow them to let me (or my friends) stay, get involved or even date a man that is lying to me about his lifestyle. Its one thing if you tell me the truth and I chose to be with you-its another to be living a secret life and think I don't have the right to now.

Here's my personal tale-one of my dearest friends is gay and when he came to me (about another friends new boyfriend) it was out of concern because his friend told him about a past fling with this man. I didn't have to investigate because we are friends and there is no reason on earth for him to lie to me about this and he wouldn't have brought it too me if he didn't believe it was true. I forwared the info to my girl who admitted she felt there was something off but was scared to say anything. She finally asked, ole boy got mad and denied but it was obvious that he was lying and she broke it off. She later reconfirmed it was true when with a different group of friends the convo about people on the dl came out and a 3rd party was talking about his ex that worked at XYZ company and how frustrated he was at the time because he wouldn't take him to corporate events etc. Turns out he was talking about the same person she used to date. He's currently engaged to another woman who is in denial about his lifestyle (she was told and has chosen to believe his denials).

I have no sympathy for this (or any brother) that does this. Live your life how ever you chose, just be honest. More than likely sister girl doesn't know and when she finds out he'll have he*% to pay. But you never now, she may have been warned and has chosen to dig her head in the sand.

But I can't stand enablers who stand around and say nothing-they'll be the first one's gossiping about it when it hits the fan!

Stardust, I do agree with you and want to tell her.

This is a serious matter. I can't prove that it's absolutely true and she may be angry with me - however, she will have an opportunity to investigate for herself and/or monitor her husband.

If it was not possibly a life/death situation, I guess that I could see saying just stay out of the business. However, at the end of the day, I would want someone to tell me and at least give me the *opportunity* to determine if I want to act on the information - whether it's true or not.

"It's none of your business" is an awfully convenient excuse to not say anything but I *know* that I would want someone to do it for me. At the end of the day, we are potentially talking about *her life*. I'm willing to be a little uncomfortable and send her an email if it means that her life might be spared.

Thanks all for your responses!

SC

Senusret,
All of these things may be true. However, I'm not comfortable just letting her potentially put her life on the life just b/c it might not be true. There aren't many things that can be proved 100% so at what point would you inform someone?

I just keep thinking that I would want someone to do it for me. Wouldn't you want someone to do it for you?

SC

You don't KNOW that her life is potentially on the line. As I stated, you don't KNOW that he is HIV positive, nor do you KNOW that he is even gay! Do you know that the majority of gay men are not HIV positive?

Do you know HER sexual history?

If you would want someone to do it for you, then fine, if you marry a man on the DL, I'll let you know.

But you can't make that decision for her. It is not your place to meddle in her life.

And once again.....nobody knows that the man has ANY disease!

Not everywhere....

Thanks, I really wasn't sure! :)

Several years ago I faced a similar situation (married friend might have fathered child outside of marriage). I never saw the alleged child or any other proof that (s)he might exist, so I never said anything to the wife. Even if I had, I probably wouldn't have.