For those who believe that having children is a privilege...
 

What should be the decisive factor(s) for parents?
What standards should they meet? WHY?

First and foremost - and I know this one will get me flamed:

BEING MARRIED.
I'm sure I'll get flooded with posts about how many wonderful children come out of single parent homes (and I agree - I know many of them) and how marriage doesn't necessarily make for a positive environment, but I think those cases are the exception rather than the rule.

Other things I think should be required:
-A financial plan, and a plan for how the family will get by in the event of a sudden life change (ie. loss of job, death of family provider, etc.)

-A statement of agreed upon values. I can't believe how many parents have children only to discover that one wants the child to choose a religion for themselves, and one wants 12 years of Catholic school. How can you not discuss these things before getting into a serious relationship, much less having a child? I don't care what the plan is, as long as the mother and father at least know each others stands and can agree upon them.

-Major, major, major councelling. This somewhat goes with the above, but I think two people need to seriously evaluate themselves and each other before procreating. Experience around children should be included in this. Perhaps some sort of shadowing program, for hopeful parents to work with a couple that has children, and learn how they handle children. How many times have you seen someone have children and then say "I don't really like kids, but I guess I have one now" -or- I can't stand my baby-momma, but I'm stuck with her now because of the kid. these are things that should be covered before you hit the sheets.

That's all I can come up with off the top of my head, though I'm sure I'll think of many more things over the holiday.

Note to responders: I'm not going to be back until Friday - so if I don't respond to something directed towards me, it's not because I'm avoiding you. I'll do my best to answer when I come back.

financially stable

must take a class which would teach things like stress management, coping skills, etc..

So you would propose that a woman should remain in a marriage even if she's being abused? Or should marry a man who is abusing her simply because she got pregnant and wants to keep her child?

While being married is a great dream, no woman (or her children) should be subjected to that. And yes, I am a domestic violence organization volunteer, I know a bit about what I'm talking about.
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Parenting clases should be required and financial stability.

Financial Stability is a huge deciding factor.

If you barely have the money to take care of yourself, don't intentionally bring a child into the mix. You'll just end up ruining 2 lives.

Gotta disagree with you there, cheri.
Can we agree that a "stable relationship" (whether married or "living in sin") is desirable though??
Let's face it, 2 adults raising a child is a lot easier than one alone.
But if Mom is alone, then so be it.

BTW: I know a couple who are not married, but they have been together 17 years. They are expecting a baby and they are in their 40s. They have been together longer than their friends who have married and divorced.

Never Have Kids! There are Getting to be to damn many and they will be smarter than You! Is that what you want?:confused:

A customer told me the other day, "I make My Little girl do her math with paper and pencile, then she can Check It With The Calculator!:D

Yea For Her!:cool:

There are so many reasons why, for a couple who wants children, a legal marriage is not in their best interest.

I know I mention this a lot, but I'm from a military town, and in this town live many young widows, who lost their husbands at 23 and 24. Sometimes these widows are entitled to healthcare for life, as well as one-time and lifetime payouts that enable many to live very comfortably without working. The catch? They cannot remarry, lest they lose the Widow's Benefits. Should these 24 year olds basically "close up shop," wearing black and always mourning, when they still have 50+ years of life ahead of them? Should they give up lifelong financial security in order to get married? Why can't these people be in a stable relationship and still have children? I am a proud product of a 2 parent family, but I believe a functional family can exist with two parents who are not necessarily LEGALLY married. The same goes for same-sex couples, and people for myriad reasons will not or cannot get married.

Marriage, as much of an industry as it has become in this country, is not the end-all and be-all of adult relationships. :)

I think being part of a stable relationship is important, as well as an extended family or friends to create a support system. Financial stability is important.

I believe (waiting for a flame here!) that either a COMPLETE COLLEGE EDUCATION OR VOCATIONAL EDUCATION is paramount. Yeah, we all hear the stories of high-school dropouts who are able to provide for a family, but they are the exception and not the rule.

Yes, I know there are tons of "what if..." scenarios, I agree with Ginger that being married would be the ideal situation. Having both a loving mother and father who are both committed to the marriage and family is best.

Other important factors:

~ LOVE (for the couple, for the kids, etc.) :D

~ finances. I'm not saying you must be rich, but you should be able to at least provide basic necessities (food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, etc.).

~ communication with your partner. Discuss things like religion, disipline methods, etc.

Timing is everything.

One person may be ready and the other not. Or when things go downhill one person believes the addition of a little one will patch up the problems.

I think potential parents should really evaluate why they want children. I know so many people that just wanted babies, without really thinking of the lifetime commitment, and now regret it. Why put your children in a situation where you don't want them or wish you had waited?

I think parents also need to set up some sort of financial plan for educating their children when they graduate from high school. It's a necessity to have some sort of post-secondary education now, and I think many parents start making plans too late.

I think the idea of a shadowing program is a great one, especially for people who didn't receive the best parenting themselves. It gives them someone else to model themselves on. Not to mention the whole part where it brings home the reality of a child.

Are you asking what the deciding factors should be for people wanting to adopt, or those who want to have their own children?

I could be wrong, but I would imagine this is for those who wish to biologically reproduce. There will always be irresponsible people or bad circumstances that will leave children ready for adoption.



To the list, I'd like to add:

Time: you can tell a child something a thousand times, but showing them will really make it sink through. Plus, the whole "quality time is better than quantity time" is just some rubbish to lessen the guilt of the mom who wants it all.

Willingness to Discipline: not to beat the crap out of a kid, but the willingness to follow through. If you're at a restaurant with a misbehaving child, you should walk out with the child until he or she is ready to behave - and go home, if necessary. Again, you have to be willing to follow through.

For goodness sake, wait until you can afford to take care of them. People who breed like rabbits when they don't have the means to feed, shelter and clothe the children and then expect the state to support them are probably my biggest pet peeve.

I have no clue. I can barely take care of myself. ;) :p

Being a parent is difficult. Being a single parent is more difficult. Being a single parent with limited money is probably the most difficult job in the world. I grew up with my mother as my only parent. My father died when I was in kindergarten. We didn't have a lot of money. There was enough to attend private and Catholic schools, but not much else. Education was a priority. It wasn't easy for my mother. She did her best and sacrificed for my younger sisters and me.

I think that parents need to have the ability to love, feel compassion, and be generous. Parents should be able to financially support themselves and their children. I think parents need to have a support system and an outlet to keep them sane. They also need to have a desire to be a parent. I'm sure that there are a dozen of things I am missing from my list.