Why I think my cat is on acid
 

:D This is the funniest thing I've read in a while :D

I had no intention of getting a cat.

I had every intention of buying a Christmas tree.

This is how it started:

I am home, alone, putting up ornaments in a vain attempt to feel like there is something special about December besides less bums on the street and less BO on the metro.

My first tree. Smells great. Looks pretty good. I tied it to the car myself.

But, it seems to be vibrating. Just slightly.

I reach the center of the tree and feel fur. Now I am not a complete wimp but this is unexpected and scares the shit out of me. So I scream.

And my new cat says "meow".

I named him Scrooge. I think it's a him. I bought him food and a scratching post and litter and the box that comes with it and small fake mice he ignores and I am thinking maybe it will be nice to have a pet that lives longer than my plants.

But he is fucking insane.

He attacks me at every opportunity. People think I am suicidal due to the scratches on my forearms. I own no socks without holes. I can't sleep at night because I know that little fucker is waiting. He sits in the dark, quite and docile. Just when my breathing gets shallow and even and I begin to drift off to peaceful slumber, he attacks.

My feet seem to be his nemesis. And he is relentless.

He likes to wait under the couch when I get home. He waits until I have taken off my shoes and streach my weary toes before jumping out and diggin claws sharper than Gods wit into my flesh.

Then he runs.

And he is fast.

If I am not paying enough attention he will jump to my waist and scale my body like I was Everest until he reaches my shoulder at which point he screams: "Meaow!"

I love him. And I think I am going to kill him.

He has unseen enemies that plauge his existance.

I know because he will run around my apartment in a frenzy careening off of every possible surface. His little eyes wide. His little sphere-shaped head aware of movements in the furnature I cannot perceive. I imagine it is how I would act were you to shove a red-hot coal in my ass and blame it on everything in sight.

When he is actually still long enough for me to pet him, it is only a matter of minutes before his little ears go flat and he grabs my arm. He bites and uses his rear legs to scratch my skin as if it were a lotto ticket.

He is terrified of my basketball. I have no idea what great injustice a simarly looking basketball has done him in his past, but Christ, he hates that thing.

And plugs. He is not afraid of the vaccume (I have no idea how you spell that) but he hates the plug that goes to the wall. I can not afford the electrical tape to satisfy his prejudice.

Sometimes he just stares at me. And I wonder how he is planning my demise.

If I lay on the floor and look at him, he will run full speed and colide with my head. Then he will look at me like I am an asshole and run away. Back to the safety of under my bed where he will wait until I am naked and unprotected to seek his revenge.

If I try to read the paper when I am home he will attack the page. I have no idea what is going on in the world.

I take a shit and he sticks his little arms under the door. He knows I shit when I get home. Its usually quiet in there and this gives me a small heart attack every time. He will run into the bathroom as soon as he hears my key in the door. I have to tease him with a treat and run to close the door before he can get in there with me. This is what I am reduced to.

He is in love with my left work shoe and will defend it with passion every morning. Only the left one. I have no idea why. No other shoe precipitates such adoration from him.

I do not understand this creature.

But I like it when he purrs. I don't know where that sound comes from, but it's great.

He is now in a vicious, losing battle with the string that pulls my window blinds. And there go my blinds. Now, I am sure, he has retreated to under my bed. Only to wait to inflict further dmage to my ravished ankles.

My cat is Paranoid Scitzophrenic. He is Bipolar. Manic Depressive.

Maybe he is a she. Somehow that would make so much more sense.

I love that little fucker, but I think I am going to have to kill him.

Or her.

Hahahaha...that is so my cat!

Cat's gotta bad case of 'Halloween Kitty'! And he (or she) is a real toe-monster! My younger brother's cat is an attention whore - can't stand sitting in the background waiting patiently while my brother is on the phone - he'll just walk up and start stepping on the buttons and the switchhook; never mind if someone is talking on the phone!

Gotta cat just like that, though he's mellowed out over the years. Ya gotta show him who's boss, though that may be an uphill battle.

That describes my younger cat quite well until he mellowed a bit.

My answer is to just not close the bathroom door. A closed door just invites them to tear into it......

Thanks for the laugh!

That's my Marshmallow! But since I got my new giant Tigger slippers, he's terrified of my feet! I've caught him batting at them and trying to see if they'll fight back.

FUNNY!!!!

We had a cat that used to think it was hiding, rock his little bottom run and jump on our leg-Just HANGING there by claws! The dalmation next door jumped the fence and-well no more cat.
:(

He was a lot of fun.

I have Tigger slippers too!!!!!! My real "Tigger" isn't quite sure what to make of them.

Oh, wow! Your cat must be from the same family as my dad's cat. Katie doesn't let you hold her...she won't even let you touch her. If you reach out towards her, she starts twitching like she has Tourette's and making this weird growling/whining sound. The cleaning lady is scared to death of her and won't come in the house unless Katie is locked away in the laundry room. Can't say as I blame her...Katie tries to attack me every time I walk past. She only eats paper and drinks water; never have I seen that cat eat any cat food. I think she's weird.

ya'll have made my week!!! Now I know I'm getting a dog. :D

LOL. No, cats are nice animals. I would suggest a male cat. I think they are more affectionate than females. I love my cat, but she's a b****!
I had my friends male cat curl up in my lap this weekend and he slept there for a few hours. We had a nap together.

We have a female cat and she is a real b**** as well..

she was at least somewhat normal until one day when my brother had been putting anti-freeze in his car not thinking he left the cup outside with just a little bit left in the bottom.. well I guess the cat went outside and somehow drank some of it..

she was at the vet forever until she was well again.. for like a year her eyes were looking in two different directions.. and she still does all this really wierd stuff.. i think it messed her up somewhat in the head..

:( How awful! She's really permanently brain damaged as a result of the poisoning?

I JUST found this thread today.

And tears are pouring out of my eyes like a river and my office mates think I'm the one on acid.

When my youngest had kittens, her 2nd one bonded with another kitten at the foster home and they were adopted together. The new owners called the foster parents asking what could be wrong because they were always biting and climbing on each other.

They were only playing, as if they were born in the same litter.

Congratulations, Ally. You've been adopted by a cat that truly loves you.

:D

Adrienne

OMG! Does your cat really act like that??? Plese tell me you are exagerating.

I knew there was a reason I liked dogs better.

:mad: :rolleyes: Yes sorry to have to tell you but cats really are playful like that, really are full of character, really are loving.