Dealing with boyfriends and their female friends
 

K, I have a situation w/ my boyfriend that is bothering me huge and I would love some advice on it!

My boyfriend of almost a year has these two girls that are his best friends. He's constantly over at their place which really shouldn't be a problem because I trust him ENTIRELY but here's the catch...he's slept w/ both of them (one before he even knew me and then the other while we were broken up for a few months).

Now I would NEVER be one of those girlfriends who asked him to stop hanging out w/ his female friends b/c that's just ridiculous and I would never tolerate anyone giving me that ultimatum. And the bottom line is I trust him.

The thing is that on New Years he fell asleep at their place and slept in one of the girls' bed (he says she wasn't in there w/ him) and was there til 1:00am (jan 2) the next morning. I think that's entirely unacceptable b/c there are just some things you dont' do when you have a significant other and that's one of them, especially since he's been intimate with both of them before (seperate occasions :p ) To me its a respect issue. (I went to a frat formal and he FLIPPED out so I don't see how I should be cool w/ him sleeping in another girl's bed)

Anyway despite how much I trust him I just can't help the fact that this bothers me. Anyone w/ advice plz help! other than these two broads our relationship is perfect and I don't want to throw that away! Advice plz! Thanks and sorry for the novel!

Wow...that sounds tough.

In my humble opinion I think you should talk to him about it in a non-confontational way. Tell him how you're feeling and if he's a good guy he will understand and tailor to your needs. Sometimes guys dont see things the way we see things. What they think is ok might be totally unacceptable to us. So talk to him...hope everything works out!

Always-
ili

Personally, I think that there is something wrong with your boyfriend. He has a girlfriend, and spends a lot of time with 2 woman who he has slept with before. Doesn't he see the appearance of impropriety? Hasn't it crossed his mind that this could cause you anxiety?

I would have to agree. And I think you have every right to be bothered by it. Especially if HE got upset when you went to a fraternity formal. He can't have his cake and eat it too...........

Oh wow darling you are so screwed!

I am truly sorry.

Seriously he SHOULD know better . . . but honestly you have been dating him a year and allowing him to spend all kinds of time with basically two ex-girlfriends . . .
So you have lost the ability to really say anything to him now.

Of course you have to say something . . . but what really?

You are trapped. You should have tried stopping this in the beginning . . . All i can say is that you should run away . . . FAST.

Otherwise its going to drive you nuts and break your heart.

I agree.

Thanks for your advice so far guys, I really appreciate it. We've talked abt it on the phone a few times and its great that we arent arguing or fighting just trying to understand each other but its really getting nowhere. James, I entirely understand what you're saying, I just didn't want to be the girl who was like, yeah you can't be friends w/ the girls you knew before me or even put limitations on his interaction w/ them. When I go back up to school tomorrow I'll see him in person and I guess we'll try again from there. I just don't want to throw away such a great relationship over these two girls. Is there anyone who can understand it from his point of view? I'm really trying to understand his perception of this situation but I just can't! I'll update you guys tomorrow. Keep the advice flowin'!

I think that there is a difference between telling your boyfriend that he can't have female friends and telling him that you don't want him to sleep in his former lover's bed. You need to make it clear that this is unacceptable.

I think that James and Russell are right.

I'll cast my vote with James and Russell too!

Originally posted by russellwarshay- Personally, I think that there is something wrong with your boyfriend. He has a girlfriend, and spends a lot of time with 2 woman who he has slept with before. Doesn't he see the appearance of impropriety? Hasn't it crossed his mind that this could cause you anxiety?

Read this over and over and over.

And, if he's unable to understand your feelings about this, then he's not thoughtful or empathetic enough to be in a long term relationship with. There should be boundaries set. There was a guy I dated in highschool (for about a minute.. we never slept together) and we decided that we would be better off as friends. We ended up at the same University, were very good friends and a lot of people thought we were dating when we weren't. We always had an intense chemistry between us and we had to fight that all the time and made sure we didn't put ourselves into situations where we might be tempted to get more physically intimate (ie. not get drunk when we were alone!). However, we both understood that when one of us had a significant other, the time we spent together was more limited OR we did things like going on double dates. I made a conscious effort to befriend his girlfriends so that they would KNOW I wasn't a threat to their relationship and he would do the same (it helped that I went with his roommate for a year and a half!).

He is definitely out of line and needs to understand your feelings.

Dee

I'd say this guy is an ignorant jackass..dump him!

I agree with what everyone else said. I'm especially worried about the fact that he "flipped out" about you going to a fraternity formal. Even if he hadn't been sleeping over with his ex, "flipping out" to me is a big red flag. This sounds like a really insecure guy who may one day try to control you, but yet he thinks it's okay for him to do whatever he damn well pleases without regard to your feelings. I think it's time to seriously ask yourself if this really is a great relationship.

An honest guys opinion:

He's trying to keep "his options open"; he doesn't seem willing to commit to a relationship with you, because any idiot (I hope) would realize that his girlfriend would be a little offended if he kept hanging with these two girls that he has in the past hooked-up with.

Re: Dealing with boyfriends and their female friends
 

thats kind of like saying, "other then the cheating, our relationship is perfect!!" not that he is nessecarly cheating per say, but this is an issue and it doesnt seem like he is going to change... after all, these are his best friends (who hes also slept with- that just a little weird). i would start anew with someone who didnt have "two female best friends who hes slept with" and still contines to spend the night with.... i dunno, im just the type of person who would never do that to a SO, and id expect the same in return.

Hey Guys, thanks so much for everybodys opinions! So I finally saw him yday and we've talked it all through and pretty much everything is a lot better.
He's agreed to not do anything that might make me uncomfortable in the least as well as continue to be honest w/ me abt his friendship w/ them and the amt of time he spends w/ them.
Also what we've agreed to do is for me to spend more time w/ the girls so I'll feel more comfortable w/ their intentions and friendship w/ my boyfriend. Last night we went to their place and although its a bit awkward I'm trying to get along w/ them too b/c these are his good friends. Plus it helps that they both have boyfriends :D and all three couples are going to go for dinner sometime this week b/c I hope it'll make me feel better when I can see their relationships for myself and it'll help me deal w/ whatever insecurities I have.
We really do love each other and are willing to compromise however to make this work and I trust him, I swear he isnt' a jackass guys ;)

PS: Valkyrie, maybe I shouldn't have used the term 'flipped out' b/c he didn't go psycho on me, he just really wasn't happy abt it and the way I went abt the issue.