"The New Wife" according to the New York Post
 

THE WEDDING PLANNERS

By SUSAN EDELMAN
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January 11, 2004 -- She's savvy, chic, well-educated - and hellbent on a successful marriage. New York's "new wife" is determined to get married in her twenties to a good provider. She plans to have children before infertility sets in, and has no guilt about dropping out of the workforce to be a stay-at-home mom.

She probably doesn't work. She wants to look glamorous, shop at Barneys, lunch with friends, and maintain a romantic, sex-filled relationship with her husband,

But make no mistake: she's the CEO of her home and family.

"The new breed of wife has learned from the 80s and 90s wives that 'having it all' is a myth - unless they're confident enough to call the shots," said Susan Shapiro Barash, author of "The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife," (Nonethless Press; $24.95) to be published Valentine's Day.

"Unlike wives of the past, she has a tremendous sense of self-confidence and entitlement. She wants a pleasurable, struggle-free life - and has no doubt she can get it," said Barash, a gender-studies professor at Marymount Manhattan College.

After interviewing 500 wives - including 100 women in their 20s - Barash discovered a surprising "backlash to the future."

Eighty-five percent of young women today believe their marriages will be better than those of their mothers and grandmothers - without the exhaustion, haggard-looks, and divorce that plagued their predecessors, according to Barash.

This, the author says, is because these women have made getting - and staying - married their main profession.

These 21st Century wives, who often hold law, medical and other advanced degrees, feel no pressure to contribute financially to the household or to smash the workplace "glass ceiling," the author found.

"In fact, they feel they have choices as never before - and can move in and out of the work world as they see fit for their marriage and families," Barash says.

New York wives and wives-to-be agree.

"There's a backlash to my mother's generation that says, "That wasn't so much fun,'" says Ashley Lathrop, 29, who quit her job as an advertising account director in Manhattan this year to move to Washington D.C. for her husband's six-figure job as a financial consultant.

In fact, while they were dating, Lathrop bluntly informed her future husband, "I don't want to work now. I want to raise children, and I want you to be the financial provider. If you're not in line with that, you need to say that now."

He was in line with that.

Lathrop expects her first baby this month - and considers it a late start for a couple that plans to have four to seven kids.

And the couple is working on her timetable - Lathrop set a deadline to have kids before turning 35 because she wants to be an energetic, "vibrant" mom.

Any guilt about not working? "No way - why?" she says, laughing.

"We've had it drilled into our heads that women are underpaid as housewives," she says. "But that's a more important job than one with a paycheck every two weeks."

As a girl, Lathrop attended the elite Nightingale-Bamford private school in Manhattan, where many classmates rarely saw their mothers - who worked as high-powered doctors, lawyers and executives.

Lathrop wants to raise her kids in a beautiful home and neighborhood, go on family vacations to France, and train for the next New York Marathon. She also wants to put ongoing energy into her marriage.

"At the end of the day, it's all about having a relationship," she says. "What's important, as we've all learned from 9/11, are the people in our lives, and being a good friend, good wife, and good lover to make every day count."

Lathrop said she and her girlfriends differ from traditional 50s or "Stepford Wives" because they have high self-esteem - and will tolerate no disrespect from their husbands.

"I would walk out the door," she says. "I still have education, brainpower and a mom's multifaceted attention to detail. That's a hot commodity in the business world."

Flexibility and freedom are also important to Casey (not her real name) whose first baby is due in March. She earns $150,000 in a public relations job in Manhattan, but will quit if it becomes "too complicated to work," she says.

"I've seen a lot of women with Harvard MBAs who have chosen to stay home," says Casey, whose husband earns $800,000 a year on Wall Street.

As Barash found, keeping up personal appearance is important. Casey and her friends - some who are also pregnant - attend prenatal exercise classes. It's "absolutely a concern," she says, to regain her shape after childbirth, and keep up with facials and other beauty treatments.

"New York is a pressure city, and you don't want to fall by the wayside," she says. "You want to be the balanced mom who is still put together. If you look disheveled, it's a sign of being out of control."

Like other new wives, Casey considers it crucial to preserve romance, sex and intimacy in her marriage. She plans to hire a babysitter every Thursday evening for a "date night" with her husband.

"I think it's really important to make sure that you focus on each other," she says.

Shannon (not her real name), 24, is going for her Ph.D, but her life plan revolves around marriage and raising kids. She and her boyfriend, who works in finance, plan to wed in the next two years - and have two kids before she turns 30.

She wants a life without stress - and expects her husband to provide all the material trappings. "I want to give my kids everything they want, and take them on vacations," she says, adding that her own wish list includes "nice jewelry and clothes."

Shannon plans to work part-time "because I need to get out of the house for awhile." She chose the pharmaceutical industry because drug companies offer flexible schedules.

"I don't need a power career," she says. "My marriage and children are equally - or more - important."

Have new wives set feminism back to the dark ages? Far from it, Barash says. "The new wife take the best of what feminism and traditional wifing have taught us to produce a young woman who knows exactly how to navigate her life," the author says.

And Barash thinks that such determination is a good thing.

"This," she says, "is a new kind of power we have never witnessed in wives before."

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CAPTION: The 'new wife' incarnate: Kristin Davis' Charlotte on 'Sex and the City' has made it her life's goal to get married and have babies.

Since I posted the article, I guess I'll be the first to comment on it.

Women of a certain means have ALWAYS been able to do this. This is nothing new to me. It was not until college that I met people whose mothers either worked the entire time their kids were in grade school, or resumed working when the kids were in their mid-teens.

If it can be done comfortably, I'm all for mothers (or fathers!) staying home with children if one income can take care of the family. Some people just feel better working, while others want to stay at home, and that's fine.

Just another piece of sensationalism from the NYP. ;)

While I agree with the article on some levels, I don't think this is exactly the new trend. From what I've observed and after discussing this before with my friends, we want this: work for a few years, have kids, take off a few from work to raise our kids, and then go back to work once our youngest child enters Kindergarten. I want to be there while my kids are in their formative years so that I can be there through those important stages of life and I can be the one nurturing them; I don't want some nanny raising them. I've realized that the only way to do that is to raise them myself until they enter Kindergarten. My friends and I all feel that we worked hard to earn our degrees and we are going to use it. Plus, I would be so bored if I didn't work but that's just me. I want to know that the money in my pocket is partly contributed by me. I discussed this with my boyfriend and he said to me, "You know, when we get married, I'll make enough money so you don't have to work." While trips to Barney's and lunch with my friends everyday sounded good at first, I would much rather come home from work everyday with a sense of pride that I'm making a name for myself. Those are my feelings and my personal choice. I don't look down upon any woman who decides the best option for herself is not to work.

ETA:
If you want your cake and to eat it too, the best job to have is a teacher. My mother was a teacher. She was able to take off for a few years to raise me and my sister and jump right back into her career when my sister entered Kindergarten. She was home everyday before we got back from school and she was always home to take care of us during our summer and winter breaks.

Well... If my husband made $800,000 a year on Wall Street, then I'd say to heck with my job, too. Kids or no kids. It's not like you're giving up very much by staying at home. :rolleyes:

You most definitely wouldn't be "totally bored" if you were a stay-at-home mom. Stay at home moms have lots of things to do, from volunteering at the kids' school(s) to grocery shopping, paying bills, etc. My mom quit her job when I was 12, and spent most of her "free" time volunteering. It's still really stressful. Sometimes, I wonder how the working moms I know from the Junior League handle all that. :eek:

Ok, I personally, would be bored. I, personally, don't find things like grocery shopping, paying the bills, or volunteering at my kids' schools entertaining. But that's just me. Notice how I included "but that's just me" in my original post when I said I'd be bored if I didn't work. Thanks.

Haha the guys with some change and brains are going to get pre-nups and dump these dumb broads they support if they get out of line for hot 25 year olds.

-Rudey

I used to think I could never handle being a stay at home mom. "I would be too bored" or "Not enough stimulation" etc.

And I think this was true for a while. But as my daughter gets older, the pressures of organizing her activities, my career & family time start conflicting... I also have begun wonder how some of these stay-at-home moms do it all. I see these women at the rink all the time. Full time family managers. Smart, beautiful and very well put together.

I can honestly say now that she has entered school, this is the time I wish I could just run the household & family full time.

It is the opposite of how I always viewed it. I always thought the urge to be at home & nurturing should be when the child was an infant & vulnerable. But I never felt I missed out on anything working while she was an infant. Back then it was all about watching her eat, drink & poop. But now she has interests, sports, arts and a personality. If the opportunity arose, I would have no qualms about trading in my career to manage a family full time. I am sure I would be just as busy and stimulated.

(PS. I would make sure my pre-nup compensated me for any financial loss that staying at home vs. furthuring my career caused. ;) )

I'm with Rudey on this one. There is something almost demanding about that article. Woe to the man that doesn't meaintain his woman in total luxury because she doesn't really need him anyway . . . but will suck off him if she can like a lamprey, an if he fails she will find a job until a new man comes along that will support her.

For those that want to be a "family manager" thats great. But the money I make I will manage myself thank you. I will pay the bills witht he money so there should be no complaints.

I never understand men that come home and just hand their pay checks to their wives or have the wife take care of all financial matters when they are (the man) making all the actual income.

Boggles my mind.

PS. I applaud ZTAngels attitude. Give me a woman that will take responsibility for herself like that and contribute to the family income.

I agree - that Ashley chick needs a smack upside the head, she sounded horrible. Those kinds of things are supposed to be MUTUAL decisions - that's what being a couple is about.

Staying at home doesn't mean you have to totally disconnect from the working world - depending on your company, you may be able to be more involved than you think, if you are high enough up staying connected to the company/industry as an independent consultant.

Oh and as far as the bills - it's more an issue of one person being able to keep track of the bank account better than two people. You should still both know what you're doing and where your $$ is going.

Correction: Where MY dollars are going darlin' ;)

Then they are also YOUR bank statements and YOUR checkbook to balance to make sure YOU don't get overdraft fees. :cool:

This article just makes my blood boil. :mad:

This just underlines the fact that women, even today, have to choose between having a career and having a family. Men can have both without a problem. I know a guy who came to the office the very day his wife gave birth. But if a mother goes back to work, she gets "What's wrong with you? Don't you care enough about your children to raise them yourself instead of sending them to day care?"

I made it quite clear to my husband, before we even got engaged, that I refuse to be a stay-at-home mom or even voluntarily go part-time. He's less than thrilled - he says that you can't pay anyone enough money to raise your kids the way you, the parents, would want them raised, and he has a point. (I told him that if that was the way he felt, he could stay home. :p ) But he accepts that my career is part of me, and that giving it up would be like cutting off my arm. My mother-in-law, who was a SAHM, does not understand me at all in this regard. My mother understands - but then again, although she went part-time after I was born, she never stopped working.

I did NOT attend a top-rated university for five years, earning bachelor's and master's degrees, to sit at home and change diapers all day.

Liar! You know you just went for the MRS. Degree. ;)

Thinking about this a little bit more....

What do you do when the family is grown? One person in the article stated if it didn't work out:
"I would walk out the door," she says. "I still have education, brainpower and a mom's multifaceted attention to detail. That's a hot commodity in the business world."
I don't think so... When you haven't been adding to your resume for 10, 15 or 20 years, you are not a hot commodity.
I think, even though it sounds cool, you still need to be active in some fashion. They sound all empowered right now... but I can imagine when all the kids are gone, there is no career for them, and the marriage is more comfortable than sexy, that the sense of empowerment they are feeling will turn into some huge insecurities. Especially if they are as smart as they say they are.